I’ve been following Justin Timberlake’s career with interest for some time now.  First of all, the dude’s an artistic triple-threat (singing, dancing, and acting).  Also, I firmly believe that he caused Britney Spears to go completely batshit crazy (we’ll get into that later).  And also also, he dumped Scarlett Johannson for Jessica Biel, and I have never liked Scarlett Johannson, so that’s cool too.  And really finally also, the single “SexyBack” is clearly the greatest song in the history of the world.

So that’s all to the good.  And so, exciting news, fellow Justin Timberlake watchers!  For Justin’s greatest days may yet lie ahead of him!  For Variety Magazine has announced that J-Timb (as I call him) is to star in…  “Yogi Bear:  The Movie”!  …Yay?  Yes, yes, yes, Justin will be taking on the role of a lifetime as Yogi’s sidekick…  Boo Boo Bear!  …Um?

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Okay, two things.  First, I continue to be impressed that all Hollywood studios are now run by people exactly like me — i.e., people whose cultural memory goes back no further than old episodes of “The Transformers,” “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” and, yes, “Yogi Bear.”  For that is awesome.

But secondly, I feel like Justin Timberlake is bringing us to the brink of a precipice here.  …Do we…  really…  need a Yogi Bear movie?  I myself must have watched at least 1,300 episodes of “The Yogi Bear Show” as a child, but I remember none of it.  As far as I can recall, Yogi would try to steal a picnic basket, Boo Boo would say “But Yogi…” and then something else would happen and then the cartoon would end.  I mean, sure, that sounds like a nifty two-hour long movie, but let’s be careful here, people!  …If we keep cramming all these cartoon-remake movies down people’s throats, then eventually the viewing public will get fed up, and the whole trend of recycling every goddamn 70s and 80s thing as a major film event will…  come to an end.  And that can’t happen.  Not while I’m still sitting on this half-finished “Duck Tales:  The Motion Picture” screenplay that I’ve been working on!¹  …So let’s show a little restraint here, please, Justin and everyone else.

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Still, now that the days of “Justin Timberlake International Movie Star in ‘Yogi Bear:  The Goddamned Movie’” are almost upon us, maybe it’s worth taking a look back to see how we arrived at this precise point.  So herewith, I present “JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE:  A RETROSPECTIVE.”

2008 — Justin appears in the song “Jizz in My Pants,” which is shown on Saturday Night Live.  To be fair, this song is incredibly funny (and is much funnier than “Dick in a Box”).  But to be less fair, J-Timb is only in the song for like five goddamn seconds, so whatevers.

2006 — Justin utters the following quote, on the important topic of his nose:   “Sexy, to me, is the way you carry what you have.  I have a big nose, but I rock it.”  Uh-huh.  This quote is interesting to me, because I also have a big nose, but I decidedly do not “rock it,” whatever the hell rocking it would involve or mean.  Instead, I just sort of wish that I had a slightly smaller nose.  But shit like knowing how to rock your nose is probably why J-Timb is an international pop star, and I’m not.

2005 — Justin releases THE GREATEST SONG IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, the aforementioned “SexyBack.”  I initially resist listening to this song, because I assume from the title that it is about a sexy back; specifically the sweaty sexy back of a man named Justin Timberlake, which, ugh, gross.  Unfortunately, my best friend Tiffany loves this song and plays it continually in her car, so that I get to hear this over and over.  And over:

Wow.  That’s quite a song.  And I guess that we have a lot to thank Justin for.  Since 2005, we have apparently been living in the Sexxxxy Years, and we have Mr. Timberlake to thank for it it.  I myself had been unaware up to this point that sexiness as a whole had actually gone anywhere and needed to be brought back.  I just sort of assumed that some people were sexy, and that some people — like me — tried to get by on “being funny with a good personality.”

But Justin, on the other hand, stared nobly into the void and asked himself:  Where is sexy?  Whither sexiness? And then he brought “sexy back.”  I personally think that this is pretty fucking stupid.  But that’s why he’s a major recording artist and I’m not, etc…

2000something-ish? — Mr. Timberlake apparently rips off Janet Jackson’s bra at the Super Bowl or something, but I didn’t care about the teams playing that year, so I didn’t watch it.

2003 — J-Timb releases the single “Cry Me a River,” which is all about how his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears is a cheating hoebag.  He then performs this song live on the “Billboard Music Awards.”  Please to enjoy:

…Jesus Christ!  No wonder Britney went fucking crazy, am I right?  A full gospel choir.  This song features a full gospel choir signing about how Ms. Spears is a lying slutbag who cries fake tears.  Um, Jesus!  That would send me over the edge too.  Note to my ex-girlfriends:  if you ever release a number one single on the topic of how bad I suck, that is cool.  …But if you release that same single and then perform it live with a goddamn choir, then I am totally freaking the fuck out.  I mean it.  I will take revenge on you, possibly via prank calling or the running-up-to-your-door, ringing-the-doorbell, and-then-running-away method.  I am serious here.  I mean it.

Pre-2003: Justin is in a band with the name of “‘N Sync,” which seems unbelievable now; that a band with that name could be popular and so forth, but it really happened.  …I never ever listened to this band.

1981: Justin Timberlake is born.

…And before that, nothing really happened.  There were a couple of wars, the dinosaurs, and an ice age or two.  But nothing major.  Also, Hitler and stuff.  And the Renaissance.  And the Crusades.  But none of these things involved Justin Timberlake, and I personally don’t have a clear memory of them.  So fuck it.  Whatevs.²

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FOOTNOTES:

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1)  Starring Sean Connery as Scrooge McDuck, Abigail Breslin as Webby, and — I dunno — let’s say maybe Christian Bale as Huey, Dewey and Louie!  Come on!  You would totally pay money to see that, am I right?

2)  …Hey there.  I’m sorry that this article was so long.  I started making fun of Mr. Timberlake without having a real plan in mind — I admit it — and then as I looked stuff up about him, I realized that there was more and more stuff to make fun of.   So.  I apologize.  Also, I started out talking about the Yogi Bear movie and then just kind of dropped that whole topic.  So I’m sorry about that too.

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