3-D technology!  It’s the wave of the future.  (Well, more accurately, it’s the wave of the future circa 1950, but whatever.)  But 3-D movies are back!  …For some reason.  And this is very personally exciting to me, because I’m red-green colorblind.  My first and thus-far only experience with 3-D movies was with “Avatar,” which every American citizen was legally required to see, as far as I can tell.  Oh man.  The funny thing about being red-green colorblind is that it means that YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SEE ANYTHING IN 3-D.  So, boy, did I love the shit out of “Avatar,” or, as I call it:  “SMUDGE:  THE MOTION PICTURE.”  (Or “BLURRY STUFF B’ HAPPENING:  THE MOVIE.”)

This is great.  3-D!  At long last, we have come up with a movie-making technology that gives 98% of the audience headaches, and makes it impossible for 2% of the audience to see the movie at all.  Awesome job, Hollywood, way to go!

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And I have even more good news, everyone!  …For not only is 3-D back, but it’s bringing Jehovah the Lord God of Hosts along with it.  Yes, yes, yes.  There’s going to a 3-D movie version of the Bible!  Taste the excitement.  And here’s the relevant press release:

The world’s oldest story is on a collision course with cutting-edge Hollywood technology.  …Paramount Pictures and former Walden Media co-founder Cary Granat…  are mounting “In The Beginning,” a 3-D telling of the creation story.  The film is using The Book of Genesis as its primary resource.

[The] $30 million film will use 3-D visuals to transform the oft-told tale into a spectacle that the filmmakers hope will attract family-and faith-based audiences that flocked to “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe…”  The Genesis tale of creation took [sic] a week that began with God creating light, culminating with Adam and Eve on Day Six, and a day of rest on Day Seven.  But I can guarantee you this film is going to take more than a week to make.

Finally, a 3-D version of the Bible.  And, oooh, it’ll be about the funnest part of the Bible…  the Old Testament!  Finally, we’ll get to see endless lists of people’s ancestors…  in 3-D!   And we’ll get a twenty-minute description of how many cubits long the Ark is…  ALL IN 3-D!!!

Naturally, we’re all very excited about this.  But here are some pressing questions that I have for the filmmakers:

1)  How do you make a “family-based” movie about the Book of Genesis, when Adam and Eve are buck-ass naked the entire time?  Is it going to be an “Austin Powers” type of thing, where their genitals are constantly conveniently obscured by random branches, leaves, apples, and stray  evil snakes?

2)  What will God look like?  Will he be more of a stern patriarchal white dude?  Or more of a “Star Trek” style floating cloud of anti-matter type of thing?  …And isn’t showing God in any form blasphemous, according to the Old Testament?  So we’re making a movie where the main character can’t even be seen?

3)  Will we be keeping the part in the Book of Genesis where Lot tries to get his daughters gang-raped by a crowd of villagers?  And then the part where his daughters get him drunk and rape him?  And then the part where his daughters’ children have incestuous sex with each other?  …Again, how is this a “family-friendly” movie at all?

4)  Will the film leave things open for a sequel?  A sort of “…THE END.  OR IS IT?” kind of thing?  I myself am mightily looking forward to a 3-D version of the Book of Judges.  It’ll be boring-list-tastic!

5)  Has there ever been a good movie version of the Bible?  The only one I can think of is “The Last Temptation of Christ.” And people hated that one, because it dared to make Jesus seem interesting-ish.

…And so on and so forth.  So many questions.

_____

And now, it’s Full Disclosure Time™ on my part.  I was once sent to rehab for drinking too much.  And entertainment was highly limited in my rehab clinic.  We only had two books, for instance.  One was the Alcoholics Anonymous handbook.  And one was the Bible.  (We also had a VCR with three movies:  “Return of the Jedi,” “12 Monkeys,” and “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”  Which is a fairly…  random collection of movies.)

Since I got tired of reading the AA manual fairly quickly, I devised an exciting plan.  I would read the entire Bible (and here’s the fun part) in order, from start to finish. I made it as far as three pages in before my head exploded.

Okay, first of all, God creates man and women.  And then a page later, he creates the animals.  And then a page later, he creates man again, then creates the animals again, then creates woman again.  Huh?  Say what now?  Didn’t this all just happen?  But in a different, contradictory way?  …And then, the same messed up stuff happens again.  First, God creates plants, using his God-like powers and such.  And then, in the next chapter, he creates plants all over again.  …Wait.  What happened to the first plants?  Where’d they go?  WHY DOES CONTRADICTORY STUFF KEEP HAPPENING? …And has anyone ever read this book but me?  WHY DOESN’T THIS BOOK MAKE ANY SENSE?  …And remember; at this point, I had still only read three pages, and the Bible had already contradicted itself four times.  (And that’s without getting into  other dumb yet obvious questions.  Such as:  how do you have “days” when the sun hasn’t been created yet?  And where did Cain’s wife come from?  Etc…)

Thus, here’s what I learned from my stint in rehab:

A)  Don’t ever drink so much that you have to go to rehab.  (Seriously.  Put that drink down.)

B)  If you want to believe in God, then don’t read the Bible.  (Seriously.  I had a much more positive attitude towards God before I realized that the Bible was just a bunch of contradictory mooshed-together stories.)

…So there’s that.  Will the film “In the Beginning” tackle any of these complex questions, possibly in 3-D form?  Almost certainly not.  But on the plus side, it’ll be in 3-D.  So when I go to see it, the movie will just be a gigantic headache-inducing greenish blur.  So I’ll never actually be able to tell how badly the movie really sucks, which works out.  And so, all hail 3-D!  …And thank heaven for small mercies.

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/19/the-bible-now-in-3-d/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/15/the-glenn-beck-insanity-watch/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/15/the-glenn-beck-insanity-watch/#comments Mon, 15 Mar 2010 18:35:51 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2957

Glenn Beck is a bold, truth-telling journalist; a man who has revolutionized the world of cable news as we know it.  On the other hand, he’s also a dangerously unbalanced individual; the kind of guy who would grab you by the shoulders at a party and yammer on for two straight hours about the Illuminati and the Federal Reserve.  …In short, Glenn Beck walks the razor’s edge between genius and insanity.

