Dumping salaries, weirdly, is the biggest aspect of this free agency. No cap means no strings attached, and no reservations about dumping a previous year’s mistake. It’s primarily about teams financially cleansing themselves in case the cap comes back in the new CBA, and also trimming the fat and hording away cash in case of a lockout. Why would any owners want to spend money? The unrestricted free agents are less attractive than the girls in Britain.

Still, there have been good moves, and there have been bad moves. So lets satisfy our universal need for hasty, polarizing judgment and determine the winners and losers of the past five days.

Winners

One: Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, Bears. Listen, the pricy signing of DE Julius Peppers, RB Chester Taylor and and TE Brandon Manumaleuna reeks of desperation. But it’s a brilliant gamble by Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, because they need to make the playoffs to keep their jobs, and they don’t have any picks on the first two nights of the draft. So, they needed the talent to jump to ten wins somehow, and although I kind of doubt Peppers will record double digit sacks or that Taylor will beat out Matt Forte for the starting job, these signings certainly won’t hurt their chances of staying employed.

Two: Miami Dolphins and LB Carlos Dansby. Anyone who saw Dansby’s flailing in coverage versus Green Bay and New Orleans knows he’s not a true three-down linebacker, and he got three-down linebacker money. But he’s a hard-nosed player that fits this football team, and Tony Sporano won’t leave him to play in space all day. The Dolphins need to be able to run the ball and stop the run-they couldn’t do the latter so well last year. Dansby will make a big difference.

Three: New York Giants. Yes, they overpaid for S Antrelle Rolle, but no Giants fans are complaining. C.C. Brown and Michael Johnson played last year like Jerry Jones was blackmailing them with photographs from some weird, Dallas nightclub circle jerk. They had less range than Hugh Grant. As a Giants fan, they made me want to do horrible, horrible things. Rolle is very athletic. He can cover a lot of space. And if Kenny Phillips recovers from his knee injury, the Giants will have one of the more talented safety combos in the league.

Four: Baltimore Ravens and WR Anquan Boldin. Best acquisition through a trade I’ve seen in years. Boldin for a third and a swap of a 4^th for a 5^th? Awesome. Flacco loves throwing short hitches, slants and outs-those are Boldin’s best routes. He’s a vicious run blocker. He’s a badass mofo who likes to get physical, and he really fits this offense. I’ll declare it: there’s a new favorite in the AFC North.

Five: Detroit Lions. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I love the lions off-season so far. DT Corey Williams was a dominant player just two years ago in Green Bay, and they got him for a 5^th rounder. Falcons CB Chris Houston is a great gamble, especially for just a 6^th round pick. DE Kyle Vanden Bosch is a great worker and a solid, run stopping end, and Nate Burleson is a nice flyer. The Lions may be on the road to four or even five wins! Somebody get the champagne…or at least the moonshine.

Losers

One: Bears Owner Virginia Halas. In nine months, she’ll probably realize she just paid 60 million extra dollars to go from a 7-9 to 8-8 record.

Two: Jacksonville Jaguars. I don’t know how I feel about a near-bankrupt team spending seven million a year on a 30-year old defensive end with a freshly torn ACL. Yes, ACL recoveries have been solid lately, but it takes two years to get back. By the time Kampman is fully recovered, he’ll be going on 32, and will the team even be in Jacksonville anymore?

Three: Redskins fans. The good news? Your team is finally building through the draft. The bad news? That’ll take 3-4 years. And now you’ve been deprived of your annual free agency rampage, and all of the wonderful fantasies that come with it. The Albert Haynesworth signings got those hogettes hard. Imagining another year of Jason Campbell having panic attacks behind a very, very offensive line? Not so much.

Four: Ryan Clark, S Steelers. Clark was exposed as a mediocre player when Polamalu went down last season. He works well in that system next to the Cher-haired star, and he got a pretty nice contract, all things considered.

Five: Atlanta Falcons. I think trading Chris Houston was the wrong move, but the signing of CB Dunta Robinson more than made up for it. The Falcons secondary is their biggest weakness, and you’ve got to grab a young, talented CB when the opportunity arises.

