Nonsense Reviews

Review of: World Religions

October 15, 2009 Oliver Miller

Oliver Miller

Oliver Miller is currently writing a book of reviews. He also writes another column for “The Faster Times.” You can Facebook “friend” Oliver by going right… www.facebook.com/oliveramiller">here.

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Christianity: Ah, Christianity… I just can’t stay mad at you. I mean, sure, what with the Crusades and persecutions and religious wars and all, you’ve been responsible for the death of more innocent people than any other movement in history, but… Oh, come over here, you big lug! Come on! I just can’t stay mad! Gimme a hug! Ha ha ha! Noogie!

Anyway, here’s my favorite part of the New Testament. Matthew 12:1:

And it came to pass that Jesus went through the corn fields on the Sabbath day; and as they went, his disciples began to pluck the ears of corn and to eat them. And the Pharisees said unto him, Behold, your disciples do on the Sabbath day what is not lawful!

Yup. Jesus and his followers, walking through farmers’ fields and stealing corn. “Fetch me my rifle stick, Mama! That durn Jesus has gotten into the corn again!”¹ Hilarious. I was once a born-again Christian for six months (it’s a long story), and at one point I discussed this same passage with my pastor:

“…Hey,” I said, “you know in Matthew chapter twelve where Jesus is hungry and has no money and so he and his disciples steal corn from the fields?” And my pastor said: “Yes.” And then I said: “…Well, I’m broke and have no money, and today I shoplifted some ‘Power Bars’ from the Safeway so I would have something to eat. I feel really guilty about it, but should I feel guilty, since Jesus stole food too? And he stole from poor farmers; I at least stole from a huge corporation.” And my pastor said, and I quote: “Ummmmmmmmm…”

And eventually, after having dumb conversations like that for a while, I decided to drop the whole Christianity bit. So there’s that. Grade: B-minus

…So, but anyway, the thing I learned from being a born-again Christian for six months is that we’ve basically built a two thousand year-old religion that’s based on ignoring every single thing that Jesus ever said. Celebrating Christmas and being a pain in the ass to gay people? Not mentioned in the Bible. Giving all your money away to poor people and being nice to all people all of the time? Mentioned in the Bible many, many, many, many times. It’s like Jesus is this super-genius teacher guy and we’re all a bunch of learning-disabled retards with tinnitus—

Jesus: I SAID YOU HAVE TO BE POOR TO GO TO HEAVEN AND I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT BEING MEAN TO GAY PEOPLE ANYWHERE!

Christian: Yessir! Got it! Celebrate Christmas, be mean to gays. Check.

Jesus: I DON’T EVEN MENTION GAY PEOPLE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT!

Christian: Check. Burn all fags now. Got it.

Jesus: HELLO? …IS THIS THING EVEN ON?

…ANY-way, the mistake I made with my six month experiment in being a Christian (which is still too long of a story to explain) was in choosing born-again Christianity. Major, major bad call. Those fuckers are crazy! They actually believe all that weird shit in the Bible (well, except maybe for the parts about being nice). If I ever do the Christianity experiment again, I’m going with one of the versions where you don’t have to believe jack-shit, and you don’t have to do nothin’. What’s that version called again? Presbyterianism? Unitarianism? …Judaism?

Judaism: Well, my mom is Jewish, so that means, for better or for worse, that I’m Jewish too. Sweet. All the religions in the world to pick from, and my family picks fucking Judaism. It fucking figures. Oy.²

This isn’t even really a joke, but I have to say that even though I am Jewish, I’ve never really liked the word “Jew.” It’s kind of harsh and grating. Jew. Jew. Jew. Ugh. Me no like. Maybe it’s the “ew” in it or something, I don’t know.

Anyway, as we know, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all centered around the holy city of Jerusalem, and are still based there even to this day. As we also know, this has led to a few problems and tensions in the past, such as the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, two millennia of holy wars, etc., etc…. Well, worry no more! Problem solved. I’ve talked to a couple of other Jews about this, and we’ve decided to move the headquarters of Judaism to… Delaware. Mainly because of the lack of sales tax in Delaware. We figure that’s going to save the Jews a few bucks right there. Also, we figure that the people in Delaware will barely even notice us. …And finally, Delaware is a fine state, and is conveniently located next to my home state of Pennsylvania. So I can commute.