And so, we are proud to unveil THE GLENN BECK INSANITY WATCH, in which we analyze the latest statements of Mr. Beck, in order to see what level of crazy (if any) they contain.

(And by the way, your humble reporter would like to apologize for missing Glenn Beck’s comments on the Census and slavery last week.  For that would have made a great column!  But your humble reporter was busy working at his second job…)

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And so, without further ado, let’s begin the inaugural Insanity Watch.

Question:  What is Glenn Beck acting crazy about this week?

Answer:  Christianity.

And here’s the relevant quote:

Where I go to church, there are members that preach social justice as members — my faith doesn’t — but the members preach social justice all the time.  It is a perversion of the gospel.  You want to help out? You help out.  It changes you.  That’s what the gospel is all about:  You.

Social justice was the rallying cry — economic justice and social justice — the rallying cry on both the Communist front and the Fascist front.  That is not an American idea.  And if we don’t get off the social justice economic justice bandwagon, if you are not aware of what this is, you are in grave danger…

I beg you, look for the words ‘social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church website.  If you find it, run as fast as you can.  Social justice and economic justice, they are code words.  Now, am I advising people to leave their church?  Yes!

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The genius of Glenn Beck is that he sees conspiracies where an ordinary human would see…  nothing at all.  “Social and economic justice,” in this context, just means the idea — preached by Jesus in the gospels — that Christians should help the poor and the downtrodden.  But where a normal person would say:  “Aw, isn’t that nice?”, Glenn Beck says:  “No!  Fools!  This is all part of a vast interconnected network of Communism and Nazism!”

Question:  Just how crazy a thing was this to say, anyhow?

Answer:  Fairly crazy.

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First of all, Glenn Beck has apparently never heard of Godwin’s Law, where the first person to compare something to the Nazis…  loses.  But then, Glenn Beck compares everything to the Nazis (Democrats, Obama, health care, college professors, etc).  Glenn Beck could probably link the Nazis up with Starbucks Coffee if he really felt like it.  “You want me to give you my NAME so that you can get my coffee order?  You know, there was ANOTHER group of people who took lists of names.  A little group called THE NAZIS.  …Maybe you’ve heard of them.  Now give me a free biscotti for my trouble.”

Also, Glenn Beck seems to have a uniquely…  odd view of the Nazis, in that he thinks of them as running around helping poor people all the time.  Most of us think of the Nazis as being the dicks who invaded Poland and who were assholes to the Jews.  But perhaps Mr. Beck thinks that World War II movies are full of lies, because World War II movies are generally made by liberals.

…And finally, it’s pretty crazy of Mr. Beck to attack Christians, since about 50% of Fox News’s audience is made up of fundamentalist Christians.  (The other 50% is made up of people who think that Ayn Rand was the greatest writer ever.)

And not only did Glenn Beck attack Christianity, he attacked what is really the nicest part of Christianity.  I’m no Christian myself.  But my favorite thing about Jesus is that he talked constantly about helping the poor, the meek, and the helpless.  If you’re going to attack Christianity, you might want to complain about, oh, I don’t know, the Crusades, say.  Or sexual molestation in the Catholic Church.  Or the way a lot of Christians seem to hate gay people, etc…  But no, Mr. Beck went right for the jugular with his strong “Encouraging people to help poor people is WRONG” stance.

On the other hand, Glenn Beck does get some points for consistency here.  You see, Glenn Beck is terrified of Communism and Nazism, even though these are completely imaginary enemies.  Because no current human being is running around saying, “Hey!  You know what was a great idea?  Communism and Fascism!”  …No one is doing that, because no one would ever say that.

But still, Glenn Beck sees phantom-like Commies and Nazis everywhere, and boldly rants against them.  He rants against them even at the expense of alienating his core audience:  conservative Christian-folk.  That’s a crazy thing to do, but it’s at least consistently crazy, and so we’re going to bump up his final score a little bit.

And so…

FINAL INSANITY SCORE:  87% CRAZY

(On a scale of 0 to 100, with “zero” being the least crazy person in the world, and “one hundred” being “Lindsay Lohan,” Glenn Beck scored 87 points.  Better luck next time, Mr. Beck!)

Every time a latte-sipping East Coast liberal media elitist like me writes an article about Sarah Palin, there’s always the same response from the Right.  And the response from the Right is as follows:  “Y’all Dumbocrats are obsessed with Sarah Palin, and that’s because you are just soooo afraid of Sarah Palin, ’cause she speaks the truth and you can’t handle the truth and she’s so totally going to beat Barry Hussein Obama!  Run Sarah, run!  The liberals are scared of you!  Palin/Beck/Limbaugh/Cheney/Brown ‘12!”

…Ahem.  Well, no.  That’s not actually the case.  I am not actually scared of Sarah Palin.  In fact, here’s a full list of the things that I am scared of–

Killer bees, hurricanes, flying, heights, my eyes getting stabbed with a sharp or pointy object, my car breaking down in rural Alabama (this happened to me once; it was not fun), the bug room in “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” the bug creatures from “Star Trek II,” bugs in general, slicing my foot on a broken piece of glass while swimming at the beach, um, bugs again, cancer, drowning, depression, death.

…See?  And was Sarah Palin anywhere on that list of things that I am scared of?  No.  She was not!

______

In fact, I love Sarah Palin.  Sarah Palin may be bad for America, but she’s good for me.  Sarah Palin is comedy gold!  Every time she opens her mouth, she says something funny/idiotic.  In fact, we’re going to coin a new word, “funnidiotic,” that will be slightly hard to pronounce in real life, and will also only ever be used with reference to Sarah Palin.

…At least, I fully believe that Sarah Palin is “funnidiotic,” and that she is human comedy gold.  But to be honest, I have never watched a full interview with her, or made it all the way through one of her speeches.  And so, it is time to put my theory to the test!

