Other Brief Thoughts, because it’s too nice outside to spend all day writing about Idol:

-Glad Big Mike’s off the Hootie McMraz-tip and sticking with the yes-I’m-actually-black soul thing.

-According to Randy, Mike, “slayed it.” I think this is Randy’s new catch phrase.

-Didi calls her mom, “Mommy Benami.” Awesome.

-Casey James is actually from Cool, Texas. Ditto on the awesome.

-Interesting to see how far Casey gets on the teenage girl vote. He’s a good but limited singer. Then again, so was Taylor Hicks, and he won.

-Randy reffered to Casey as, “Bluesy, kind of fiery, Stones-ey, rocky.” I like to call this kind of sentence, “Found Art.” If only Donald Barthelme had been around for Idol…

-Glad Ellen finally came out as a…blonde.

-Lacey needed to go.

-I thought the judges were a little harsh on Andrew Garcia. The arrangement was lame, but his singing was pretty good. I also like that his dad always thought he would become a janitor because he loved keys as a child.

-For some reason I don’t hate Katie Stevens as much as everyone else does. Why is that? Maybe because she reminds me of every (non-Jewish) girl I went to high school with.

-Tim Urban’s got to go! I said enough on this matter last week.

-Siobhan’s dad makes me like her even more.

-Obviously she sang “Paint it Black” wearing all black. Obviously she screamed at the end. Also, she looks kind of like a young Elizabeth Taylor.

-Judges were way harsh on Lee Dewyze. His “Beast of Burden” was great - very contemporary, well-executed. Could have been a hit for the Counting Crows.

-Paige Miles was a lot better this week, but still pretty boring. My GF thinks she’s lost a lot of weight since being on Idol. I think my GF should have her own column - Eating Habits of the Rich and Famous. Sarah, you up for it?

-Still can’t stand that little twerp Aaron Kelly.

-Crystal is my homegirl.

-Show opens with “Short Stack” Seacrest pointing out phony sexual innuendo between Simon and Kara. Simon clearly doesn’t find this funny. Girlfriend and I drink. Could be a long night…

-Lee Dewyze sings some cheesy pop song I’ve never heard of. The lyrics have something to do with “dreams.” I remark that “dreams” should be a drinking cue, but GF is worried we’ll get too drunk.  

-Did I mention we’re already drunk and watching this on DVR at 1 am?

-I’m over Lee Dewyze. He has a good voice, but he’s so freakin’ cheesy.

-Randy thinks Lee has pitch problems. We drink.

-Meanwhile Alex Lambert is somehow becoming more and more endearing each time he performs. Very good song choice with, Ray LaMontagne’s “Trouble” though, admittedly, every time someone plays this song on the show I’m disappointed that it’s not “Trouble” by Cat Stevens (or Elliott Smith’s cover of it.)

-Simon suggests that Alex picture Randy in a bikini while performing. Not sure why anyone would want to do that. I think the point Simon’s making is that Alex needs to be having more fun onstage. I disagree. I think Alex’s deadly serious earnestness is what makes him lovable.

-Tim Urban completely butchers the Jeff Buckley version of the John Cale version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and the judges absolutely love it. Are they deaf?

-First of all, there should be a rule that no one can play this song anymore, not even Cohen. The Jeff Buckley version is so perfect, so sublime, so deeply moving, that any other version feels like a blasphemous parody of a sacred text.

-Secondly, Urban is some kind of psycho-Christian, and both changes an important lyric to suit his god-fearing needs (the line “Maybe there’s a god above” becomes “I know that there’s a god above”), and also completely misses the song’s incredibly obvious sexual subtext (or text?)  This is not a happy song about loving God! It’s about sex, love, and pain as religious experience. Urban simply ignores the verse, “Remember when I moved in you/and the holy dove was moving too,” and apparently doesn’t realize what he’s saying when he sings, “It’s not a cry that you hear at not/it’s not somebody who’s seen the light/it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.” Do I have to spell it out for you Tim?

-Ellen runs onto the stage and hugs Tim because she liked his performance so much. This leads me to believe that Ellen is slyly playing the American Idol Drinking Game ^TM too.

-Andrew Garcia sings Christina Aguilera’s “Genie in a Bottle” in a desperate attempt to re-kindle the magic flame of his Hollywood week performance of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.”