So there. The new holy state of Judaism is Delaware. Done. “Oh, thank you, Oliver, for ending two thousand years of cyclical religious violence.” No, no. No need to thank me. This is what I do. I’m a problem solver. I solve problems. Grade: A

Islam: Considering that you can be killed for even making fun of this religion, um, well… Congratulations, Islam! You get a super grade of: A-double-plus.*

*P.S.: Please send me to eternal heaven and give me my forty virgins now. Thanks, your good pal Oliver.

Taoism: The hardest part of Taoism is learning how to pronounce it. It’s with a “D.” “Dow-ism,” not “Tay-o-ism.” Anyway, once you’ve mastered that part, understanding the rest of Taoism, according to the books that I’ve read on the subject, is pretty much a snap. Grade: T. …No, wait. D.

Zoroastrianism: Yep! It’s a religion! Go and look it up, slacker! Or here, I’ll do it for you: “This faith is often claimed to be the earliest monotheistic religion, since Zoroaster requires devotion to the single God Ahura Mazda. However, Zoroastrianism also has a dualistic nature, with an additional series of six important angel-like entities called the Amesha Spentas. In modern Zoroastrianism they are interpreted as aspects or emanations of Ahura Mazda (the Supreme Being), who form a heptad that is good and constructive. They are opposed to another group of seven who are evil and destructive. By requiring its adherents to have faith and belief in equally opposing powers Zoroastrianism characterizes itself as dualistic.”

Whoo! That is some exciting stuff right there. The thing I like about Zoroastrianism, apart from its use of the word “heptad,” is the notion that this could be the One True Real Religion. I mean, why the fuck not? It’s got as good a shot as any!

Oliver (suddenly dying and arriving in Heaven): Jesus crud! I’m in Heaven! …What the zurg?

The Lord God Zoroaster: Greetings, pitiful mortal!

Oliver: Lord… Zoroaster? Is that you?

Zoroaster: Yes.

Oliver: So yours is the one true religion?

Zoroaster: Frankly, I’m as surprised as you are!

Oliver: So… I was right to spend all those years praying to Ahura Mazda. I knew it! In your face, other people!

Any-way… Dum de dum do. What the hell was I talking about? Grade: C

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FOOTNOTES:

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1) Actual guns and rifles not being available at the time.

2) My favorite part of the Old Testament: the part where it talks about all the angels that surround God at all times; for example the angels that have wheels instead of feet, and the angel chair that’s composed entirely of angels that God sits on because he likes to sit on angels. Sweet! An angel chair! Crunchy!³

3) Seriously, the angel chair thing is actually in the Old Testament. Go look it up; it’s in like the Book of Josh or something. And while we’re on the subject, how about a different name for the Old Testament? The “old” part makes us Jews sound like a bunch of fuddy-duddies! How about “Testament: Episode One: The Phantom Menace” or something like that?

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H. Christ

About the corn thing...

Actually, I think it was the ancient Hebrew version of Welfare. Poor people (or travelers - as a people with vivid memories of being nomads, they were very big on hospitality) were allowed to glean a meal from somebody's field, but they weren't allowed to bring a wheelbarrow and start harvesting in earnest.

Also it tastes so much better if it's not yours...
Oliver Miller

Oh, I guess you weren't the WORST. Hyperbole. Oh, Nancita, let's shake hands and make up. I don't know about 100 million people killed in the 20th century by Commies, but whatever, do I want to have a discussion where I in any way minimize the horrible actions of Communist dictators? Hells naw. And if we're trying to pretend that I like Stalin, or that I like Communism, or that being secular equals being Pol Pot, that's a big no go.

Let's just accept your random number as being accurate, and rank them like this. (Since it's really hard to get accurate numbers for either movement.)

1) Communism - 100 million dead.
2) Christianity - let's say, 25 million dead.

Groovy. So a religion founded on loving God and loving your neighbor killed only 25 million people. Awesome job, Christianity, way to go.

Am I rewriting my humor column to include a debate over statistics? Hells naw.