Luckily, this past Monday, Mrs. Palin appeared on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”  Yes, yes, yes.  Finally, Walking Fake Outrage Machine™ (Sarah) got to meet the Sentient Mediocre Comedy Unit™ (Jay).  …And less luckily for you,  I was available to “Liveblog” the entire interview.  And so, without further ado, let’s begin!

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LIVEBLOGGING THE JAY LENO/SARAH PALIN INTERVIEW

0:00 – And we’re live and watching the interview!  Ahahahahaha!  Just kidding.  I’m watching video clips of it the next day on Hulu, so as not to subject myself to an entire episode of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”  I’m sure that you can sympathize with my decision here.

0:03 –  Hey, it’s Sarah!  People continually act like Sarah Palin is hot, in a sort of mass-delusion, lemming-y type of way.  But I am looking at her now, and she is not…  hot.  If I had to bang one horrible conservative chick, it would not be Sarah Palin.  I’d go with Michelle Malkin, who is authentically hot, or even Michelle Bachmann (I like her crazy eyes).

0:10 – However, even though Sarah is not particularly hot, she is wearing nice jeans and shoes tonight. So, a few extra points for style there, Sarah.

0:32 — Jay asks Sarah if she thinks she’s controversial. She shakes her head no, then says, “But I’m one with the strong opinions, strong ideas.  …I’m not one to sit down and shut up.”  Wait.  Isn’t that almost the dictionary definition of “controversial”?

1:40 – Sarah says her college degree was in “Communications.”  I do not think that I have a joke here.

1:55 – Jay Leno has the only comedy show audience ever who would applaud at the mention of the words “Fox News.”

2:31– Jay Leno is pandering, pandering, pandering.  …Pander on, my friend.  Pander on.

2:58 — Jay Leno:  “The whole media is a bit like the Mafia… you go after the person, you don’t touch the wife or the family.”  No, Jay.  That’s not the media.  That’s just you.  Remember how you broke Conan’s legs, Mafia-style, and then cut out his heart?  That was only a few weeks ago.

3:39 – Jay is asking if Sarah has “learned” anything from all her experiences.  Her answer, simplified:  “No.”

3:58 — Sarah complains about the ‘Family Guy’ controversy, then complains that she hasn’t had a chance to “follow up on the controversy in the media.” …Um? Sarah? You have your own show on Fox AND YOU’RE ON THE TONIGHT SHOW AT THIS VERY SECOND. I think that counts as being given a chance to follow up in “the media.”

(…And also, just to add to that; Sarah, you continually REFUSE to give interviews to members of the mainstream media.  So you’re angry that people who you refuse to talk to haven’t talked to you?  …In other news, my head just exploded from all the irony and then I died.)

4:13 — Sarah calls Family Guy “lame.”  She also repeatedly calls the show “The Family Guy,” but whatevers.  For the first time ever, I am slowly nodding my head in agreement with Sarah Palin.  Family Guy is pretty lame.

4:32 — Sarah complains for the 1,300^th time about the media talking about her children, after she used her children as props in the campaign, discussed her own children continually, had her daughter appear on Fox News, tried to cover up her daughter’s pregnancy, got in a feud with her daughter’s boyfriend, and wrote a book where she talks about her children all the time.  Gosh darn that ol’ biased liberal media!  Because, you see, Sarah Palin hates discussing her children whom she mentions at every possible opportunity.

5:03 — And it’s the end of part one of the interview!  Let’s take a short break so that I can smoke three cigarettes and bang my head against the window repeatedly.

_____

PART TWO (IF YOU CAN STAND IT)

0:00 – …And we’re back for part two!  Following a short commercial for Verizon Phones™ that Hulu forced me to watch.  See, I like my Verizon phone, but I cannot make the phone alarm clock work, ever.  I guess, in a way, this is a good thing.  I’d never wake up on time anyway, but now, at least, I can blame this on my phone.  Anyway, I’m blathering to avoid talking about Sarah Palin.  Let’s continue.

0:17 – Jay asks Sarah about the “funny” controversy of her writing notes on her hand.  Her response:  “Ha-HAA-hehauw.”  Which is the exact same laugh that my mom does when my mom doesn’t actually think that something is funny.  This is awesome.

0:37 — The audience applauds mindlessly at the mere mention of the words “tax cuts,” like the mindless stupid monkeys that they are.  …Sorry.  I think the experience of actually watching “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” is making me a little grouchy and bitter.

1:19 – We’re still talking about the hand-notes thing.  And Sarah says, “Just to get the Left all wee-wee’d up, I’m gonna keep doin’ it!”  …”Wee-wee’d”?  It is important to remember that this person WAS ALMOST VICE-PRESIDENT.

2:32 — Sarah Palin is talking about the Tea Party movement, and seemingly just proposed either a civil revolt or an Anarcho-Communist-rebellion, I’m not sure which.  Luckily, of course, she never actually means anything that she says.

3:10 – Tepid, halfhearted applause at the mention of John McCain’s name.  For the record, the word “wee-wee’d” got a much better reaction from the crowd than the words “John McCain.”  …And it is important to remember that John McCain was almost our President.

3:56 – Sarah Palin zings Jay Leno about him stealing back the “Tonight Show,” and for a second, I kind of like her.  …Does this mean I hate Jay more than I hate Sarah?  Probably.

4:03 – Oh no.

4:05 – Oh no no no.

4:08 – Jay is going to have Sarah do a comedy monologue.  This can’t possibly be going anywhere good.

4:45 — “Kev” makes his only contribution to the show thus far.  He says the words “Really” and “Oh yeah.”  Keep on cashing that paycheck, Kev.

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/03/sarah-palin-and-jay-leno-together-at-last/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/01/what-your-vagina-needs-is-more-rhinestones/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/01/what-your-vagina-needs-is-more-rhinestones/#comments Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:18:13 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2826

Vaginas!  We all like them.  Although, if I could veer perilously off-topic for a second (and I always can), vaginas are the source of a Very Minor Disappointment™ in my life.  As a teenage guy, I saw breasts many years before I actually ever saw a vagina.  And unfortunately, breasts raised my expectation level a little too high.  “Wow,” I said to myself.  “If boobs look this awesome, then surely pussies will look even awesomer!”  …Wrong!  Incorrect.  Vaginas do not actually look cooler than breasts.  Oh well.