-The judges don’t like it. Randy refers to himself as “The Dog”, and say’s “Pitchy.” We drink twice.

-Non-sequitur: Is there anything more humiliating than the part where the just berated contestant on the verge of tears has to futilely grovel for votes by holding up the number of fingers that correspond to his Idol 800 number (i.e. four fingers for 1-800-IDOL-4) ?

(Another non-sequitur: Is that really how you spell non-sequitur?)

-Kara tells Andrew that he’s already peaked. For once I agree. I still like Andrew’s voice, but he’s coming across as very one note and gimmicky.

-Casey James does a pretty good of generic folk/country song. GF is lost in his eyes. I drink. Judges like it, don’t love it. About right. Randy says, “For me.” More drinking for me. I think GF is asleep, dreaming of Casey James. I break out the whiskey.

-Just kidding. I’ve been drinking whiskey the whole time.

-16 year-old Aaron Kelly sings a competent if nauseating power ballad about a father missing his son. GF opens her eyes, says, “I hate him,” goes back to sleep.

-Kara says the song is in no way relevant to Aaron’s life and she didn’t feel his connection to it. Simon disagrees. He thinks what Kara said is complete and utter rubbish. Simon thinks that if you keep telling contestants what they can and can’t sing you’ll confuse them. This is strange because Simon’s always telling contestant what they can and can’t sing, and attempting to pigeonhole them as very specific types of artists. Aaron says he was trying to tell the story, “kinda like the narrator.”

-Toderick Hall does a gospel version of Queen’s “Somebody to Love”. It’s surprisingly not terrible. Randy says Toderick is back. (Anyone else notice that Randy laughs before he says anything, good or bad? Why is that?) Kara thinks it was, “a little dramatic, almost like Godspell.” This is code for: “It was a bit gay.”

-GF wakes up for Big Mike’s performance of Maxwell’s, “This Woman’s Work,” which is really good, and involves falsetto. I like it whenever large people sing with high voices. We rewind and watch again because it really is good. Nice work big Mike.

-We also have to rewind Randy’s response like five times. Here’s my attempt to transcribe it:

“Dog. Yo. Hu. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, hang on, hang on, hang on. Really? Really really? Yo man, I got to give it to you again dog this is crazy! Yo listen. Listen. Listen For everybody, everybody that doesn’t know it was dope, it was unbelievable. I want to call Maxwell on the phone say Big Mike is knockin’ on the door dog-dog we’re ready but listen the last note for you to hear the chord I was like Oh, umm, whii-ah-what? Yo, Mike that was hot!

Here’s the performance, with Randy’s response:

-Kara is crying. It’s her biological clock talking. She says that as a woman who doesn’t have a child she can relate. To re-iterate, the song is about being a father.

-GF and I are drinking and laughing and almost vomiting, fading in and out of consciousness. Time to dim the lights.

For more, follow me on twitter @bubblesdepot

Drink whenever Randy says, “For me.”

Drink whenever Randy says, “For you.”

Chug if he uses both in the same sentence (as in: “For me, dawg, for you — hmm… — for me — for you — it was just ok.”)

Drink whenever Kara says, “The thing I love about you…”

Drink if the thing Kara loves is that the contestant knows who he/she is.

Drink whenever Ellen makes a joke that isn’t funny.

Drink whenever “Short Stack” Seacrest is dwarfed by a female contestant.

Drink whenever Kara gets a girl-boner over a male contestant under the age of 25.

Drink twice when she gets a girl-boner over a male contestant under the age of 20.

Drink whenever Simon chides Kara for her pedophilic tendencies.

Drink if Randy thinks Simon’s chiding is funny.

Drink if Randy expresses his enjoyment of Simon’s chiding by saying, “Dog.” (or “Dawg.) (Or, my personal favorite, “Sime-dawg.”)

Drink if Ellen is too busy trying to come up with her next zinger to notice what’s going on around her.

Drink if a contestant is, “Pitchy.”

Drink if a contestant isn’t, “Pitchy,” but does have some, “Pitch problems.”

Drink if a contestant does or doesn’t have the wow factor.

Or is, “Hot!”

Or is, “A bit karaoke.”

Drink if he/she makes the wrong song choice.

Drink if he/she makes the right song choice, but just, “I don’t know, just, I mean, it just, for me wasn’t quite…good song choice but…for me…you know what I’m saying…?”

