American Idol Drinking Game:

Drink whenever Randy says, “For me.”

Drink whenever Randy says, “For you.”

Chug if he uses both in the same sentence (as in: “For me, dawg, for you — hmm… — for me — for you — it was just ok.”)

Drink whenever Kara says, “The thing I love about you…”

Drink if the thing Kara loves is that the contestant knows who he/she is.

Drink whenever Ellen makes a joke that isn’t funny.

Drink whenever “Short Stack” Seacrest is dwarfed by a female contestant.

Drink whenever Kara gets a girl-boner over a male contestant under the age of 25.

Drink twice when…

-Crystal Bowersox — angel-headed hippie, 24 year-old earth mother, chub-cheeked Midwesterner, sweet-smiling songbird — on behalf of the Idol watchers of America, let me be the first to say, “So glad you’re okay!”

-Also so glad you didn’t sing Alanis Morisette again, or waste half your performance on a mediocre harmonica solo. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought maybe the Janis-channeling, soulchild with great range and an endearingly earnest voice I liked so much during Hollywood week was a mere figment of my imagination.

-This is going to sound cheesy, and maybe it…

Family, friends, people who google image searched “Paula Abdul Drunk” and accidentally ended up here — I offer my sincerest apologies.

I have been slacking. Too busy writing about pretentious things like “Books” and “Films” in pursuit of green dollars to give American Idol Season 9 the bandwidth it so richly deserves. These are harsh times for the TV critics among us. We must whore ourselves.

But no more. Idol is back, and so am I.

A promise: From now until the finale in April or May, or whenever it is — when the sun finally emerges from hibernation, and the harsh wind softens…