Aw yeah.  It’s time for my favorite event in the month of December.  No, not Christmas, Hanukkah, or even Lindsay Lohan’s semi-annual nervous breakdown.  No; it’s the list of top baby names for the past year, wherein we get to see how traditional, pretentious or traditiopretentious Americans have decided to be in naming the fruit of their over-productive loins.

Yahoo!  But even before we get to the list, I have exciting news, everyone!  My own name, “Oliver,” is rising up the charts!  Although my name started out this decade as only the 305th most popular name, it has risen to a stunning 118th in popularity.  Yeah!  Whoo!  It’s a buyer’s market!  The time to invest in Oliver is now!  And this informative chart will help explain the whole rise of “Oliver” to you—

Actually, as far as I can tell, that chart explains almost nothing, but it does give me certain nausea-inducing memories of Geometry class in high school, which was the only class that I ever failed in my life.  So.  There’s that.

By the way, the same website that gave me the graph also provided a list of “unique” alternatives for the name Oliver.  So if you’re thinking of naming your kid “Oliver,” but can’t quite commit to the name, here are some other options—

…All of which would be great names for your kid, assuming that your career plan for him is “9th century Viking berserker warlord.”

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But anyway…  Okay!  Enough about my awesome name.  Let’s move on to the most popular baby names of the past year, as reported by the National Post.  I have also added my own quick, “E-Z to Read” comments…

Boys:

1)      Aiden — No!  Do you really want to give your kid a douchebaggish “Irish” trend o’ the month name?  And do you want your kid to grow up to be like Colin Farrell?  No.  You do not want that; but that’s what naming a baby “Aiden” will accomplish.  So do not use this name.  And let’s move on…

2)      Matthew — Fine.  Biblical.  Whatever.

3)      Owen — Makes me jealous because it starts with an “O” and is more popular than “Oliver.”

4)      Ethan — Seems a little played-out and 90s, but hey, name him “Ethan” if you want.

5)      Jackson —  I’m assuming this is in honor of Jackson Pollack, who died because he crashed his car, while drunk, while driving with his teenage mistress.  Awesome job, Mr. Pollack, way to go!  …I am not sure that you want to be naming your kid in honor of Jackson Pollack, but hey, it sounds trendy.

6)      Evan — I knew a guy named Evan once and I didn’t like him.  I’m just saying.

7)      Braden — Do you want him to be hairdresser/member of a boy band?  Pass.

8)      Noah — I actually like this name!

9)      Jack — Fine.

10)    Zachary — He’ll be a spazz.  People will call him “Zack Attack.”

Girls:

1)      Madeline — Fine.

2)      Madison — Slut!

3)      Emma — I had a dog named “Emmy” once, so whenever I hear this name I think of my dog for some reason.  But “Emma” is an okay name, I guess.

4)      Hannah — Fine.

5)      Olivia — Nice!

6)      Audrey — Fine, I guess.  Wow, girls’ names are way less offensive than guys’ names.  I should add the proviso here that “Audrey” works as a name if the girl is going to be hot like Audrey Hepburn.  If she’s not going to be hot, then this is kind of a dowdy, 1950s housewife kind of name.

7)      Isabella — Girls should not be named “Isabella” unless they are actually Italian or are a Disney princess.

8)      Grace — Seems like this name would create some unreasonable expectations.

9)      Taylor — Is this because of that singer girl that I’m too old to listen to?  Pass.

10)    Emily — Annnnd…  Fine.

…Wow.  I really should have not ended with the girls’ names.  Those are way less funny.  ANY-way…  those are your top baby names for the Year of Our Lord 2009.  And I’ll be seeing you again with this in December, 2010!  So until then, please try to not name your children anything stupid…

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