[i.e. Drink when Randy is inarticulate]

Drink when Randy references the fact that he used to play bass with Journey.

Drink when you picture Randy , afro’d (sort of), eyes closed, thumping away on “Don’t Stop Believin’” under the lights in front of screaming thousands.

Drink triple if this image turns you on.

Drink quadruple if Kara turns you on. Then shoot yourself.

Ditto for Simon.

Ditto for Seacrest.

Drink if when you read the last one you thought, “But Seacrest is objectively attractive.” He isn’t. Drink again.

Drink whenever Kara says something completely idiotic and Simon gives her this look like, “Seriously?” then attempts to cut her down with some idiomatic British phrase that Kara doesn’t understand, and which “Short Stack” interprets as vague homoerotic innuendo towards him, thus prompting him to say something like, “Whoa,” and Simon, to say, “Ryan…” and Randy to laugh though he doesn’t know what he’s laughing at, and Ellen to take this moment to add even more hair gel while Kara is under the table attempting to fellate Simon, who, unfortunately, left his penis backstage along with his testicles, and -unfortunately - his chest hair trimmer, so all that’s left is the beast of a Brit, ball-less, looking for any excuse to cut anyone down, albeit hilariously (sometimes), and Randy “The Dawg” howling into the stage lights (he thinks they’re the moon), and Ellen cracking wise, and Kara sucking the tip of Simon’s belt because she’s confused and, let’s face it, pilled out or drunk, so FOX cuts to a commercial break…

from prettyontheoutside.typepad.com

This game is not for the weak of liver.

Other notes:

-Why was Ellen pawing Simon like she’s the Fonz parked on lover’s lane? This is the kind of obvious joke (because she’s a lesbian, get it?) Ellen is good for.

-Katie Stevens did her best to be “younger” by singing a Kelly Clarkson song. She wasn’t great. Neither was the song, though, apparently, it’s one of Randy’s, “Favorite songs ever written in the modern time of today.” (Drink.) I’m still trying to parse this syntax.

-The judges kept telling Katie she doesn’t know what kind of artist she wants to be. She does know - she wants to be a sexy but subtle R+B singer - but the judges want her to be something different because 17 year-old white girls aren’t supposed to be sexy, subtle, or R+B singers.

-Siobhan Magnus is so weird! She reminds me of a someone talking about groovy music and free love, in a 60’s documentary about the counterculture. Really great voice though. A bit screamy at times but, quirky as she is, she probably does more classic AI-style belting than most of this season’s contestants.

-Ellen, on “House of the Rising Sun”: “I’m from New Orleans, I know that house?”

What? Is that even a joke? Who’s writing this stuff?

-Everyone seems to like Siobhan except Simon, who doesn’t get it. I usually agree with Simon and disagree with the other judges, so I’m a bit confused here. The truth is, I think Simon is a little square for the freaky Siobhan. He’s only interested in commercial potential, and Siobhan definitely doesn’t have it.

-Lacey Brown hasn’t been doing a very good job so far, but I think her biggest problem is the number of intense close-ups of her face during her performances. Not that she’s ugly or anything, I just feel like I’ve spent half of season 9 looking up Lacey Brown’s nostrils. Idol’s not her thing. She’d be better singing late night in some  Hollywood bar, the kind of singer you like because you’re on your 5^th tequila and she keeps winking at you like she wants to take you into the bathroom after the show and do her real Stevie Nicks impersonation. Which is to say: her sexuality might be a little forward for Idol.

-Surprisingly, the judges seemed to like Lacey this week. Simon even made a comment about how she’s always looking at the right places for the camera.

-Speaking of forward sexuality/outright ho-iness, am I the only the only one who finds Katelyn Epperley ridiculously attractive? I think the real Lacey is probably more of a tease, whereas Ep would actually go home with you.  Pure speculation. And by you, I mean me. And by me, I mean me at a time in my life before I’d met my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend who is reading this column right now and thinking of ways to poison me.  Or else she’s having sex dreams about Tim Robbins (long story) and not paying attention to a word I’m saying/writing.

-Not Ep’s  best performance this week with Carol King’s “I feel the Earth Move.” She should have listened to the Blind Melon version. Judges were haters. Kind of agree, but I hope she makes the next round.

