I regret not supporting the feature length porn industry. I’m sorry I chose YouPorn over the $70 “Pirates XXX” option. Why did I insist on getting my porn for free? Now the feature length porn industry is dying out, and I’ll have only seen one full length porno in my life.

I got a hold of “Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant,” rushed home, and told my good friend to swing by with a bottle of wine. We popped in the DVD to discover that Indiana Jones has a daughter-and by golly, that girl is a real slut.

Based on my single tasting, feature length porn is brilliant. After the opening sex scene (similar in quality to the opening band before the headliner), one of the characters gets killed by a dildo with a spike on its tip. The killer hurls the deadly cock through the victim’s mouth. The spike goes through his skull, out the back of his head. Carolina Jones then appears and blandly comments, “What a prick.” Things (one-liners, erections) only go up from there. The thought that production companies no longer see worth in films like this one breaks my heart a little.

With plot-filled porn disappearing, no wonder porn actresses are starting to get more work as, well, actresses. Sasha Grey has most recently gained notoriety for a change in genres, but Traci Lords (among others) has also recently shown her acting chops on the big screen. And I’m pretty sure I know why they’re such a good fit:

Full length porn would make a great date movie. Maybe not a first date movie, but romantic comedies are pretty much porn anyway. Unrealistic, predictable premise, minimal plot, unfulfillable fantasies-you tell me the difference.

Photo by Matt McGee.