“I have nobly refrained from quoting Ms. Fisher’s copious array of one-liners,” Ben Brantley wrote in his rave review of “Wishful Thinking,” Carrie Fisher’s one-woman show and memoir of her life as the daughter of Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds; star of “Star Wars”; wife, ex-wife and then lover of Paul Simon; Princess Leia sex doll and Pez dispenser; drug user; manic-depressive and very funny lady. “Yes, many are hilarious even out of context,” Brantley continued, “but you need to hear them from her.”

Being far less noble, I present some of the best lines in “Wishful Drinking” (though it is true that they lose something by taking them out of context):

“Resentment is like drinking a poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

“Saying you’re an alcoholic AND an addict is like saying you’re from Manhattan AND New York.”

“Instant gratification takes too long”

On how her father Eddie Fisher left her mother Debbie Reynolds for Elizabeth Taylor: “Mike Todd [Elizabeth Taylor’s husband] took off in a private plane in a rainstorm and the following morning Elizabeth was a widow. Well, naturally, my father flew to Elizabeth’s side – gradually making his way slowly to her front. He dried her eyes with his handkerchief, he consoled her with flowers, and ultimately he consoled her with his penis.”

On her childhood: “I’d been singing in my mother’s nightclub act since I was about thirteen. Like most teenagers. I continued to perform with her until I was seventeen. And the last place we played together was at the London Palladium, and I’d gotten good reviews. This choreographer approached me and asked me if I wanted to do my own nightclub act. I thought, maybe, you know, I could end up being financially independent… and Liza Minnelli. But you know, you take the good with the bad.”

On Star Wars: “Forty-three years ago, George Lucas ruined my life — and I mean that in the nicest possible way…
“His only two directions to the three of us for the first film were ‘faster’ and ‘more intense.’
“And then, he gave me this idiotic hairstyle. And I’m brought before him like some sacrificial asshole, and he says in his little voice, ‘Well, what do you think of it?’ And I say, because I’m terrified I’m going to be fired for being too fat, I say, ‘I love it.’ Yeah, and the check’s in the mail and one size fits all and I’ll only put it in a little bit!
“George Lucas is the man who made me into a little doll! A little doll my first husband could stick pins into whenever he was annoyed with me.
“And then I was a shampoo, where you could twist my head off and pour liquid out of my neck.
“And there I was a soap, a soap which read “Lather up with Leia and you’ll feel like a Princess yourself.” Boys!
“And then, the nice people at Burger King made me into a watch, which was lovely of them. And I’m a bobble head … But the main thing that I have been made into that has enhanced my life, just enormously, I’m a PEZ dispenser. …my daughter loves it, because they like to humiliate their parents, so she can just flip my head back and pull a wafer out of my neck.

On dating Paul Simon after divorcing him:
“Samuel Johnson once said that remarrying… is a ‘triumph of hope over experience.’ So remarrying the same person, I think, is a triumph of nostalgia over judgment…
“He wrote another song about me called ‘Allergies,’ and the lyric in that was, ‘My heart is allergic to the woman I love and it’s changing the shape of my face.’ Is that flattering? I don’t think it is.”

On her drug problem: “You know how they say that religion is the opiate of the masses? Well, I took masses of opiates religiously.”

What her mother said to her on Carrie’s second husband leaving her for another man:
“You know, dear, we’ve had all sorts of men in our family – we’ve had horse thieves, alcoholics, a one-man band — but this is our first homosexual!”

On being mentally ill: “You know most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize like fever, upset stomach, chills, whatever. Well with manic depression it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse – that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me…
“When I got told I was manic-depressive, there was a whole new list waiting for me [of “famous and accomplished folks” who struggled with the same thing] There was Abraham Lincoln, - who wrote the Gettysburg address in 4 hours- now that’s manic, Winston Churchill, who called his depressed mood the black dog, Korea, Kristy McNichol and Sir Isaac Newton, who I thought would have made an adorable couple! Mark Twain, St. Francis, St. Theresa, Jonathan Winters, poor Britney Spears, and George W. Bush. Well naturally after this list I felt invigorated – but that is part of my diagnosis.”

“My better self would never do a show like this. I’d be on Fox News right now defending Obama.”

Top two photographs by Joan Marcus. Collage of Princess Leia merchandise taken from shopping Web sites.

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