Everyone loves mid-season awards. I did mine this week, too. But then I thought—what about those awful bastards who get no formal recognition? The weak deserve a trophy too. So before we get to the picks, here they are: the bizarre mid-season awards.
(Note: Hadley’s detained by Ms. Hadley’s mom this weekend, so her picks are at the end of the article)
LVP: JaMarcus Russell, QB Raiders
The Raiders would be 4-4 or 5-3 if Jeff Garcia was quarterback. JaMarcus, you’re not a wall-street exec or General Manager of the Browns—you actually have to work for a living at quarterback, which means watching at least thirty hours of film a week. The upside is, you get paid two million dollars to spend fifteen minutes shooting a commercial where you stare at a TV in Sears.
Literally Offensive Player of the Year: Derek Anderson, QB Browns
Derek, watching you play makes me want to try to like soccer again. Thirty-five is a reasonable speed limit, not a reasonable quarterback rating. Thank god the Browns are done screwing Brady Quinn over for his bonus money and you’ll return to the bench. Quinn might have steroid-pumped biceps that deprive him of any throwing accuracy, but hell, at least he’s not you.
Literally Defensive Player of the Year: Ben Roethlisberger, QB Steelers
Big Ben, you went after that waitress who sued you for assault like the chubby, rich asshole frat boy you were born to be. We haven’t seen defensive moves like that since O.J. Not only that, but you have the most defensive fan base behind you—Steeler Nation. If you killed a kitten, Steeler Nation would insist that that kitten was systematically placed by Chad Ochocinco to attack your throwing hand. Your defense is so good, no one ever mentions that you’re 45 lbs overweight. Bravo.
Rookie Bust of the Year: Derrius Heyward-Bey, WR Raiders
Derrius, It’s not your fault the Raiders took you, and it’s not your fault JaMarcus Russell thinks that bounce passes are legal, but man—you’ve started eight games and have five catches! That’s like the first quarter for Wes Welker! Embarrassing, dude.
Falldown Player of the Year: Larry Johnson, Free Agent RB
From Rushing King to unemployed homophobe in three years flat. Rumor has it, Fox News is planning to use you in an expose on the collateral damage of the failed economy and the moral degradation resulting from President Obama’s failed stimulus plan. Ironically, you’ll be paid with hand jobs from Glenn Beck, but don’t worry, just ask any Bush—Beck has really soft hands.
Worst Coach of the Year: Eric Mangini, Jets
Eric, at least Jim Zorn accepted his neutering with stoic dignity; to save your job, you’ve thrown one of his best friends, George Kokinis, under the bus. Eric, your only win was against the Bills thanks to a botched punt return. None of your players like you, they openly bitch about you to the media, and you look like a the gaseous freshman boy you don’t want to be roommates with.
49ERS (-3) over Bears
The Bears season is swiftly collapsing—I want to blame Jay Cutler, since he’s a d-bag and is on pace for a 24-interception season, but it’s not Cutler’s fault that he doesn’t have an offensive line or defense.
When Bears GM Jerry Angelo decided to mortgage the Bears’ future on Cutler, he should have realized there wasn’t a team to build around. But Angelo needed a quick fix to save his job. It didn’t work.
I feel bad for the Bears next GM. They’ll be coming off a 6-10 season and have more holes than Russel Crowe’s stomach lining but no first-round pick.
Your 2009 Chicago Bears: secretly the most f*cked team in the NFL!
JETS (-6.5) over Jaguars
Mercifully, it’s supposed to be 63 and sunny in the Jersey swamps on Sunday, so we won’t have to see the Sanchize shivering under center like an anorexic, vodka-dehydrated sorority girl.
Instead, Sanchez will play efficiently, and the Jets league-leading ground game will demolish the Jags 22nd ranked rush defense.
If the weather holds up, this game has “six-point teaser” written all over it.
Broncos (-3.5) over REDSKINS
Are we really this down on the Broncos? Only 3.5 point favorites over a fast-sinking Redskins team that starts a poor-man’s Sage Rosenfels at Quarterback and is led by an emasculated head coach who’s two losses away from openly crying on the sideline?
Yeah, teams have figured out you can stop the Broncos by clogging the short passing lanes, daring Orton to beat them deep, and hitting cutback runs against Denver’s over-aggressive defensive line. The Steelers and Ravens are good enough to make them pay. The Redskins? They make less people pay than the food bank.
Bengals (+7) over STEELERS (Upset Special)
The Bengals are like a bizarre teen movie star: they’ve overcome their evil popular-kid tormenters, won the homecoming game, bagged both the secretly hot artsy girl and the obviously hot cheerleader, seduced the valedictorian and stole her title by acing the final exam…but still, no one votes them Homecoming King. What gives?
They’ve beaten the Steelers, the Ravens twice, and the Packers. They’re a bizarre Brandon Stokley catch away from being 7-1. Look up underrated in the dictionary, and there’s a picture of Marvin Lewis and Carson Palmer paying ass-grab (really. I used to work for Webster and snuck that one in there. Got me fired, and now I work here for free. Life’s a bitch.).