However, vaginas do make guy-on-girl sex possible.  And guy-on-girl sex is one of America’s favorite activities.  And so we should all pause from time to time in our busy lives, to give thanks that vaginas exist.

_____

…But wait.  If I could just speak to the ladies in the audience for a second.  (Let’s pause for a moment to allow all the guys to leave the room.)  …Okay.  Hello, Ladies.  Do you like your vagina?  …Of course you do.  But have you been feeling lately that your vagina looks a little, well, I don’t know:  oh, let’s just come out and say it.  Have you been feeling lately that your vagina looks a little blah?

Of course you have!  Duh.  Your vagina looks so bland and blah and it’s been driving you crazy!  Well, fret no more, my female friends!  For help is on the way!  For I bring you VAJAZZLING:

As you can plainly see from the photograph, “Vajazzling” is the process of adding little rhinestone-y thingies to freshly-shorn vaginas.  StyleList has the scoop:

The procedure was made popular by New York City’s Completely Bare Spa, as a post-waxing add-on service.  An esthetician decorates your newly bare nether region with stick-on Swarovski crystals in the design of your chioce.  A starburst?  A heart?  A butterfly, perhaps?

…Completely Bare owner Cindy Barshop…  did offer us this tidbit of information about how men react to the vajazzle:  “They LOVE it!” she said.  “They love it even more especially when it’s a surprise.”

Oh, yay!  Crystals in the shape of a heart, a starburst, or a butterfly, glued on to your freshly waxed vaj.  Finally, a way to make your pussy look like a glitter T-shirt from “Hot Topic”!

And hey!  Hypothetical men love it!  …And hypothetical men especially love the vajazzling when it’s a “surprise.”  And I guarantee that it’ll be a surprise!  A surprise along the lines of:  “Wow.  You glued rock-hard imitation diamonds directly next to the point where our nether regions make contact.  Um?  …Thanks so much.  Or, at least, thanks for not gluing on barbed wire or broken glass or something even more potentially painful, I guess.”

And here’s a video of a vajazzling session taking place, if you can stand it:

Ugh.  Just ugh.  And perhaps the most dismaying part of the above video is the revelation that the entire vajazzling trend was started by…  Jennifer Love Hewitt.  And so, here is the original video of J. Love Hewitt talking about having her vajayjay glitter-ified, on the “Lopez Tonight” show.  Go ahead and watch, as the parallel worlds of annoying starlets, unfunny talk shows, and stupid trends collide, merge, and explode:

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Wonderful.  And now it’s time to play “Choose Your Outrage.”  The most outrage-ifying aspect of the whole Vajazzling trend/non-trend is the following:

A)  The fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt calls her vagina her “precious lady.”

B)  Anything involving Jennifer Love Hewitt, up to and including “The Ghost Whisperer.”

C)  The word “Vajazzle” itself.

D)  The word “Vajayjay.”

E)  Any stupid slang term for the female genitalia, besides just plain “vagina” or “pussy.”

F)  The fact that the process of vajazzling, to modify my previous joke somewhat, just ends up making you look like you’re wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt on your genitals.

G)  All of it.

And the actual answer is, of course, “none of the above.”  The most horrifying part of this trend is that, due to the inevitable process of metrosexuality, soon enough, this will also be a trend for guys.  Which means that circa 2015 or so, I’ll probably end up having stick-on crystals applied in a pattern of flames above my penis.  And that sucks.  And so, as always, I weep for the future.  …And as always, I hate you, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/03/01/what-your-vagina-needs-is-more-rhinestones/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/25/john-mayer-is-still-an-idiot/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/25/john-mayer-is-still-an-idiot/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:06:17 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2795

Nothing makes me sadder than the fact that I missed reading singer John Mayer’s historic interview with Playboy Magazine.  It’s the funniest thing ever, and I missed it!  In case you missed it too, here’s a link to the whole entire thing.  John Mayer has already apologized repeatedly for the interview, in which he compared his penis to a member of the KKK and said that, quote, “black people love me.”  Of course they do, John!  Black people love anyone who is willing to compare their dick to the Klu Klux Klan!  Everyone knows that!

In the interview, John Mayer also refers to Jessica Simpson as “sexual napalm,” and yammers on about how awesome he is in bed.  Again, you really need to read the whole thing.

…And here’s John Mayer’s spoken-word apology for the interview, where he talks endlessly at one of his concerts, and in which he explains that he’s not a racist jerk, or something:

…John, John, John, John.  What we have here is a failure to communicate.  First of all, in your apology, you say that you need to stop trying to be “clever” and that you need to stop talking, and that you just need to concentrate on playing your guitar.  And then you yammer on about yourself for an uninterrupted four-and-a-half minutes. Bad!  Talking continually about yourself is what got you in trouble in the first place!  Please to just shut up, already.

Also, and I hate to say this, John, but you sound like you’re on cocaine.  A lot of cocaine.  Only fully addicted coke-heads talk that much.  And only coke-heads give interviews to Playboy with quotes like this:

The Internet, DVR, Netflix, Twitter — all these things are moments in time throughout your day when you’re able to soothe yourself. We have an autonomy of comfort and pleasure.  By the way, pornography?  It’s a new synaptic pathway.  You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals.  There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.

Wow.  “An autonomy of comfort and pleasure.”  “A new synaptic pathway.”  “A Pandora’s box of visuals.”  Those are such big words, John!  Such big words that you have managed to combine into a meaningless addled coke-fueled fever dream of pointlessness.  We salute you, John Mayer!  No one has ever needed so many GRE words to say, “Hey, I like porn” before.  Kudos and congrats.