-Would anyone object to Kara putting a paper bag over her head for the duration of the show? Not that she’s even ugly (though her girl-trying-on-mom’s-makeup-look and soulless bug eyes leave much to be desired) but at least the bag might muffle her talking.

-Didi Benami! Yes! First of all-great song choice, and she didn’t hack it up! Never heard an acoustic “Rhiannon” before. I’d download this on Itunes. (In fact, I think I will - a first for American Idol!) Second, Didi is something hot! She gives off the “I’m a cute sexy waitress next door, but don’t think for a second I don’t have a dirty side that you, poor boy at home with your laptop, will never have the chance to admire” - vibe. You know someone’s a true star when you see them and know they would never have sex with the likes of  you. And by you I mean you, not me.

-Know who isn’t hot or a good singer or at all interesting - Paige Miles. Seriously. If she doesn’t go home I’ll be upset, because - believe it or not - I actually like all the other female contestants.

-Bowersox is back again! I said enough about her last week. This week not quite as jawdropping, but really, really excellent.

-Loved Lily Scott on mandolin. She’s great, and she won’t win, or even come close. This is a shame. On the bright side, she might have a career. Judges were right though — this wasn’t a showstopping last song. Bowersox is a tough act to follow.

For more of my madness, follow me on twitter @bubblesdepot

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/tv/2010/03/10/american-idol-drinking-game-plus-notes-from-last-nights-episode/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/tv/2010/03/04/american-idol-crystal-bowersox-is-a-ok/ http://thefastertimes.com/tv/2010/03/04/american-idol-crystal-bowersox-is-a-ok/#comments Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:09:38 +0000 adam wilson http://thefastertimes.com/tv/?p=430 -Crystal Bowersox — angel-headed hippie, 24 year-old earth mother, chub-cheeked Midwesterner, sweet-smiling songbird — on behalf of the Idol watchers of America, let me be the first to say, “So glad you’re okay!”

-Also so glad you didn’t sing Alanis Morisette again, or waste half your performance on a mediocre harmonica solo. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought maybe the Janis-channeling, soulchild with great range and an endearingly earnest voice I liked so much during Hollywood week was a mere figment of my imagination.

-This is going to sound cheesy, and maybe it is, but Crystal’s performance was the kind that reminds me why I love Idol. Crystal is a coffee shop cliché, bordering on nauseatingly sincere (at times-see last week), but her singing isn’t. Like good art - great art? - the performance conveys something far more complex, subtle, and sublime than the artist could articulate outside the medium of her art. On Idol, there’s usually a huge disparity between talent and taste. Talented singers perform blah songs with worse arrangements week after frustrating week. They’re amateurs imitating uninteresting “Artists” they’ve seen on TV. Sounds like a terrible idea, right? But sometimes - and more amazing despite all this - their performances transcend these circumstances, and are truly powerful. Crystal’s performance was one of these.

-What was that really weird joke Ellen made about singing “Who Let the Dogs Out” at her grandma’s funeral? I stand by my previous statement: Ellen isn’t funny.

-My girlfriend says Simon’s clothes are really expensive even though he just wears V-necks and those three-button shirts. She knows these kinds of things.

-Bad performance once again from Haeley Vaughn. You could really hear her lisp during the song. And the judges are right: she smiles way too much. Too bad because I like her quirkiness, and I think she has a great voice. She just needs to learn to control it, and not freak people out. She’ll be cut either this week or next.

-Lacey Brown has cool hair, but she’ll go home this week. She has a nice tone to her voice, but not enough range or power for Idol.

-Admission: I’ve had Corrine Bailey Rae’s, “Put Your Records On” stuck in my head for about a year now. I really like this song. Katie Stevens’ version was good for a 17 year-old white girl. She made some mistakes, missed some notes, but she has a sultriness to her, and great control. I think the judges are making a big mistake telling her to be, “younger.” They want her to be bubbly, Miley-Cyrus-ey, cheesy, which clearly isn’t her personality. This girl’s better than teeny-bopper singers; she’s got some soul. She actually likes good songs. I’m really worried they’ll turn her into an automaton.