The Biggest Loser: Pittsburgh Steelers. I don’t buy Big Ben’s innocence. Why would a college student seek out Ben to slap another sexual assault charge on him? It doesn’t make sense. I have a feeling this is going to get messy, and the Steelers might be without their star QB for a large portion of last weekend. That’d be a blow that they definitely could not absorb.

Football season has been over for a week and a half, and the hole in my life bigger than the hole in Drew Brees’ liver after ten days of post-Super Bowl inebriation. I know you feel the same way. So let’s get this thing started in a free-flow format—just think of me as Peter King’s alcoholic nephew.

Five Things I Think I Thought While Staring at the Yellowish Lime in My Two Dollar Happy Hour Gin and Tonic

One: Good for the Saints for partying their asses off for the past week and a half. I love it. Love it. Teams should go Spring Break buck wild after winning the Super Bowl. After the Giants won in ’07, I would’ve loved nothing more than to see David Tyree hosing down NYU girls in a wet t-shirt concert in the middle of Times Square, and for Eli Manning to be perched on a platform in Grand Central, performing drunken karaoke for swarms of delirious commuters.

Instead, we had one sober parade, Tom Coughlin allowed himself exactly two fist pumps, and then they proceeded to prepare psychotically for a repeat run that would inevitably be ruined because Plaxico Burress’ sweat pants were too baggy. The point being: championships are rare. Things get messed up. Two weeks of partying won’t kill a team, and the Saints are doing this right.

Two: The Rams are going to overpay for Vick. Here’s the situation: the Rams love Vick. Everyone else is luke warm. The Eagles have no leverage, so they created some by threatening to hold onto Vick until the pre-season. The Rams don’t want to wait until August to create their run-heavy Vick offense, and they want a reason to release the broken assemblage of body parts formerly known as Marc Bulger. Look for the Rams to give up a 3^rd and 5^th round pick to the Eagles soon. And look for me to desperately try to reason my way out of the Giants inevitable 3^rd-place finish next year.

Three: Suh and McCoy are going 1-2 in the draft. Listen, I’m not Mel Kiper. I don’t have the time to sit in a film room all day, masturbating with my LA Looks hair gel. But every NFL scout seems to agree that Suh and McCoy are the best two players in the draft, and impact defensive tackles that can rush the passer are becoming more and more valuable, since pass-happy offenses becoming harder to keep more than six or seven guys in the box.

The Rams and Lions could both use them, and Spags and Schwartz are both defensive coaches. And physically dominant DTs get defensive coaches all hot and bothered. That was a big problem on my high school football team…Poor Jimmy. He never was the same after that “shower meeting.”

Four: The Panthers are going to stick with Matt Moore at QB, and they’ll be happy about it. It’s easy to hate on Matt Moore—he looks like he’s about fourteen, it took him several years to beat out Jake Delhomme, and his name makes him sound like the guy from Human Resources who you dread getting caught next to at the urinal. But man—a 99 QB rating, 8 TDs, 2 Picks, 7.6 YPA in five starts? That’s pretty badass. Imagine if JaMarcuss Russell put up those stats—everyone would be calling Al Davis the most brilliant zombie corpse in California.

I don’t think it’s incredibly unlikely that Moore puts up a 25 TD, 10 INT season next year. He’s probably the only thing that can possibly stop Steve Smith from murdering the entire Panthers offensive coaching staff. God’s speed, Matty.

Five: If there’s no football in 2011, I might have a mental breakdown. In this week’s MMQB, Peter King reiterated that he strongly believes there will be no football in 2011. His reasoning was the most depressing thing I’ve read since “Plaxico Burress Shooting” popped up on ProFootballTalk.

I’m pretty much unwilling to process what King wrote though. I don’t know how he did—does he love lattes so much that the prospect of no football in 2011 doesn’t crush his soul? I’m mad at Petey—he should have lied to us. I only want to hear one thing: “Football makes too much money—there’s no way they’ll mess that up.” I chant this to myself as I go to sleep.

