Jonathan Papelbon may have one of the best arms in baseball. His brain? Not so much.

In a recent interview with ESPN.com’s Gordon Edes, the Boston Red Sox closer showed why he’s “not a Rhodes Scholar,” as GM Theo Epstein once infamously said about him.

Papelbon showed a rather stunning lack of knowledge about his team’s offseason moves, claiming not to be aware of anything about what was happening with his team during the offseason:

“I had no idea we got [John] Lackey until [trainer Mike] Reinold came down to see me, just a few days ago,” he said. “I swear to you. I don’t know anything about the ballclub, but I know the words to the ‘Mickey Mouse Clubhouse’ song.”

Adrian Beltre deal? He hadn’t heard. Casey Kotchman about to be traded to the Mariners? Nope. Mike Cameron? “Cameron, Mike Cameron?” he said. “We got him? I swear to you, I didn’t know.”

It’s hard to believe that even the player known as Cinco Ocho (or as I like to call him, Cinco Dopo), could be that dumb, or that clueless with what is going on in his team.  It’s not like the Lackey and Cameron signings were exactly under the radar, after all.

But then again, we’re talking about a guy who once admitted that he would consider joining the arch-rival Yankees one day.  He also griped about having to walk on Fenway Park’s steps during an Opening Day ceremony, and also acknowledged he preferred going to a Playboy party at the All-Star Game over meeting the president. Forget him not being a Rhodes Scholar; I got my doubts as to whether he made it past kindergarten!

However, there is the possibility the closer’s lack of knowledge about his team is a ploy. Edes wonders if Papelbon is spinning a yarn akin to when he claimed “his dog ate the ball with which the Red Sox clinched the 2007 World Series.”

But Paps insists that his shocking ignorance is all real. He also pointed out the Boston deals that he did know about:

“I heard about [Marco] Scutaro because my mother-in-law told me, and I know about [Jason] Bay because Maholm knew him on the Pirates and told me,” he said. “And I know about [Mike] Lowell because we have the same agent.”

So if Papelbon knew Bay was gone, who did he think was playing left field for Boston in 2010 - Manny Ramirez?

You would think, given that Papelbon may be heading towards a contentious arbitration hearing with the Sox, that he would try to pay a little attention to what is going on with his team, if for no other reason than to know how much money Boston had spent so far this winter. But then again, this is a guy who bragged to the interviewer about how his future son will be named Gunner Roberts because it’s “a badass name.” What, Rambo was taken?

This is also a guy who told Edes about how he “ix-nayed” the Red Sox’s two-year, $14.75 million offer last season, in favor of agreeing to a one-year, $6.25 million deal. Yes, that’s right - he ended up getting less money. While Papelbon may know pig Latin, math isn’t exactly his strong suit.

Granted, he has the chance at making more in salary arbitration this season, but there’s also the chance Papelbon could lose his case, and end up with less money than the initial Sox offer.

But hey, Papelbon is just doing such salary machinations to help other closers, or so he claims:

…I want to do things for my fellow closers, just like Mo [Mariano Rivera] paved the way for me. I want every closer out there, man, to get every penny they deserve.”

Hmmmm. He claims that he doesn’t even know what’s going on with his own team, but he’s going to go all Norma Rae to help the rest of MLB’s closers? That’s about as believable as that yarn he spun about the dog eating the World Series ball.

Photo by Rubenstein

Email