_____

But no.  Maybe I’m wrong.  (Although I’m probably not wrong about the cocaine part.)  …Maybe the fault lies with us.  Perhaps we are simply not wise enough to understand the genius that is John Mayer.  And so, herewith, I present an annotated version of the John Mayer Playboy Interview, with comments to explain some of Mayer’s more confusing utterances, which, it turns out, are really smart things to say after all.  Please to enjoy.

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THE JOHN MAYER INTERVIEW, INTERPRETED

1)  John Mayer on his penis:  “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.  I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock.  I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”

Right!  …Wait, what?  Ignoring the casual semi-racism, what the hell does this quote even mean?  “I’m going to start dating separately from my dick”?  …Will John Mayer’s dick take a separate cab to the date?  Or will it show up later at the apartment to make things awkward for everyone?  Our best scientists have not yet come up with a efficient way to separate a man from his dick, but the idea of John Mayer as a castrati is, at the very least, something worth thinking about.

2)  John Mayer on the Jews:  “I’m half Jewish.  People say, ‘Well, which side of your family is Jewish?’ I say, ‘My dad’s.’  And they always say it doesn’t count.  But I will say I keep my pool at 92 degrees, so you do the math.”

As an actual official Jew, just allow me to say the following:  …Zuh?  …What?  …Blurgh? “I keep my pool at 92 degrees”?  What does that mean?  Do Jews really like hot water?  As a Jew, I was unaware of any connection between myself and really warm water.  But then again, I also don’t have access to the insane genius brain of John Mayer, so maybe he’s on to something here.  …Who knows?

3)  John Mayer on black people loving him:  “I am a very…  I’m just very.  V-E-R-Y.  And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag.  But I think the world needs a little very.  That’s why black people love me.”

Yes, John Mayer!  Black people love white-bread guitar players from Connecticut who compare their penises to members of the KKK.  Truly, you have your finger on the zeitgeist here.  And black people especially love you because you’re so very.  Sorry.  Because you’re so Very very very.  I think that my head just exploded.

4)  John Mayer on having sex with girls:  “When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say ‘No one’s ever done that to me in bed.’”

My god!  John Mayer is saying what we’re all always thinking!  Certainly, every time I have sex with a girl, I’m thinking to myself, “Gosh.  How can I make this experience more like fucking her ex-boyfriend in the ass?!” …Such a normal thing to think!  …But oh, John.  You forgot to stick the all-important words “No Homo!” at the end of your quote.  See, without you saying “No Homo,” we might interpret this quote incorrectly, and think that there was something odd about you wanting to fuck other men in the ass.

5)  John Mayer on sex again, unfortunately:  “Here’s what I really want to do at 32:  fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her.  So she’s like, ‘What?  You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet?  You are the shit!’”

If John Mayer didn’t constantly mention how much sex he has, I would be tempted to think that he has never had sex with an actual living human being.  “…Vaginal orgasm”?  …Who talks like that?  Who uses words like that?  This is not how normal people refer to sex.  Saying “vaginal orgasm” is like saying, “May I please have a carbonated sugar-free canned beverage?” where normal people say, “Hey, can I have a Diet Coke?”

6)  John Mayer on being uniquely psychotic, in a John Mayer-y kind of way:  “I want to dance.  I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja.  I want to be an explorer.  I want to be like The Bourne Identity.  I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.”

…I want to dance!  On an airplane!  Like a ninja!  Matt Damon movie!  …But no dogs!  …John Mayer, I once again must salute you.  A thousand monkeys typing randomly on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years could not achieve the level of blithering incoherence that you have achieved here.  Truly, John Mayer, your crappy songs will disappear from our memories soon enough.  But your psychotic interview?  …That will live on forever.

In the Spring of 2003, we signed up for a nifty little jaunt known as the Iraq War.  We did this because…  wait, why did we do it again?  Ah, yes.  We did it because Saddam Hussein Was About to Kill Us All.  Also, we did it because we were suffering under the collective delusion of:  “Hey, the first Iraq War went pretty swell!  So this one will probably go even more swell-ishly.”  And finally, we did it because we were very distracted at the time by the Internet and Reality TV, which were the hot new things in 2003, to the best of my recollection.

Well, it’s been seven years, and things didn’t go so swell-ishly, and we’re still in Iraq.  Man.  Is this war ever going to end?

_____

Well, yes.  It will.  For I bring you good news, everyone!  Because the Pentagon has announced that THE IRAQ WAR IS OVER AS OF SEPTEMBER  1ST.

(Short pause while you wait for the other shoe to drop.)

(Ready?)

(Okay.)

…Okay, to be honest, the Iraq War isn’t actually over.  But hey!  “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” the thing that we signed up for back in March, 2003; that is over now.

So, whooo!  OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM IS OVER.  Finally!  And um…  now what?

…Well, the “now what” is that we’re now renaming the war.   ABC News has the relevant scoop:

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates wrote a memo to Central Command commander Gen. David Petraeus telling him that as of September the mission in Iraq will no longer be called “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” but rather “Operation New Dawn.”

Gates wrote that by changing the name at the same time as the change of mission — the scheduled withdrawal of U.S. combat troops — the US is sending “a strong signal” that “our forces are operating under a new mission.”

So okay!  That’s good news, right?  Granted, we’re still leaving 50,000 troops in Iraq, but hey — we’re renaming the mission.  And hey!  “Operation New Dawn.”  Sounds upbeat, in a 70s kind of way.  No one could have a problem with that, right?

Wrong!  Naturally some uppity liberals have a problem with this whole thing.  Stupid liberals!  Oh, will you ever win?  …Over at the Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington whines and moans, saying that she doesn’t like this attempt at “rebranding.”  Wow, she probably didn’t like “New Coke,” either.  There’s no telling what some people will complain about.  She says that instead of calling the war “Operation New Dawn,” it should be called this instead:  “A Huge, Tragic Mistake.”  Clever!  Because it is Arianna Huffington’s job to continually restate the obvious (and to hire her celebrity friends to continually restate the obvious).

