Do you ever feel like the world’s coming to an end? I know that I feel this way, all of the time. “Oh my god. My latest girlfriend dumped me? IT’S ALL OVER.” Or: “Oh my god. I’m out of cigarettes, and I still have to write a funny article for a website? …This is it, people. IT’S ALL OVER.”
But of course, I am not literally retarded, and neither are you. I don’t ever literally think that the world is coming to an end. And neither do the fine douchetards at Columbia Pictures. But nonetheless, they have provided us with another fine bullshit apocalyptic movie in the fine tradition of bullshit apocalyptic movies. And here is the trailer:
Awesome job, “2012″ trailer, way to go! And congratulations on providing us with the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation in the history of the world. Come on now! I am widely known as being the worst celebrity-voice-impersonator ever, but even I can do a better “Arnold” voice than that.¹ (It’s easy, by the way. Just “visualize” the word “KAL-E-FORN-YA” in your head. Once you’ve got that, then you’re good to go.²)
Also, the bad Arnold imitator in the trailer merely serves to remind me that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be far far better in this kind of movie than John “I Act Too Much with My Hands” Cusack. A Schwarzenegger movie about the end of the world? Sign me up. (“QUICKLY! BEE-HIND YOU! DE END OF DAH WORLD! HURRY! DAH’S NO TIME!”) …A John Cuscak version of the same movie, on the other hand? …Thank you, but no.
To be fair, the movie isn’t all driving and yelling. There’s also some driving and flying thrown in. (So: “DrivingYellingFlying: The Motion Picture.”) Which totally makes sense, because according to the ancient Mayan calender, the world will totally and completely come to an end on December 21st, 2012.³ But naturally, the movie “2012″ cleverly presents this apocalypse as a mere dramatic speed-bump on the road of John Cusack’s life. …Hey, the end of the entire world is here! But no problem: we’ll just FLY our way to safety! Huh? …What the zurg?
By the way, here — for no reason — is the entire trailer all over again, but with all the special effects removed. So that — y’know, you can really concentrate on the acting.
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Man, not to dump on the Mayans or anything — after all, they also came up with the really brilliant idea of live human sacrifices — but the whole “2012″ thing has to be the least compelling disaster scenario since the whole “Y2K” argle-bargle. Also, at least part of that last sentence was a lie. I do want to dump on the Mayans. Because the Mayans were a bunch of dopes. They tore people’s hearts out, threw men and women off of cliffs, and their major architectural concept was this: “Hey, let’s make everything all cube-ish and triangular and shit.”
Moreover, the Mayan calendar sucks ass. Here’s today’s date in Mayan, for instance:
12.19.16.14.15
…And that’s dumb. If we’re going to get all Mayan and shit, then we’re going have to start saying stuff like “Looks like someone’s got a case of the 15s!” and “Thank God it’s 19!” (T.G.I.19!). And that is likewise dumb. So let’s not be going around basing shit on the notoriously inaccurate Mayan calender, okay?
But still, even if the Mayan calender is wrong, and even if the Mayans are a bunch of dorks, and even if the Mayans never predicted the end of the world — well, still, it’s all just a harmless blockbuster movie starring John Cusack, right? …Well, not exactly. Apparently the film’s fake “scientific” website has caused widespread panic, and a noted scientist has received more than a thousand inquires from frightened conspiracy nuts — as well as letters from teenagers contemplating suicide after viewing the movie’s marketing campaign. “2012″: Who Will Survive? Well, apparently not dumb young people who can’t figure out the difference between a movie website and a real website.
So anyway: great, groovy, wow. Terrified suicidal teenagers! That is certainly a high level of, um, “buzz” and anticipation for a standard crappy disaster movie. So finally it can be said: “2012″ is the John Cusack movie worth dying for! …Assuming that you’re a retard.
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FOOTNOTES:
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1) The other “celebrity” voice that I can do: The voice of the “shrimp guy” from “Forrest Gump,” which is a movie that I’ve never actually seen, except for that one clip of him talking about shrimp. I’m a huge fan of my “shrimp guy” voice even though no one has ever found it to be funny. “FRIED shrimp, BOILED shrimp, shrimp SAUTÉ, shrimp ALMONDINE, shrimp in SHRIMP SAUCE…”
2) This is a really a footnote to footnote (1) but okay, I can also do a bad Sean Connery and the Christian Bale version of Batman. But everyone can do the Christian Bale version of Batman. Just get all gravel-y with it, and you’re good.
3) Well, the Mayan calender totally says this except for the minor fact that the Mayan calender totally doesn’t say this at all. A hackish writer actually just invented the whole 2012 end of the world thing in a book that he wrote in 1966. (Thereby presumably giving himself enough time to sell a few books before the world came to an end.)
More on these topics:
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BillyVanDahm says:
If the Mayans were so great at predicting the future why didn't they forsee the collapse of their trade routes?
Oliver Miller says:
Maybe they looked into the future, realized that the only thing they would be remembered for was being used as the pretext for a John Cusack movie, and abandoned their trade routes out of despair.
David C. says:
Good review. And you are very funny. NOT!
Oliver Miller says:
Dude, to really accurately judge my funniness level, you need to meet me in person so I can do my "shrimp guy" voice. "...SWEET AN' SOUR shrimp, Shrimp SUZETTE, Shrimp UNDER GLASS..." I can do it for hours. It's awesome.
RFWoodstock says:
There is hype and truth about 2012 even some doom and gloom. At Woodstock Universe we believe 2012 is the beginning not the end. What we envision now post-2012 to be, is what will manifest.
