Some people hate Christmas. Some people say things like, “America has taken a simple holiday that was meant to be about love and joy and turned it into a gross celebration of consumerism.” Or they say things like: “America has taken the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and turned it into… a gross celebration of consumerism.” Or, if they’re slightly smarter, they say: “Historians believe that Jesus was born in the summer, not the winter, and Christmas is just a modification of an old pagan holiday that we have turned into a gross celebration of consumerism.”
To these people I say the following: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, GIVE ME MY FREE PRESENTS NOW. Presents! No other holiday gives you so many presents! I don’t like candy, turkey is gross, and Easter confuses me because I’m Jewish. But Christmas… now there’s a motherfucking holiday. That gives you lots of presents. My family made token attempts to celebrate Hanukkah when I was a kid, until I wisely bitched and moaned and correctly pointed out that you don’t get nearly as many presents for Hanukkah as you get for Christmas. (Only one present a night for Hanukkah? That’s bullshit!) Thus, my family switched over to the celebration of Christmas, and we’ve never looked back since.
…To be fair, there are some problems with Christmas. Such as the fact that the holiday shopping season now apparently starts in August. And then there are the horrible Christmas commercials that start playing in November. Like this one:
OHHHHH CHRISTMAS YOU SO FINE YOU SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND, GO CHRISTMAS! CLAP CLAP CLAP! GO CHRISTMAS! Awesome job, The Gap, way to go!¹ You have created an ad that is a uniquely horrible combination of a Toni Basil song, the movie “Bring It On,” “Stomp,” the Blue Man Group, and everything else that is terrible in this universe. …GO CHRISTMAS! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
Also: “Go Hanukkah”? Come on. I’ve already explained that I’m Jewish, and even us Jews know that Hanukkah sucks.² And: “Go Kwanzaa”? …“Go Solstice”? What the hell… is Solstice? Is it like the Wiccan Christmas? Don’t even tell me, and I don’t even want to look it up, because then I’ll be stuck knowing what “Solstice” is for the rest of my life. …Come on, advertisers, stop throwing us these bones. Reminding people of lesser crappy holidays just reminds us that you’re only pretending to care about them. You don’t. Are any Gap models or employees celebrating Solstice this year? They are most certainly not. So just stop it with the multi-culturalism already. Fake multi-culturalism is so played out and 90s-ish anyway.
However, I would like to thank you for one thing, horrible Gap commercial. Watching you has helped to solidify my newly-created Unified Ghostbusters Theory of Everything, wherein everything can be explained… with reference to the movie “Ghostbusters.” For example, all winter holidays can be broken down “Ghostbusters” style. To wit:
1) Christmas = Bill Murray = the only cool holiday and the only holiday that you want to be associated with.
2) Hannukah = Dan Aykroyd = Christmas’s geekier, more awkward pal.
3) Kwanzaa = Ernie Hudson = the token black holiday that you often forget about.
4) “Solstice” = Egon = I still don’t know what Solstice is, but Egon is the lamest of the Ghostbusters, and Solstice has got to be the lamest holiday ever.
So there you go. Also, I’d like to admit that I have only just come up with the Unified Ghostbusters Theory of Everything, but I have a strong feeling that it probably works for analyzing, well, everything. Relationships, U.S. Presidential Elections, where to have dinner tonight… anyway, feel free to test out my Ghostbusters Theory and let me know how it goes.
…And that is all. So, happy Christmukakwanzosolstice, everyone! Only like 58 shopping days left!
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FOOTNOTES:
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1) Also, I don’t want to even talk about the photo of the Gap model at the top of this article. She is apparently being eaten by multi-colored stripes and it’s all very annoying and I don’t want to talk about it.
2) Actual Hanukkah presents that I have received from my grandmother, who has never really gotten with the whole Christmas program: (a) Socks. (b) “The Big Book of Jewish Sports Heroes.” I am not making this up. The Big Book… of Jewish Sports Heroes. The book was approximately fifteen pages long. I am not making that up either.
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SIMPLYD23 says:
ol-of course i'm going to tell you that i celebrate the solstice! both the summer and the winter ones. the solstice is december 21, and is the shortest day of the year. the pagans held a big drum circle on that night, afraid the sun wouldn't return. maybe it was druids, but you get the meaning. then you get to celebrate that from that moment on, the days are going to get longer...