TITANS (-7) over Bills (Lock of the Week)
Last week, the Titans faced 4th and inches on the 49ers 3 with six minutes left down 20-17. Kick the field goal? Hell no, they went for it.
Chris Johnson made a ridiculous play racing to the corner, stoping millimeters from the sideline and darting sideways into the end zone. That sold me on the Titans as 2009’s “Unstoppable We’ve Got Nothing to Lose” team that goes 7-1 ATS down the stretch. They’re energized. Vince is playing well. Chris Johnson’s a super-alien. I’m pumped.
VIKINGS (-16.5) over Lions
The Vikings play the next three games at home against the Lions, Seahawks and Bears. Oh my. That stretch is easier than Terry Bradshaw in a highway rest stop bathroom.
After the Lions blew a 17-0 lead to lose 32-20 to the Seahawks, I’m moving them back into the “epically bad” category. That game was like watching your delinquent friend finally get a job and then celebrate by drinking a bottle of gin and pissing on his boss’s door. You just know there’s no hope.
RAMS (+14) over Saints
Solely because no one in their right mind is taking the Rams here, and Vegas knows something. What do they know? Steven Jackson will keep this one close. Steve Spagnolo will figure something out to confuse Drees. This is going to be a 19-13 game in the 4th quarter, and will elicit a universal “WTF?!” reaction when that score comes across the scroll.
PANTHERS (+1.5) over Falcons
You have to imagine the big “Key to Winning!” the Panthers have up in their meeting room is “Only let Jake throw the Ball 10 times!” But it’s okay—their rushing attack is sick.
I don’t buy the Falcons—especially on the road, where they’re 1-3. Mike Smith twitches on the sideline like he has crabs every time they leave the Georgia Dome. Their defense is suspect, and the Panthers are playing good, aggressive football.
Plus, we have to set up week 11:
Giants vs. Falcons in a playoff-deciding matchup on Fox! We have no idea if any of these teams are any good!
DOLPHINS (-10) over Buccaneers
Like a Wildcat battling a malnourished, rum-drunk Buccaneer. Quite literally.
Chiefs (+2) over RAIDERS
When I watch the Raiders, I can’t help but imagine Jeff Garcia sitting at home in a white tuxedo, drinking several tall glasses of scotch and laughing maniacally.
(P.S: The Chiefs are a great bet here. They doubled the Raiders in yards the first time they met, though they lost. Their comeback vs the Jags last week showed some spunk. Plus, you get to bet against JaMarcus Russell).
CARDINALS (-8.5) over Seahawks
The Seahawks wins have come against the Jaguars, Rams and Lions, who are collectively just good enough to beat your local Powder Puff football team. They’ve only lost one game—versus the Bears at home—by less than a touchdown. Their only hope is that Kurt Warner starts going through menopause mid-game.
CHARGERS (-2.5) over Eagles
The Eagles…on the West Coast…without their 3rd and 4th cornerbacks out…against Phillip Rivers…no thank you.
Personally, I’m excited for the Andy Reid vs Norv Turner matchup. This could be the first time in NFL history that both teams enter the 4th quarter with no timeouts. Get ready for Norv, up 30-27, throwing a 3rd down incomplete pass when he could run the clock out, followed by the Eagles storming back, getting to the Chargers 25 and calling a run play up the middle with ten seconds left to set up the field goal even though they have no timeouts, and the clock running out while Mcnabb looks around vacantly. Norv vs. Reid is must-see TV.
Cowboys (-3) over PACKERS
If DeMarcus Ware sent condolence flowers to Aaron Rodger’s family before the game, would it be dreadfully tacky or secretly thoughtful? Talk amongst yourselves.
Patriots (+3) over COLTS
I hate betting against Peyton Manning on Sunday Night. He’s deadly. But the Colts look tired and they’re beat up in the secondary. They really should have lost to the Texans. I’m not sure if they can really handle the Pats passing attack.
In the long run, I think the Colts are the better team. But right now, the Pats look ready to pull this one out.
Ravens (-11) over BROWNS
I can’t resist an angry, humiliated Ravens team. They’re my crack. If I could grind up highlights of Ray Lewis and Ray Rice and snort it, I would in a second.
On another note, who the hell picks these Monday Night games for ESPN. Really? You thought the Browns would be good? Is Kenny Maine going around and spiking everyone’s coffee with acid again?
Hadley’s Picks
49ers -3, Jets -6.5, Redskins +3.5, Bengals +7, Bills +7, Vikings -16.5, Saints -14, Falcons -1.5, Dolphins -10, Chiefs +2, Eagles +2.5, Cardinals -8.5 Packers +3, Patriots +3, Ravens -11
Last Week
Joe: 6-7
Hadley: 6-7
Season
Joe: 67-60-1
Hadley: 72-55-1