I just signed an agreement with Teach for America that runs through 2012, but honestly, if there’s no football in 2011, I may run off to Southeast Asia and eat mushrooms on the beach for a year. If there’s no football in my life, then I don’t want any sense of reality.

Chances of Winning: 30% (70% vs. Jets x 60% vs Chargers x 60% vs. NFC opponent). Odds increase to 30-35% if Jets upset Chargers.

Reason Why They’ll Win It All: Peyton. They’ll play games close, but if my life literally depended on a Colts win in the final two minutes,

Reason Why They Won’t: Run D and reliance on late-game heroics.

2.(13-3) vs. Cardinals

Odds: 18% (66% vs Cardinals, 57% vs Vikings/Cowboys, 43% vs AFC opponent) Odds increase if non Chargers/Colts AFC team makes SB.

Why They’ll Win: New Orleans’ savior, Breesus, and turnovers. Have the Saints struggled? Yeah. But they’ve had a while to fix it, and when their offense and defense are full strength, they’re more vicious than Michael Vick’s chihuahas. Plus, the Super Dome in the playoffs can swing games 6-8 points.

Why They Won’t: They might be fading. Recent years have warned us to beware struggling top seeds stumbling into the playoffs. Historically this doesn’t hold up. But times might be changing, and if the Bucs can succeed in the Dome, why not the Cards or Boys?

3.  (13-3) vs. Jets

Odds to win: 18% (75% vs Jets x 40% vs Colts x 55% vs NFC Opponent)

Reason why they’ll win: Their pass offense. It’s the most explosive in the league, and they won’t ever have to play in poor weather. They’ve won eleven straight games. Philip Rivers is an asshole, but a damn talented asshole.

Reason they won’t: They can’t run the ball or stop the run very well. Ten years ago, this kills you. Now, it’s a passing league. But if Rivers has an off-game, they can’t win.

4. (12-5) vs. Vikings

Odds: 10% (53% vs Vikings x 43% vs Saints x 40% vs AFC Opponent) Odds increase if Chargers/Colts don’t make SB

Why They’ll Make It: 75-14. That’s the score of their last three games. And before that, they beat the Saints in the Dome. Their running game and defense are playing out of their minds–if anyone can pressure Favre, Breesus, and Rivers/Manning into losses, it’s the Ware/Ratliff/Spencer terrible trio.

Why They Won’t: Road playoff games are tough. They just are. Everyone’s down on the Vikings and Saints, but any team in the NFL would struggle to win in those two noisy domes in consecutive weeks.

5. (12-4) vs. Cowboys

Odds to win: 9% (47% vs. Cowboys, 43% vs Saints, 40% vs AFC Opponent) Odds increase if non Colts/Chargers team wins AFC.

Why They’ll Win: They were the NFL’s most consistently dominant team through week 11. If AP is running hard, Favre is carving up the seams on play-action, and Jared Allen is hounding opposing QBs, they’re damn hard to beat.

Why They Won’t: They’ve had one impressive win (vs Bengals) since November. They miss E.J. Henderson terribly in the middle, and Antoine Winfield on one leg cripples their secondary. Plus, all the Favre-Chilly drama has been a huge distraction.

6. (11-6) at Saints

Odds to win: 7% (34% vs. Saints, 40% vs Cowboys/Vikings x 37% vs AFC Opponent)

Why They’ll Win: Kurt Warner. He has a 105 career QB rating. The only reason he doesn’t have two more SB rings is because he left Tom Brady and Big Ben too much time for their comebacks. When he’s hot, the Cards can win any game–even if they need to score 51 points to do it.

Why They Won’t: Everyone else. A decent throw from Rodgers to Jennings on the first play of overtime would have sent the Cards packing. You still need to win other ways in the NFL.

7. (11-6) at Colts

Odds to win: 6% (30% at Colts x 40% at Chargers x 43% vs NFC Opponent)

Why They’ll Win: All the old reasons. Defense. Running game. Head coach. Ray Lewis’s death wish for opposing QBs.

