From what I can tell, Cinemax’s sexy new show “Lingerie” will deal with sexalicious guys and girls who find themselves in sextacular situations.  But don’t take my word for it!  Let the borderline-illiterate Cinemax marketing team explain it for themselves.

First, here’s the press release:

LINGERIE is a sexy new series featuring an ensemble cast of beautiful people who design, photograph or model lingerie in New York City’s fashion industry. Most of the stories revolve around Lacey Summers, who left a successful modeling career to become a designer. Lacey lives in a large loft that doubles as her design studio. Her younger brother, Cody, [sic] also lives in the building but in a much smaller apartment with his wing man [sic] Russ. What Cody lacks in ambition he makes up with in charm [sic] and good looks. He’s constantly popping in and out of Lacey’s place helping himself to her food [sic] and occasionally to her models.

Only four grammatical errors in one paragraph?  Cinemax, you spoil us.  But really, “Lacey Summers”?  DOYOUGETITDOYOUGETIT?  Name pun.  Lame.  Already done better in the movie “Caddyshack,” with the now-classic “Lacey Underalls.”

Oh well.  And now, on to the stars of the show.  Actual Cinemax descriptions of their characters come first, followed by our Nonsense News^TM predictions of their dialogue:

Learn more about the characters from Lingerie, an original after-dark series from Cinemax:

Lacey — Played by Jennifer Korbin

Lacey spent some time walking the runway and appearing in magazine shoots, modeling lingerie. She decided to turn to her true passion, designing lingerie.

Nonsense News^TM predicted line of dialogue: “I’m a businesswoman.  And in this line of business — sex sells.”

Jason — Played by Michael Scratch

Tall, dark and handsome, he’s also a photographer and loves Lacey.

Predicted dialogue: “Come on, Lacey.  Are you really all work and no play?”

Vanessa — Played by Lana Tailor

Lacey’s new roommate. She moved in because Lacey is trying to save money for her lingerie showcase. Vanessa is openly bisexual.

Click, whirrr.  Bisexual dialogue matrix located: “Lacey, please will you take off your shirt so that you may have simulated girl-sex with me.”  Click.  ”To a lesser extent, you may have simulated sex with me as well, Jason.”  Transmission complete.

Cody — Played by Matthew Fitzgerald

Lacey’s younger yet protective brother, he lives in Lacey’s building and frequently stops by her apartment for a visit.

Predicted dialogue: “Lacey, what do you think Mom and Dad would say about this shit?!  That does it!  You’re sexily coming back to Iowa with me!”

Marilyn — Played by Denise Cobar

She writes weekly columns about any and everything that a woman in New York might find interesting in the world of fashion. Lacey’s good friend.

Predicted dialogue: “Whatta scoop!  Sex Sells!  Underwear is Fun to Wear!  Cinemax is Sexy… Max.  Cut it, print it, post it, I’m done!”

Russ — Played by Jonathan Steen

Smart, and charismatic, shares an apartment with Cody. He works as a bartender at Ducan’s.

Predicted dialogue: “Beneath my bangs lies charisma…  and intrigue.”

Stephanie — Played by Erin Brown

Lacey’s outgoing, perky and cute assistant is quick to remind Lacey that there aren’t any good men left in Manhattan.

Predicted dialogue: “Lacey!  There just aren’t any good guys left in Manhattan to have simulated sex with! Are you listening to me?! …Lacey?”

Fan-TASTIC.  But wait.  Does the show have a vocoder-ized theme song with a title sequence straight out of Windows Movie Maker?  Because if it does I am, like, so there.

…Sex Sells!  Sold!

Photos by Cinemax

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