One: The Pro Bowl will continue to stand out like the Super Bowl’s ugly, 350-lbs, Hannah-Montana-obsessed little sister. Goodell likes the bastardized version of the Pro Bowl (34 players out? No leis? WTF?), and it’ll continue to be played in the Super Bowl city a week before the championship match. Apparently, nobody forced Goodell to watch this awful “all-star” game. Both defenses played like 6th graders terrified of being called gay if they tackled another dude. Seriously. DeSean Jackson’s long touchdown made me nauseous-nobody even tried to bring him down.
Two: Matt Leinert will be the latest QB to revitalize his career-relatively speaking. Are 3,300 yards and 18 touchdowns resurgence? In today’s high-flying NFL, not really, but I think Leinert will squeak the Cardinals into the playoffs atop the NFC West with a 9-7 or 10-6 record, as they become more of a running team. And that’ll be enough to earn him a generous, renegotiated contract before his bonuses hit in 2011.
Three: Injuries CB Jerraud Powers and DE Dwight Freeney will hurt the Colts. Against the Saints, your third CB (Powers) counts as a starter; your best pass-rusher (Freeney) counts as four starters. Neither will be anywhere close to full strength, which, when it comes to lowering stress levels, counts as four blow jobs and a Xanax for the Saints QB (Drew Brees).
Four: Pete Carroll will leave Seattle in three years with a 24-24 record. It’s excruciatingly predictable-kind of like how, inevitably, there’ll be two or three fat coaches that have heart attacks in 2011 or 2012, and then the health epidemic of coaches will become a big storyline, and we’ll see way too much old footage of Herm Edwards working out, and then, suddenly, Marvin Harrison will shoot someone again and no one will care.
Five: Jeremy Shockey’s health will play a huge role in Sunday’s game. Shockey played on one leg against the Cards and Vikes-his guts were impressive, but after two weeks off, can he make an actual difference on the field? The Saints offense has an extra dimension or three when Shockey’s attacking the seams. This is a huge factor.
Six: The badass Reggie Bush will show up. He’s been running the ball with actual power to go along with his blazing speed and scandalishious moves, and I think he makes his case to stay in New Orleans on Sunday.
Seven: If the Saints win, their fans deserve the credit. I love watching the Saints play at home-no fan base forces doses of high-strung energy down their team’s throat the way they do. That crowd seemed to will them to victory against the Vikings, even though they were outplayed terribly. So though Payton and Breesus will become Gods with a victory, I’ll give credit to Who Dat Nation, which outnumbers Colts fans 4:1 right now in Miami.
Eight: if the Colts win, Peyton Manning deserves the credit. If he racks up another comeback win, Goodell better get a bronze replica of his balls up in Canton ASAP.
Nine: This game will turn on the leg of Matt Stover. He’ll have a chance to win this game at some point-either to put the Colts up by ten early in the 4th quarter or up by 3 late. Maybe both. Chances are he makes it, but who knows?
Ten: Soak up every moment of the Super Bowl like it’s a psychedelic Jacuzzi of LSD, Vodka and orange juice. I know I will, because I’ll need to get incredibly f*cked up to get over the end of football season.