Well, we here at The Faster Times can do a little better than that.  And so, here is your top ten list of new names for the Iraq War.  Please to enjoy:

1)  Operation Endless Trudge.

2)  Operation Unnecessary Vietnam War Analogy.

3)  Operation Kill the Patient.

4)  2 Iraq 2 Furious

5)  The Iraq War:  The Squeakquel.

6)  The Iraq War:  The Director’s Cut.

7)  Operation Ruin Obama’s Presidency.

8)  Operation Shitty Dawn.

9)  Operation, Hey, I Thought We Were Supposed to be Greeted with Flowers!  We’re Not Leaving Until We Get Our Flowers, Dammit, You Assholes.

10)  Operation Iranian Freedom.  (…Whoops.  Too Soon?)

…See, kids?  Rebranding can be fun.  And by “fun,” I of course mean “useless.”  And I’ll be seeing you with yet another new list of names in 2017, when we’re inevitably still bogged down in Iraq.  And so…  until then, enjoy your new war; same as the old war.

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/22/the-iraq-war-is-over-long-live-the-iraq-war/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/21/the-weekly-wrap-tiger-woods-jay-leno-sarah-palin-etc/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/21/the-weekly-wrap-tiger-woods-jay-leno-sarah-palin-etc/#comments Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:18:12 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2689

This is the week that was.  Or this was…  the week that was.  Or whatever.  Welcome to “The Weekly Wrap,” a.k.a., “the column that I write when nothing very interesting has happened during the week in question.”  And so, here’s a round-up of all the stuff that was horrible and at least kind of interesting during this past week.  Please to enjoy!

_____

1)  Tiger Woods’s Non-Apology Apology.

Tiger Woods did a fifteen-minute nationally televised apology for sleeping with a bunch of skanks, and performed this apology with all the robotic non-excitement of — oh, let’s say — someone who didn’t really believe any of the bullshit that he was saying.  Tiger’s wife Elin wasn’t there in attendance for the speech, however, and since she’s the only person that he actually needs to apologize to, it’s safe to say that his attempts to say “I’m sorry” fell fairly…  flat.  …Who are you apologizing to at this point, Tiger?  Us?  We don’t need an apology.  We’re just watching you for the awkwardness at this point.  Trust me on this one.

2)  Jay Leno’s Horrible Return.

NBC announced the inevitable awful return of Jay Leno to “The Tonight Show” with the above terrible promo, scored to a Beatles song.  “Get back to where you started from,” indeed.  Back to non-funny jokes along the lines of, “Hey, did you hear about this current thing that happened?  …It’s a current thing that happened!  Crazy stuff, huh, folks?”  …It was also announced that Jay’s longtime useless sidekick, Kevin Eubanks, may be quitting the program.  This is great, because it could set up the following type of situation on “The Tonight Show”:

“Hey, Kev, so you hear about this one?  …Crazy news, crazy news coming out of Hollywood.”

“…You hear about this one?”

“…Kev?  …Kev?”

“…Crazy news…”

“…So?  …Kev?”

“KEV?!!!  KEV!!!!”

…And then there’s an endless, “Waiting for Godot” type of silence, and then Jay Leno starts quietly weeping to himself.  …At least, this is what we all hope is what happens.

3)  The Winter Olympics.

I didn’t watch them!  Thank god for the Winter Olympics, though.  Once every four years, they allow hackish commentators to unleash wave upon wave of hackish jokes about curling — “...Curling?  Is that even a sport?  It’s just shuffleboard on ice!  Man, if that’s a sport, taking out the garbage or beating your wife should be a sport!  …Amirite folks?”  …People do this, even though curling jokes haven’t been funny since, well, ever.  And so, people who make lame curling jokes, we salute you!  …May you always hold your torch high.

4)  “Family Guy” vs. Sarah Palin.

Horrible sitcom “Family Guy” got in a fight with horrible former politician Sarah Palin over a Down’s Syndrome joke which somehow enraged walking feud-monster Sarah Palin.  So, if we’re keeping track, Sarah Palin is now in a feud with “Family Guy,” Levi Johnson, Katie Couric, John McCain, her former campaign manager, the New York Times, Stephen Colbert, Andrew Sullivan, her former brother in law, the librarian from Wasilla, the police chief from Wasilla, half of the other the people who lived in Wasilla, the national media, and maybe a few other people whom I’m forgetting.

…But who won the “Family Guy” vs. Sarah Palin battle, you may be asking?  No one.  No one won it.  Where Sarah Palin is concerned, no one can ever win.  She is an endless black hole of suck, and she will never go away.

5)  “Dante’s Inferno” — The Video Game.

Midway through life’s journey I found myself in a dark wood, from which the straight path had been lost.  …Luckily, then I was able to HACK THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PATH WITH MY DOUBLE-SIDED +10 HIT POINTS SWORD.  YEE-HAW!!! …Yes, yes, yes.  EA Games has created a video game version of “Dante’s Inferno.”  Amazing.  Of course, in translating the poem to the game medium, they’ve taken a few small liberties.  For instance:  in the poem, Dante’s wasted life is redeemed by the intervention of a heroic woman.  But in the video game, Dante is played as a bad-ass dude who saves a helpless hot chick from Satan by HACKING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME STUFF WITH A SWORD.  YEE-HAW.  …Ah, video games.  Stay tuned for the upcoming “Paradise Lost:  The Video Game,” in which you help “Justify God’s ways to man,” by BLOWING SOME ANGELS THE FUCK UP WITH SOME CANONS.  …Whoo.

(By the way, that canon thing is actually in “Paradise Lost.”  Go ahead and read the entire book to confirm that.  Go on; go ahead.  …I’ll wait.)

And here are some other potential video game updates of classic works of literature:

1)  “The Metamorphosis:  The Game” – You play as a giant bug who kills the shit out of some people while suffering from depression!

2)  “Ulysses:  The Game”  — You play a drunken Irishman who kills the shit out of some people using the “soul-searing” psychic powers of your internal monologue!