-The biggest disappointment of last night was Didi Benami’s really poor performance. I like Didi a lot. The whole waitress thing does it for me, plus she’s cute, and has one of the more interesting voices on the show. She’s very dumb, but quite adorable. Unfortunately her whole performance was a disaster - missed notes everywhere aka “pitchy.” There were some bright moments, especially at first, but when they showed the short clips of everyone at the end of the episode, it was clear that her performance just didn’t stand up against the rest. If I had to guess I’d say she and Lacey are going home this week.

-I liked Michelle Dellamore last week, but she totally lost me by singing Creed, who are the worst band ever. Aside from, maybe, Train. The song choice also furthered my fear that this girl has no personality. Her performance was mistake-free, but completely uninteresting. She’s a robot. Not surprisingly, the judges liked this performance. Especially Kara, who is also a robot, albeit a slutty one.

-The judges liked Michelle’s outfit too. So did Vera Wang, who was in the audience. My girlfriend thought this was a big deal.

-Normally I’m not a fan of white people singing Sam Cooke, but Lily Scott nailed it! I love this girl’s voice. Randy’s’s right that she’s the first, “Real indie artist” ever on Idol. She even plays melodica! Ironically, the fact that she’s on Idol kills all her indie cred for the rest of her life. Still, I could see her having a career. Like a watered-down Joanna Newsom. Starbucks will love her.

-Also really dig Katelyn Epperly. Great tone, kinda sexy etc. Loved her “Oh Darlin’” (she wins points just for the song choice), and I liked her Coldplay too. I want to see her do some Rufus Wainright. Maybe “California” or “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk”. The judges thought her performance was, “Too slow”, and that she’s not consistent, which I think is completely untrue. I do agree with Simon that she becomes, “Quite corny” when she performs. Maybe corny’s the wrong word. I think melodramatic is more fitting.

-My GF: “Best outfit of the night.”

-Paige Miles should be kicked off just for the fact that her hobby is coloring in coloring books. I mean, seriously.

-Note to the contestants: Stop singing songs written by Kara DioGuardi! They are bad songs!

-So I wrote yesterday about how much I like Siobhan Magnus, and I’ll say it again. I like her for a few reasons. a) She’s from Cape Cod. No one is actually from Cape Cod. If you are then you’re a legit Masshole. b) She’s a glass-blowing apprentice. Which means she’s probably a legit pothead. c) She recently had a Mohawk, which doesn’t make her a legit punk (if there is such a thing), but does make her more punk than anyone else on the show.

-Her Aretha wasn’t as good as her Chris Isaak, but it was still pretty great - really soulful, well executed - and (Gasp!) Randy was right; that high note she hit at the end was, “Dope!”

-Simon: “You’re such a strange person. And I mean that as a compliment.’

Siobhan: I get that a lot.

-Okay, Ellen made one funny joke: “Some people would say don’t take on such a big song. But they also said don’t mix sleeves with a blanket, but look at the snuggie; it’s huge!”

Bonus Read: Crystal Bowersox Tops American Idol Power Rankings

I have been slacking. Too busy writing about pretentious things like “Books” and “Films” in pursuit of green dollars to give American Idol Season 9 the bandwidth it so richly deserves. These are harsh times for the TV critics among us. We must whore ourselves.

But no more. Idol is back, and so am I.

A promise: From now until the finale in April or May, or whenever it is — when the sun finally emerges from hibernation, and the harsh wind softens into the kind of spring breeze that tickles your pink nipples, and sends you lust-stumbling away from the Tivo, into the tribal-tatted arms of the first ex-fratboy employer of The Game-style peackocking pickup techniques (Oh to be that fratboy!) who offers to read your palm; when Simon Cowell gives his last dismissive brow-raise before setting sail for new horizons (albeit still on FOX), and everyone’s least favorite man-child Ryan “Short Stack” Seacrest mounts a step-ladder to crown a new King or Queen of America’s hearts –  I will be here, idling, spewing Idol thoughts until you can take it no more!

(Note: Then again, maybe I won’t…)

Upon setting out to write this morning, I had a manifesto in mind. I would stand up for my show, decry its critics, explain to the world why this silly singing competition is far more than just a silly singing competition; why if you want to understand America in 2010 you must watch Idol; how even the most cynical among us can weep gumdrop tears upon seeing the dreams of America’s young and talented turned into reality on this show, the last bastion of wholesome primetime entertainment.

But you know what, fuck the haters. Those of us who know, know.