Check out 2012 info and listen to RADIO WOODSTOCK 69 which features only music from the original Woodstock era (1967-1971) and RADIO WOODSTOCK with music from the original Woodstock era to today’s artists who reflect the spirit of Woodstock. Watch Woodstock TV.
Vote in our 2012 poll on what will happen in 2012 at http://www.woodstockuniverse.com.
Peace, love, music, one world,
RFWoodstock
Sarah Smeth says:
Don't put down the Mayan calendar because you hate the movie. Your comments are great, but inaccurate as far as the study of the Maya goes. Saying they predict the end of the world is like saying we predict the end of the world every end of the century.
Dear BillyVanDahm: They predicted solar events perfectly, not other random future events. None of us have had good luck at that IE stock market.
Oliver Miller says:
Yeah, I actually say twice in the article that the Mayans didn't predict the end of the world. With links to scholarly articles also saying that.
The Mayan calender is pretty inaccurate, but hey, it's also incredibly old. And it's a better calender than I would have come up with. I wouldn't have even thought of dividing things up into "months." Or "weeks," even.
BillyVanDahm says:
Have people competely lost their sense of humor?
Jonathan Kiefer says:
'2012' poster copy is readymade for film critics: Read it sarcastically and your job is done!
We were warned
How will you survive?
Can you believe all this apocalyptic movie bullshit?
I swear I saw that last one on the side of a bus just this morning.
Mary England says:
2012 is not a hoax. The Maya couldn't predict the future but based the end of their long count calendar on ancient teachings that started in Sumeria/Babylonia. Roland Emmerich's 2012 movie trailer predicts pretty much what is happen. The Maya were not the only ones who knew about 2012 as most of the world did until the 1800s when the knowledge was lost. Washington DC was laid out to reflect 2012 as a reminder. Christ taught the knowledge. Monuments carved in stone were left all over the world to remind our generation of that date. Read my non-fiction 2012 trilogy, The Ark of Millions of Years, the most comprehensive 2012 books in the world that are based on scientific, historical, biblical, and Mayan facts. Available in bookstores and online bookstores. For the true facts, read and prepare for the time is short. I write under the pen of E. J. Clark, author.
Thanks.
Oliver Miller says:
Oh, Mary. You just wrote so many dumb things in a row! Congrats. I really would rather get comments calling me unfunny than really dumb comments, though. But let's break it down:
1) The Mayans based their calender on the Sumerians/Babylonians'? Nooooo. No, they didn't. Are you saying that the Mayans sailed across two oceans to hang out in ancient Sumeria? No; they didn't.
2) "Washington DC was laid out to reflect 2012 as a reminder"? No. No it wasn't. That is just so dumb and wrong that I'm not going to discuss it.
3) Everything else you wrote is likewise... also wrong.
But I did look you up on Google. Yup, you are indeed a self-published author, meaning that you spent thousands and thousands of dollars to get a scam-ish publishing house to print your books. Kudos, I guess. Oh, Mary, writing is like sex. You should never pay a publisher to "do it" with you. That's just dirty and wrong.
wolf says:
What kind of idiot would choose suicide over being killed by a 2,000 foot tall wave of cgi water, or horrific cgi meteor shower, or city-consuming cgi earthquake. Any of the above would be about 10,000 times sweeter than OD'ing on your dad's back pills. God, teenagers piss me off.
wolf says:
@Jonathan Kiefer - How much do you care to wager that the movie poster was made before the script was (a la Friday the 13th)?
AnotherStrayCat says:
That's it!? Two crazy people? Jeez. I guess everyone else is already holed up in their bunker already with their rubber sheets and 10000 cans of Campbell's chicken noodle.
I have to say "What we envision now post-2012 to be, is what will manifest." is just a wonderfully meaningless sentence.
Plus, Woodstock dude, if your station cuts off at 1971 that means y'all don't even play Exile on Main St. And do you know what that means? Well, I don't know what it means, but it's sad, so so sad.
Rebbetzin Donna says:
Thanks for the best laugh I've had in days! Your are really a great writer. I learned a lot too about Mayan culture, and calendars, and architecture, and whatever else you linked to, so altogether your review was quite worthwhile.
Rebbetzin Donna says:
Oh, and I forgot to mention that I never heard of this "2012" stuff either, so thank you for warning me. I love the end of the world. The y2K was my favorite so far, but this one that's coming should be a great way to watch people around act strange and write some pretty weird books again. Not to mention make some pretty dumb movies. Was there a movie about y2K? Lets put in a request. I wonder what kind of special effects that would have?
john amos says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZi--F_uqgQ
r4i software says:
Hi,
I just got back from seeing 2012 and I thought it was a very good movie. Its a perfect movie to see when you just want to get out the house and have a good time without expecting much. Its not meant to be some sort of realistic documentary.
j@b.com says:
R4i, no it isn't.
A movie stops being fun when halfway through you want to get out and google "2012 movie so dumb".
You see there are statisticsl averages of human intelligence. When a movie is made for a statistical IQ (low) of less than 50% you think it is a shame. In the movie a ticket on an arc costs $1bn, when the sellers know the world economy will have collapsed by the time they get out and 1bn dollars won't be worth shit. Now personally I work as a garbageman and stink of shit all day, and even I know this. What level of intelligence do they aim for with the target audience of 2010? Inbred white trash? Aww shucks it was a totally awesome movie!, A man running could easily outrun a volcanic ash cloud but the plane he got into had trouble at 100mph.
Hollywood, wake the hell up and hire some real generalists.
Celebrity Smile says:
its a good movie though
Cameron says:
STILL waiting to see this move :( heard it was good