3)  “Pride and Prejudice:  The Game” — You play a wealthy young lady who kills the shit out of some people and…

4)  And, um, okay.

5)  Are these literature jokes working at all for you guys?

6)  No?  I thought not.

7)  I just couldn’t think of a way to end this column, to be honest.

8)  Okay, I’m ending this column in a second now.

_____

…And that’s the end of the column, everyone!  That was your round-up of the week…  that was.  And let’s all hope that next week is more entertaining, so that I won’t have to write another article like this, ever ever again.  …And so, peace!  Shalom!

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/21/the-weekly-wrap-tiger-woods-jay-leno-sarah-palin-etc/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/09/super-bowl-advertisers-would-like-to-remind-you-that-women-suck/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/09/super-bowl-advertisers-would-like-to-remind-you-that-women-suck/#comments Tue, 09 Feb 2010 16:35:07 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2597

Being a man is tough.  And the reason that being a man is tough is that we’re forced to hang out with women. This sucks, because no one can stand women.  And the only reason that guys even hang out with girls in the first place is that we’re biologically forced to — because our strong hunter-gatherer instincts force us to “spread our seed,” preferably by sleeping with skanks that we never have to call again, amirite?

…But still, women.  Man, I hate hanging out with women, because girls drag you to the mall and then they’re all like “Blah blah shoes blah blah shoes shoes blah shoes blah shoes.”  And meanwhile, I’m all like, “Yo, babe, I was supposed to go Xtreme Base-Jumping with Ashton and Brody an hour ago! Shut your yap-hole, capicse?”  …And then I’ll slap whatever woman who is talking on the ass, and she’ll glare at me, ’cause women so don’t get it.

…Fortunately, some people do understand my uniquely-blinkered world-view, and these people are:  advertisers.  Specifically, Super Bowl advertisers.  Which works out because SUPER BOWL WHOO YEAH DOGG YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN?  I love the Super Bowl, because I’m such a “guy’s guy,” which is why I was so totally into watching the Indiana Horsepeople play the New Orleans Golden Flower Things on Sunday night.

And so, therefore, here is a round-up of all the best Super Bowl ads from this past weekend, and all the ways that they reminded us that women suck.

1)  Women suck because they force you to be minimally competent in your own life.

This nifty ad for Dodge cars features a bunch of men who look as though they’re about to have some sort of psychotic nervous breakdown, along with a voice-over of said men’s thoughts.  Their thoughts are all about the horrible horrible things that women force us to do.  Like “shaving,” “going to work,” “taking off our socks when we go to bed,” and “being civil to their mothers.”  Yo, women!  What’s with all the rules?  You’re telling me that I have to have a job, and shave, and not punch your mother in her face whenever I feel like it?  Yeesh!  Well, thank God I can relieve all the tension that these rules create, by taking a ride in my crappy American-made car…

2)  Women suck because women b’ readin.

Book club!  More like a LAME club, amirite?  …Who even reads books anymore?  I get all the info that I need from Twitter and shit.  …But oh, wait.  There’s beer at the book club?  Oh, and it’s my favorite kind!  Crappy watered-down lite beer!  …Well, I guess I could stay at the book club, then.  And maybe I’ll hit on your best friend while I’m brazenly showing my absolute disregard for everything that interests you!  Yahoo!

3)  Women suck because women are not as useful as tires.

Hot girls in skin-tight latex!  We all hate them, am I right?  Certainly, they’re not as cool as tires.  When you meet a girl, in fact, you should always ask yourself the following questions:

a)  Is she round?

b)  Can she roll?

c)  Is she made of vulcanized rubber?

d)  Is her name “Bridgestone”?

If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” then the girl under discussion is almost certainly not a tire, and you should ditch her as soon as humanly possible.  Preferably by leaving her to stand out in the rain.  Especially if you’re married to her.  And you should really leave her to stand out in the rain to maybe get raped by a band of nomads.  Yeah, she’s hot, but she’s no tire.

4)  Women suck because of bras.

Geez, who wants to watch a pretty girl change into and out of bras when you could be watching THE LOCAL TELEVISED SPORTING EVENT.  Real men love “Sportz,” and hate “breasts.”  Breasts suck!

5)  EXCEPTION TO THE RULE:  Women don’t suck because of nudity, although nudity kind of terrifies us for some reason.

Hey, it’s a terrible “GoDaddy.com” ad!  An occasional exception to the rule of us guys hating women is that guys sometimes like nudity, but nudity is also shocking and terrible.  Which is why, thank God, this ad cuts away from any awful nudity immediately.  Why, if things had gone any further, we might have seen some belly button!  Or some shoulder!

6)  ONLY OTHER EXCEPTION TO THE RULE:  Women do not suck if the particular woman’s name is “Megan Fox.”

Megan Fox!  She’s HAWT, am I right?  Man, if only we could hang out with her.  We could watch her take a bubble bath and watch her being all sexxxy.  Unfortunately, it is doubtful that Megan Fox would ever want to hang out with us, since, based on the other ads, all us guys are illiterate misogynistic alcoholic assholes who can’t even be bothered to shave.  …That’s the only sad downside of hating women, I guess.  It kind of makes women hate you too.  Oh well.  There’s always SPORTZ.  All us GUYZ love SPORTZ.  …Guys?  …Am I right?  …Am I right?  …Um?  …Guys?

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/09/super-bowl-advertisers-would-like-to-remind-you-that-women-suck/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/03/in-the-future-you-will-have-sex-with-a-terrifying-robot/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/03/in-the-future-you-will-have-sex-with-a-terrifying-robot/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:54:38 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2578 …Sometimes, I feel like we were sold a real bill of goods on “the future.”  We were promised robot butlers, flying cars, and domed cities on the moon.  …And what do we get in real life?  Twitter, the Internet, and iPads.  …Blurgh.  Blurgh to the max.