Why They Won’t: Flacco and their Pass D. Can a gimpy Joe Flacco fend off Manning or Rivers? Can their Pass D actually cover anyone if their rush is slowed? There are so many question marks here, it looks like a text from my little cousin.

8. (10-7) at Chargers

Odds to win: 3% (25% vs. Chargers x 25% vs Colts x 30% vs AFC Opponent)

Why They’ll Win: Revis. How will Rivers and Manning feel about playing without Vincent Jackson and Reggie Wayne? Because Revis will take them away completely. And how about that run game? The Bengals put 9 in the box, and it only led to big plays.

Why They Won’t: The Sanchize. If they fall behind by 7 or more, the game is all but over.

You can play along, too. Go to The Faster Times on Twitter, and follow us, and tweet your Predicted Super Bowl score and matchup @thefastertimes. If you win, you get an NFL Jersey of your choice, plus an article, by me, devoted to you, on anything you please. For Real.

Joe

Mason

Dr. Juan

Hadley

Click here. Follow The Faster Times on Twitter (I run the Twitter, so you’ll get all of my snarky insights). Then send me your predictions for the winner of every playoff game through the Super Bowl, and include the score of the Super Bowl. Winner gets a column by me devoted to anything they want (their fantasy football league, their girlfriend’s ass, their buddy’s third nipple, the future of the Chiefs…whatever), plus, a piece of their favorite team’s merchandise autographed by the Faster Football Team. Go. Now. I’m waiting.

Ranking-Team (LW) Record: Judgment

1.(1) 14-2: The Colts limp into the playoffs after winning only 23 out of their last 25 regular season games.-Mason

2.(2) 13-3: Once again the Chargers are heading into the playoffs on a roll. Norv Turner has to be wondering, “What could possibly go wrong this time?”

3.(3) 13-3: Every Saints fan is looking at their team’s disastrous collapse and wondering, “Where the %#&@*! is Anderson Cooper now?”-Dr. Juan

4.(5) 11-5: I still can’t bring myself to trust them completely, but the word on the street is that after the Eagles win, Wade Phillips has finally finished unpacking the last of his personal effects and put them up in his office.

5.(8) 12-4: Vikings – Fran Tarkenton Suicide Watch: Tark is currently standing on a wooden crate with a noose attached to a ceiling fan. If Favre wins the MVP, he’ll have his cat  kick it loose.-Mason

6.(7) 11-5:Aaron Rodgers is looking like he will be dominating the NFC North for years to come, assuming Brett Favre eventually dies or something. -Mason

7.(6) 10-6: Matt Leinart is excited. If the Cards make it to the Super Bowl this year, there’ll be a lot more super-hot drunk chicks to party with in Miami than there were in Tampa.-Dr. Juan

8.(4) 11-5: I’m pretty sure Jerry Jones spiked Donavon Mcnabb’s gatorade with quailudes. Donavon can take a joke–Eagles fans drug his food all the time–but watch out. He never falls for it twice.-Joe

9.(10) 10-6: The Patriots officially smell like that expired carton of milk that somehow just never gets thrown away.-Mason

10.(11) 9-7: Is it too early to sign T.O. for a playoff run? I mean his season is already over, isn’t it?-Dr. Juan

11.(9) 10-6: They have less weapons than Yemen.-Joe

12.(14) 9-7: Maybe they won cheap victories when Colts and the Bengals when they were resting their players. Are they lucky or good? Doesn’t matter. The playoff checks cash just as easily either way.-Dr. Juan

13.(12) 9-7: Let’s see what Tomlin’s future holds with fewer and fewer of Cowher’s players each year.-Dr. Juan

14.(13) 8-8: So, Vince Young was 8-2 as a starter this year. When is Jeff Fisher going to wear his jersey in public?-Dr. Juan

15.(16) 8-8: Now that the season is over and they have to look to next year, is there any way the Panthers can sue Jake Delhomme for fraud?

