9:00 Jenny looks at herself in the mirror before the first day of school. She decides against the tiara. Good call.

9:01 Hill Duff on the scene, looking “eh?” in a silly hat. Dan is smitten, and he doesn’t even know that she’s famous.

9:02 Blair shows up at the Masters of the Universe Society. Unfortunately it’s a society for He-Man fans, not people actually attempting to take over the Universe.

9:05 Lily is back in town. Her dying mother is, “Feeling so much better.”

9:06 Hill Duff: “So, I’ve been reading the course catalogue and everything just sounds so interesting, like, Cold War Philosophy, The Bible as Literature, The Post-Impressionist movement, I want to take everything!”

Dan: “And you say you’re from Jersey…?”

Nice, Dan.

Also, for the record, I’m making no attempt to learn Hill Duff’s character’s name. Maybe it’s because I like typing, “Hill Duff.”

9:09 Hill Duff’s roommate is Vanessa. Shocking coincidence.

9:12 Hill Duff: “Just two girls going to NYU  [ ]”

Yes I added a parenthetical smiley to Hill Duff’s quote. It was an implied smiley.

Also, “For the record,” Hill Duff, “loves Godard.”

9:19 Aaaah! It’s a monster! Oh wait, nevermind, it’s just Tyra Banks.

9:27 I was eating cereal for the last 8 minutes and wasn’t paying attention. I think Hill Duff and Dan just broke up. That was fast. He still doesn’t know she’s famous.

9:28 For some reason Chuck is giving Jenny Humphrey an inspiring speech.

9:30 Vanessa invites Dan to Hill Duff’s movie premier. This will not go well.

9:34 Blair is hanging out with high school girls because she doesn’t have any college friends.

Meanwhile, Jenny is Chuck’s date to the movie premier. Too confusing to explain, but it’s, “All for the good of the school.”

9:38 Dan figures out that Hill Duff is famous. Dan is not pleased. Because no guy wants to date a movie star.

9:43 Imagine if there was a real WWII/Nazi movie starring Hill Duff and Tyra Banks? Would there even be a premier? This sounds like a porno as imagined by Dick Cheney.

9:45 Blair: “You don’t understand, NYU is not the upper East Side. They don’t care about the social hierarchy. They don’t care that I’m Blair Waldorf! It’s over.”

Chuck replies with irrefutable logic.

Chuck: “I’m Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You’re saying I’m easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents?”

What I don’t understand is why there are no wealthy snobs at NYU? Not everyone in “College” is a He-Man geek or a “Writer.” At the very least, Blair could go hang out with some law school boys.

9:46 Dan thinks the Duff/Banks/Cheney production was a “great movie.” He and Hill Duff get back together. Dan’s taste is put into question.

9:47 A photographer takes shots of Blair at the premier.

9:48 Know what’s scarier than regular Tyra Banks? Crying Tyra Banks dressed as Josephine Baker. Also, who shows up at a movie premier dressed as the character she played in the movie?

9:54 Blair finds some girls at NYU who want to be her followers. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

9:55 Turns out Chuck hired the photographer to take Blair’s photo so she would get a confidence boost.

Photographer: “So why’d you want me to take that girl’s picture anyway?”

Chuck: “Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather.”

Spotted: Chuck Bass cutting off his testicles with gardening shears.

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