Oliver Miller says:
Wait. The druids were afraid... that the Sun would DISAPPEAR? This just confirms my belief that "Solstice" is a dopey holiday, and that druids are dumb. The sun never disappears, yo! Easy to figure out.
Oliver Miller says:
...Although that does remind me of my favorite line from the non-good movie "Spies Like Us." "...If you let us go, I will bring back the sun."
And "Spies Like Us" even features Dan Aykroyd! See how I sort of tied everything together there?
chris says:
eff this ad for sure--- a holiday is not whatever you want. Christmas is not halloween for example. How about christmas is I-don't-buy-things day?
BillyVanDahm says:
This commercial made me envy the blind.
FATANDY says:
If Xmas=Bill Murray, Hannukah=Dan Akroyd and Kwanzaa=Ernie Hudson, Solstice=Harold Ramis...not Egon. Seriously, use either their real names or their character names. Don't mix. With that $60K worth of fancy academic letters after your name, you should at least be consistent. I'm not sure which I despise more, this kindergarten-chat column or that sweaty Gap commercial. I just know that after viewing both, I feel like "I've been slimed."
Jess says:
This is without a doubt the most awesome article ever ! Bill Murray is genius now I finally have someone that I can judge all standards too. Thank-You ! And too all you PC idiots admit it, Christmas presents rock and YOU KNOW IT ! >;0) Although that GAP commercial needs to be destroyed. and to FAtaNDY LIGHTEN UP PAL !
Tiffany Kelly says:
Bill Murray = Halloween
Oliver Miller says:
Please to explain, Ms. Kelly.
Kimberly says:
I hated this commercial! I don't want Christmas trivialized and lumped in with other 'holidays'. I won't be buying anything at The Gap this year for CHRISTMAS. No gift cards this year even if the teens ask for them.
Jessica says:
I hate the Gap commercial but what I hate even more is self-loathing Jews. Chanukah sucks? What household did YOU grow up in because in my house Chanukah was the best mother f'n celebration ever. You switched to Christmas?? How humiliating and sad for you...
Oliver Miller says:
You know the part that I did like about Hanukkah? The dreidel song. Seriously, I love that song. OH DREIDEL DREIDEL DREIDEL I MADE YOU OUT OF CLAY. ...Something something... A DREIDEL I WILL PLAY! Good stuff.
Leslie says:
I can't figure out why The Gap made a Christmas commercial using the exact same style of song/cheer/chant as those Hormel lunchmeat commercials. (Which, by the way, are WAY better.) And Hormel's been at it for 2 years now! Way to go, Gap... I shouldn't have expected anything more.
Leochick93 says:
The ad is meant to not offend one by mentioning them all so people can't bicth about not being included, because not being included in the world of GAP and in general means you have failed at life and do not deserve a holiday all together. :)
I think the ad is well planned and makes people excited for the holiday season period, not just one. Most people in my job sing along (Yes we have tv's everywhere). Most people are happy just to feel….happy together at this coming season and should get over the "That is anti-me" vibe. No one is that concerned about what you do or believe in, it is not always about you. Just have stuff your pie hole get your gifts, and let the kids enjoy.
Dee says:
Thank you Gap! My pantheist boyfriend celebrates all holidays (because he considers all religions to have grains of truth) and he's been waiting for someone to mention solstice for years! I might just join him this year, I'd much rather celebrate the day getting longer than receive presents. XD Not all of us are shallow materialists.
Steve says:
"Not all of us are shallow materialists."
No Dee, you and your pansexual boyfriend are just assholes. Merry Christmas.
anon says:
I lol'd.
allison says:
When they say "Go Solstice", aren't they referring to Dongzhi, or the Winter Solstice, a MAJOR festival celebrated in China and other Eastern Asian countries? DUH? Rather than having a knee-jerk reaction in regard to what you think something is, spend 5 minutes doing investigation. Obviously "The Gap" would not want to ignore Asian Americans in it's marketing/ad campaign...
The Faster Read says:
Dongzhi! DUH. STUPID OLIVER. Why don't you do research even though you made a joke about how you specifically were refusing to do research! DUH.
The Faster Read says:
Oh, fudge. I'm logged in as The Faster Read. ...That was me, Oliver, making fun of Oliver, in the comment above.