The top ten boys sang last night, and there’s too much to discuss. No time to preach to un-listening ears. We’ve got work to do. Here are my thoughts:

-Everyone keeps telling me Ellen is the funniest comedian in America. (By everyone I mean two people, one of whom doesn’t know much about comedy.) This could be true. I vaguely remember watching the first fifteen minutes of her HBO special while drunk and stoned at three am in college, and laughing. But so far on Idol, she certainly hasn’t proven it. Am I missing something here?

-Luckily Ellen has pretty blue eyes. She also has decent taste in music, which I can’t say for any of the other judges. Even my man Simon has a predilection for power ballads and pussified pop pageantry. Props to Ellen for being the only judge last week to stand behind Siobhan the glass blower’s excellent performance of Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” 

-Just so everyone knows, I’ve been doing some Googling, and it sounds like Crystal Bowersox is ok, and will perform tonight.

-I’ll say what no one wants to: Big Mike is still riding the coattails of his son’s (un?)timely birth. This week Mike decided to show his blackness by singing James Brown, after weeks of Hootie-esque pop-country-lameness. His James Brown was okay, but lacking in crucial James Brown areas like electric feet, earned throat-grit, and over-the-top sexuality. Here’s the real J.B. in case you don’t know: 

-Was Kara drunk? On drugs? Just stopping off at the studio on her way home from a 3-day bender/walk of shame? All of the above? I think she’s trying to channel Paula by a) showing up looking like an eighties hooker, b) not saying anything that makes the slightest bit of sense, and c) swooning over male contestants. Like Idol has a stupidity quota, and Kara must fill it in Paula’s absence.

-John Park should be kicked off the show just for being in a band called “Purple Haze.” Or he should be kicked off for saying that this week he’s concentrating on, “The honesty,” with his vocals. Probably, he’ll just get kicked off for being a shitty singer, which he is.

-Simon: “I think Purple Haze might get their lead singer back.”

-My girlfriend was so lost in Casey’s baby blue eyes she didn’t notice how crappy his singing was. So was my mom. I have a feeling this was the case with lots of women.

-I like how Casey’s personal story was about how lightning struck his family’s TV as a child, and they never got another one.

-Kara: “We all got the memo, the cougar is a fan.”

-In case you didn’t pick up on it, when she said, “Cougar,” she was referring to herself.

-So I definitely hated Alex Lambert, but he really won me over with the whole nervous/vomit/shaky/having his own made-up language that sounds like a cross between Japanese, Spanish, and whatever language Sigur Ros sings in. He still needs to lose the mullet though. Also, what was the deal with Ellen comparing him to a banana in a paper bag? And why did she compare his voice to Sam Cooke’s? Ellen is losing credibility fast.

-Toderick Hall needs to go.

-Ditto for Jermaine Sellers, which is too bad, because he seems like a complete and utter lunatic AKA entertaining. Unfortunately, being a complete and utter lunatic doesn’t help you win American Idol. He has a good voice, but he absolutely brutalized “What’s Going On” by doing a ridiculously melismatic/completely un-emotive/Soft Sounds of the 70’s - style version. 

-Oh, and what about Jermaine saying that he, “Knows God,” and that God will help him get through to the next round. Apparently God has nothing better to do than mind-control America’s text message-voting public into voting for Jermaine Sellers.

-(Note: I’m currently too lazy to Google any of these contestants names, so it’s possible I’m spelling them wrong. I don’t care. In a month or so we’ll never hear a peep out of most of these people again, unless of course they make sex tapes.)

-Dear Andrew Garcia, I used to think you were cool. I still think your wife has a hot haircut, and I like your emo glasses and neck tattoo. But now I see that you are just a tool like the rest the male contestants who have ever been on Idol.

-Aaron Kelly makes me want to vomit.

-Tim “Jesus Camp” Urban makes me want to drink my previous vomit, then re-spew it on Tim Urban.

-Luckily there’s Lee DeWyze. Maybe I relate because I too am a former goateed paint salesman, but this dude’s got some pipes. And I don’t mean marijuana pipes, though he probably has those too. He sounds like Scott Weiland meets Peter Gabriel, but cheesier. He is very earnest and has excellent voice control. Or maybe I was lost in his eyes…

Andrew Garcia, a young father/old emo-kid with diamond earrings and a neck tattoo, performs an excellent, acoustic rendition of the Paula Abdul original “Straight Up.”  It’s a good  performance, a soulful re-imagining of a dance/pop tune, complete with vocal flourishes, and genuine smiles. The judges love it. “Paula,” Kara says, “would be screaming, and yelling, and clapping, and dancing.”