But Nancita, you're probably a decent guy or girl. We should have a beer sometime.
Nancita

The worst? I'm honored!
I'm quite familiar with the religious wars of the 16th century, so I don't need to "look it up," thanks. Just pointing out that the anti-religious movement of communism in the 20th Century ALONE killed 100 million people, easily, and suggested YOU should look THAT up. But I knew you wouldn't.
Oliver Miller

I know! I love throwing down the Unexpected Jew card. People are all: "...Oliver... Miller? That ain't no Jewish name." And I'm all: "...Boom! Pow! Secret Jew, baby!"

Also, in the interest of me being the nicest guy in the world, I'd like to point out that I didn't know the thing about farmers in Biblical times leaving out free grain for the poor. I assume that's true; I never heard about it, so... you taught me something, angry, rant-y born-again Christian dude.
Tiffany Kelly

The good thing about having a Jewish mother is that you're fully Jewish by religion, yet are disguised to the rest of the world. Like me, few think I'm Jewish because of my last name. It's like being a Jewish spy.
Oliver Miller

Oh, geez, okay, I Googled it. It's based on the writing of... Kurt Vonnegut? I actually kind of really don't like Kurt Vonnegut super much. It's rare for me to dislike a writer, but he's one I don't like. But me blah blah blahing about Vonnegut is probably outside the purview of the comment section, amirite?

BUT... the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, went to George Washington University. That's the same college that I went to! I just don't trust a "religion" founded by someone who went to the same school as me. Like, if Jesus had gone to Ohio State, Christianity would have a whole different vibe, right?
Oliver Miller

Whatchoo talkin' about, Adam Baer? No, seriously, I have no idea what that is.
Adam Baer

oliver, i am curious to hear your take on bokononism. some rogue writers have recently left fliers on my car. it's an improvement over the scientology pamphlets, but still.
Oliver Miller

Yah. This is (probably) true. And either myrrh or frankincense were really gross in real life, because one of them came from the glands of a Musk Ox. But I can't remember which one was gross. So. There's that.
Fun Factster

You know those magi who gave Jesus myrrh and frankincense? They were Zoroastrians.

Fun fact.
Oliver Miller

This is easily the worst comment that I have received in five years of writing for the internet. I know what the point of Matthew 12:1 was. I was making a joke.

Is there a reason that born-again Christians are usually such defensive jerkwads? I must have missed the section in the New Testament where it said, "Go forth, and be rant-y, and compare liberals to Pol Pot."

The religious wars of the 16th century ALONE killed 1 million people, easily. You could look it up.
Nancita

One would think that 6 whole months of Christianity would make you as wise as Solomon, as erudite as David Bentley Hart, as worthy of a faux Notre Dame Doctorate as Obama. But it appears not to have done so, Ollie.

The point of Matthew 12:1 is that the grain was plucked on the Sabbath -- the Pharisees point involved the day, not the deed. The point being that the Pharisees cared more about strict and empty ritual than about simple human need. Jesus routinely mocked their dogmatic superficiality. But you knew that, right? Right? And your scholarly immersion in Biblical Anthropology made you knowledgeable of the fact that farmers routinely left grain in their fields for the poor to gather for themselves?

And, if you get another 6 months to "devote" yourself to something, may I suggest the global history of communist ideology? I dare you. It won't demand any deep thinking or scholarly effort on your part; just gather the flagrant historical facts about this tyrannical secular movement which is, in truth (if you care about truth), "responsible for the death of more innocent people than any other movement in history."

You might keep a running tally. Be sure to include the slaughters under Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot. As well as those in Cuba, Angola and North Korea. But remember, mass graves are still being uncovered in Eastern Europe, so all the numbers aren't in yet. And all this took only about 100 years to achieve. So awesome!

Harvard has published a fine book about it. Think you can get through one whole book in 6 short months? Good luck!
Oliver Miller

"Plucky!" I don't think I've ever been called "plucky" in any context before. ...Sweet. And yeah, I have to admit that I did know that about the Old Testament, but confessing that knowledge would have really ruined the joke. And I loves me a good "Phantom Menace" joke.
Sarah Jacobs

Love this plucky piece! Just as a footnote to your footnote, only Christians call the Hebrew Bible the "Old Testament." Jews call it the "Hebrew Bible." Sweet!
Oliver Miller

Is he diabetic?

...Major concern that I have with this column: getting lots of pissed-off comments from angry Zoroastrians.
Tiffany

Hee! I'm ready to review candy with you now. David can do the sugar free part.