This is the week that was.  Or this was…  the week that was.  Or whatever.  Welcome to “The Weekly Wrap,” a.k.a., “the column that I write when nothing very interesting has happened during the week in question.”  And so, here’s a round-up of all the stuff that was horrible and at least kind of interesting during this past week.  Please to enjoy!

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1)  Tiger Woods’s Non-Apology Apology.

Tiger Woods did a fifteen-minute nationally televised apology for sleeping with a bunch of skanks, and performed this apology with all the robotic non-excitement of — oh, let’s say — someone who didn’t really believe any of the bullshit that he was saying.  Tiger’s wife Elin wasn’t there in attendance for the speech, however, and since she’s the only person that he actually needs to apologize to, it’s safe to say that his attempts to say “I’m sorry” fell fairly…  flat.  …Who are you apologizing to at this point, Tiger?  Us?  We don’t need an apology.  We’re just watching you for the awkwardness at this point.  Trust me on this one.

2)  Jay Leno’s Horrible Return.

NBC announced the inevitable awful return of Jay Leno to “The Tonight Show” with the above terrible promo, scored to a Beatles song.  “Get back to where you started from,” indeed.  Back to non-funny jokes along the lines of, “Hey, did you hear about this current thing that happened?  …It’s a current thing that happened!  Crazy stuff, huh, folks?”  …It was also announced that Jay’s longtime useless sidekick, Kevin Eubanks, may be quitting the program.  This is great, because it could set up the following type of situation on “The Tonight Show”:

“Hey, Kev, so you hear about this one?  …Crazy news, crazy news coming out of Hollywood.”

“…You hear about this one?”

“…Kev?  …Kev?”

“…Crazy news…”

“…So?  …Kev?”

“KEV?!!!  KEV!!!!”

…And then there’s an endless, “Waiting for Godot” type of silence, and then Jay Leno starts quietly weeping to himself.  …At least, this is what we all hope is what happens.

3)  The Winter Olympics.

I didn’t watch them!  Thank god for the Winter Olympics, though.  Once every four years, they allow hackish commentators to unleash wave upon wave of hackish jokes about curling — “...Curling?  Is that even a sport?  It’s just shuffleboard on ice!  Man, if that’s a sport, taking out the garbage or beating your wife should be a sport!  …Amirite folks?”  …People do this, even though curling jokes haven’t been funny since, well, ever.  And so, people who make lame curling jokes, we salute you!  …May you always hold your torch high.

4)  “Family Guy” vs. Sarah Palin.

Horrible sitcom “Family Guy” got in a fight with horrible former politician Sarah Palin over a Down’s Syndrome joke which somehow enraged walking feud-monster Sarah Palin.  So, if we’re keeping track, Sarah Palin is now in a feud with “Family Guy,” Levi Johnson, Katie Couric, John McCain, her former campaign manager, the New York Times, Stephen Colbert, Andrew Sullivan, her former brother in law, the librarian from Wasilla, the police chief from Wasilla, half of the other the people who lived in Wasilla, the national media, and maybe a few other people whom I’m forgetting.

…But who won the “Family Guy” vs. Sarah Palin battle, you may be asking?  No one.  No one won it.  Where Sarah Palin is concerned, no one can ever win.  She is an endless black hole of suck, and she will never go away.

5)  “Dante’s Inferno” — The Video Game.

Midway through life’s journey I found myself in a dark wood, from which the straight path had been lost.  …Luckily, then I was able to HACK THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PATH WITH MY DOUBLE-SIDED +10 HIT POINTS SWORD.  YEE-HAW!!! …Yes, yes, yes.  EA Games has created a video game version of “Dante’s Inferno.”  Amazing.  Of course, in translating the poem to the game medium, they’ve taken a few small liberties.  For instance:  in the poem, Dante’s wasted life is redeemed by the intervention of a heroic woman.  But in the video game, Dante is played as a bad-ass dude who saves a helpless hot chick from Satan by HACKING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME STUFF WITH A SWORD.  YEE-HAW.  …Ah, video games.  Stay tuned for the upcoming “Paradise Lost:  The Video Game,” in which you help “Justify God’s ways to man,” by BLOWING SOME ANGELS THE FUCK UP WITH SOME CANONS.  …Whoo.

(By the way, that canon thing is actually in “Paradise Lost.”  Go ahead and read the entire book to confirm that.  Go on; go ahead.  …I’ll wait.)

And here are some other potential video game updates of classic works of literature:

1)  “The Metamorphosis:  The Game” – You play as a giant bug who kills the shit out of some people while suffering from depression!

2)  “Ulysses:  The Game”  — You play a drunken Irishman who kills the shit out of some people using the “soul-searing” psychic powers of your internal monologue!

3)  “Pride and Prejudice:  The Game” — You play a wealthy young lady who kills the shit out of some people and…

4)  And, um, okay.

5)  Are these literature jokes working at all for you guys?

6)  No?  I thought not.

7)  I just couldn’t think of a way to end this column, to be honest.

8)  Okay, I’m ending this column in a second now.

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…And that’s the end of the column, everyone!  That was your round-up of the week…  that was.  And let’s all hope that next week is more entertaining, so that I won’t have to write another article like this, ever ever again.  …And so, peace!  Shalom!