For this viewer, a twinge of nostalgia. I see Paula.  Happy-faced, over-rouged, most likely high; all giddy and uncontrollable. She’s  doing her trademark giggle-inducing overhead  handclap, and it’s contagious. The audience joins her. Paula keeps giggling. She’s blushing. She falls off her chair. Everyone is laughing, smiling, warm, uplifted, united!

But Paula’s no longer here. She’s been fired. In her place is Ellen Degeneres, the esteemed comedienne, talk show host, and American Idol fan. Ellen does an imitation of the Paula’s overhead handclap. It’s a pretty good imitation, and pretty funny. Not as funny as Paula.

But let’s move on. Ellen’s here, she’s openly queer (unlike the clearly closeted Simon and Ryan), get used to it! As far as I can tell there are two plusses to having Ellen as a judge:

1. She’s funny. And funny in a “Laugh with her,” not, “Laugh at her,” way. How funny? Not gut-bustingly like Tracy Morgan, but not annoyingly like Jimmy Fallon, or “Funny, but not really,” like every current SNL cast member.  I’d say one in every three  Ellen punchlines makes me chuckle.  An excellent ratio considering Idol is a network show on in primetime.

2. She’s NOT an idiot. For the first time Simon has someone by his side who is actually an intelligent human being. This could change everything! Or not.  At the very least, it should mean that better contestants advance through Hollywood week, no undeserving contestants eeking in on the Paula/Randy wildcard ticket.

Other thoughts:

-Katie Stevens is good; that annoying Skiiboski guy’s gone!

-There are a lot of talented, and very attractive women on this season of Idol. With Ellen on, three of four judges are into sexy ladies, which might be part of it. We know Ellen likes skinny blondes.  But, most likely it’s just Fox trying to get ratings.

-I Like this one:

-And this one:

-This one can actually play the guitar, and has a quirky Ella Fitzgerald-inspired voice. I doubt she’ll make it past the first cuts though, unfortunately. Not mainstream enough:

-The guy whose wife’s water broke didn’t seem surprised enough. Probably because he had to do ten takes on the phone call scene. Then he sang John Mayer:

-Seems like they’ve toned down the sob stories this year. Only one cancer survivor! And certainly no tragedies on par with last season’s blind dude.

-So far I haven’t been impressed with any of the guys. Ok, the guy with the ponytail was decent. Randy called him a, “real singer song writer.” As opposed to a fake one. My question: where are all the guy with testicles? Oh right, it’s Idol…

-The cute blonde waitress is predictably both cute and blonde. I like her. So does Simon, in a condescending “It’s cute that you’re a blonde American poor-girl waitress” way.

-I’m calling it: the dread-headed, tattooed young mom Crystal Bowersox will be among the final three contestants in April. Because she’s really really really good: composed, controlled, and cute, with a killer voice.

Look out for more Idol Thoughts tomorrow…

I promise to be funny. Or, at the very least, entertaining.

Here’s the original:

Dear Ad,
I love this piece. It is hilarious. You were right about so many things. I will say, however, I wouldnt mind looking like Sophia Loren when I’m 70. Gee, I didnt look like her when I was 20. Halle Berry was the most gorgeous.Dad almost had a heart attack. I had to bring water.  Sandra Bullock seems very pathetic and she knows it. I thought Cameron Diaz should join the Annie club(too skinny), and for weirdos..Harrison Ford won in my book. I wish Jan. Jones had looked better and I do wish she had brought Sally. I will say that I have a soft spot for Drew. First of all she is in The Wedding Singer and 2nd she had a very shitty childhood. Glad that White Ribbon won for best For. Film. It is amazing. If you want to better understand Nazis…go see it. Meryl Streep: elegant. Amy Adams  irritating even in the best of times. Love Colin Farrell, Di Caprio, Maggie, Robert D. JR. — brilliant —  and Robert De Niro of course. Could go on but going out with father…a star in my book.Your loving mother who thinks you are MUCH wittier than R.icky G and much handsomer than George clooney and much smarter than all of them put together. MOM

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