Another thing that we were promised was submissive robot sex slaves, à la “The Stepford Wives.”  And, well, I do have good news on that front, everyone!  Gaze with shock and awe upon “Roxxxy,” the computerized talking sex doll of the future…  today!  And here she is:

Wow, she’s so sexy!  Sorry, I mean “sexxxy.”  Assuming, of course, that your idea of sexy translates to “plastic terrifying mannequin who sort of looks like a Down’s Syndrome baby.”  Eek.

And here’s the relevant press release:

To some men, she might seem like the perfect woman:  She’s a willowy 5 feet 7 and 120 pounds.  She’ll chat with you endlessly about your interests.  And she’ll have sex whenever you please — as long as her battery doesn’t run out.

Meet Roxxxy, who may be the world’s most sophisticated talking female sex robot.  For $7,000, she’s all yours.

“She doesn’t vacuum or cook, but she does almost everything else,” said her inventor, Douglas Hines, who unveiled Roxxxy last month at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Wow, only $7,000 for a hunk of talking plastic.  Groovy.  But, aw!  She doesn’t vacuum or cook!  That sucks, because I was planning on having Roxxxy do all of my demeaning 1950s-era sexist “womanly” chores.  Rats.  Will she at least sit at the dinner table and stare passively while I drone on and on about my boring job?  Because that’s what I look for in a woman — er, sex robot; er, sexxx robot.

Here’s another picture of Roxxxy, but be warned.  Once you see it, you will NOT BE ABLE TO UN-SEE IT—

….Aaaaaaah.  Agh.  Aaaaaah.

And here’s some more info about Roxxxy:

Lifelike dolls, artificial sex organs and sex-chat phone lines have been keeping the lonely company for decades.  But Roxxxy takes virtual companionship to a new level.

Powered by a computer under her soft silicone “skin,” she employs voice-recognition and speech-synthesis software to answer questions and carry on conversations.  She even comes loaded with five distinct “personalities,” from Frigid Farrah to Wild Wendy, that can be programmed to suit customers’ preferences.

…Okay.  Thousands of questions are popping into my head here.  Among them — why pay $7,000 for a sex robot, and then set her to “Frigid”?  …Because you’re really into robots who play “hard to get”?  …It’s a frigging robot.  And what could some of Roxxxy’s other “personalities” be?  Lachrymose Lisa?  Passive-Aggressive Pam?  Annoyingly Goth-y Anna?  …The mind reels and then boggles and then reels again.

And here’s even more info about Roxxxy, if you can stand it:

Roxxxy has been like catnip to talk-show hosts since her debut at AEE, the largest porn-industry convention in the country.  In a recent monologue, Jay Leno expressed amazement that a sex robot could carry on lifelike conversations and express realistic emotions.

“Luckily, guys,” he joked, “there’s a button that turns that off.”

Haw!  “A button…  that turns that off.”  Because talking to women really sucks, amirite?  Because guys are all like, “sports,” and women are all like, “babies and breast milk and shoes.”  Amirite?  (And robot women are probably all like:  “robot babies and robot shoes.”)  …Oh Jay Leno, you pathetic hack, you.

And here’s even still more info:

A motor in her chest pumps heated air through a tube that winds through the robot’s body, which Hines says keeps her warm to the touch. Roxxxy also has sensors in her hands and genital areas — yes, she is anatomically correct — that will trigger vocal responses from her when touched.  She even shudders to simulate orgasm.

When someone speaks to Roxxxy, her computer converts the words to text and then uses pattern-recognition software to match them against a database containing hundreds of appropriate responses.  The robot then answers aloud — her prerecorded “voice” is supplied by an unnamed radio host — through a loudspeaker hidden under her wig.

“Everything you say to her is processed.  It’s very near real time, almost without delay,” Hines said of the dynamics of human-Roxxxy conversation.  “To make it as realistic as possible, she has different dialogue at different times.  She talks in her sleep.  She even snores.”  (The snoring feature can be turned off, he says.)

Roxxxy understands and speaks only English for now, but Hines’ True Companion company is developing Japanese and Spanish versions.  For an extra fee, he’ll also record customizable dialogue and phrases for each client, which means Roxxxy could talk to you about NASCAR, say, or the intricacies of politics in the Middle East.

Great, a shuddering snoring robot that can trap me into a conversation about politics or NASCAR, the two things that I least want to talk about in this world.  …Truly, the future will suck worse than anyone could have possibly ever imagined.

More on Roxxxy — Including a Terrifying Video — Here

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/02/03/in-the-future-you-will-have-sex-with-a-terrifying-robot/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/01/30/10-random-thoughts-from-the-past-week/ http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/2010/01/30/10-random-thoughts-from-the-past-week/#comments Sat, 30 Jan 2010 21:42:33 +0000 Oliver Miller http://thefastertimes.com/nonsensenews/?p=2555

1)  Until this whole “doppelganger” thing started, I never realized that I knew so many people who look JUST LIKE SUPERMODELS.  Thanks, Facebook!

2)  If you’re a 30-something “manchild” like me, putting your iPod on “shuffle” during sex can have major blowback.  “Wow.  You sure do…  have lots of songs from ‘The Muppet Movie.’”  Yeah.  …I sure do.

3)  Speaking of sex, someone should really get on inventing new sexual positions, stat.  Once you get past mish and doggie, it devolves into the gross stuff way super-fast.

4)  I was never on “Team Coco.”  I was on “Team Let’s Horribly Burn Jay Leno in a Fire.”  That’s right; I never feel any love.  Only pure, pure hate.

5)  It’s really hard to come up with jokes about Republicans when they suck twat so bad.

6)  They don’t even HAVE Republicans in Canada.  Yeah.  Pause for a second.  Let that one really sink in.

7)  Thank God that they’re paying the “Jersey Shore” people a shitload of money now.  If anyone’s ready to handle the pressures of fame and fortune, it’s those good kids.

8)  Here’s my new political plan.  Let Obama dissolve the Senate like the Emperor in “Star Wars.”

9)  …Because really, wouldn’t that be great?  OBAMA:  “…My fellow Americans.  Ahem.  Fear will keep the local star systems in line!  Fear of this battle station!”  **…scattered, confused applause**

10)  Number ten is a lie.

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