16.(17) 9-7: After finishing 9-7, it will be easier than usual for Houstonians to maintain a “wait until next year” erection for Gary Kubiak’s squad.-Mason

17.(18) 7-9:The only smiles last weekend were at Don Shula’s 80^th birthday party. And that’s only because it’s funny to watch an 80 year old guy get a lap dance from an out of work circus clown in a foam rubber dolphin suit.

18.(21) 8-8: Singletary can at least take comfort in the fact that he has Patrick Willis playing linebacker like him. Now, if he can teach him that Marty Feldman bulging eye thing, too, that would be awesome.-Dr. Juan

19.(15) 8-8: Jabar Gaffney did a great Brandon Marshall impression Sunday with 14 catches for 213 yards. He even topped it off by taking Marshall’s customary dump in the backseat of McDaniel’s Porsche after the game.-Joe

20.(20) 9-7: Now that they’ve secured back-to-back winning seasons, they should trade Michael Turner’s overworked corpse for a 2nd round pick before it’s too late.-Joe

21.(19) 8-8: Giants Owner John Mara Jr. said that this felt more like a 2-14 season. Really? Because for me, it felt like getting double-teamed farted on for eleven weeks by Wade Phillips and Andy Reid.-Joe

22.(22) 7-9: Jack Del Rio is grateful the Weavers can’t afford to buy an Extra Value Meal at this point, nevertheless the remaining years on his contract.-Joe

23.(28) 7-9: Those 8 tds the last two weeks will come in real handy for Jay Cutler when he’s found at 3 AM on the 300th floor of the Sears Tower with three hookers (two female, one male), doused in Jack Daniels and rubbing himself with two of Devin Hester’s dreads.-joe

24.(23) 5-11: Note to Mangini: Mike Holmgren likes his muffins buttered lightly, and his ass kissed tenderly.-Joe

25.(26) 5-11: JaMarcus Russell showed just enough in the finale to convince Al Davis to fire another coach for not believing that Russell’s the future of the franchise. Hire me, Al. I believe Russell is the future of the franchise, and that the future of the franchise is darker than the previews for The Book of Eli.-Joe

26.(30) 4-12: Jamaal Charles asked to sit out the fourth quarter instead of chasing the all-time single game rushing record so a rook could get some PT. He said he will break the record “some other time.” I don’t care what database I have to hack into, that guy will be on my fantasy team next year.-Mason

27.(29) 6-10: If only it could snow every week…then the catastrophic consequences of global warming would mercifully cancel football for Bills fans as the world devolved into chaos.-Joe

28.(25) 3-13: Somewhere, Derrick Brooks is smiling and saying, “Serves you f*cking right.” He’s smiling because he’s drunk.-Joe

29.(27) 4-12: All of the feather boas in Clinton Portis’s closet couldn’t cover up the stain Jim Zorn left on the locker room carpet on his way out

30.(28) 5-11: Can the Seahawks draft both an offense and a defense with their two first-round picks?-Joe

31.(31) 2-14: This team deserves an inspirational speech from Mike Leach. And their fat, little girlfriends too.-Mason

32.(32) 1-15:Now it’s just a matter of waiting to see how they blow the draft.-Mason

Though the Saints are locked into the one-seed, the Vikings, Eagles, Cowboys and Cardinals all have a shot at a first-round bye. If it wasn’t for the miracle in Pittsburgh two weeks ago, the Packers would too. Every offense is explosive. Every defense has a fierce pass rush. This is the most exciting conference playoff bracket I’ve seen in my lifetime (22 years). Even though the Giants aren’t a part of it, I’m absolutely giddy. You should be too. It’s an orgy of talent and possibilities.

Ranking-Team (LW): Judgment

1. (1) 14-1: People keep saying a loss kills the momentum of the Colts 23 game winning streak. People are idiots. Before they were just great. Now they’re angry too.-Mason

2.(2) 12-3: Phillip Rivers inherited the title of “Face that Just Looks the Most Like it Needs Punching in the NFL” from Peyton Manning the day he was drafted. One day he will inherit the best QB in the league title from him too.-Mason

3.(3) 13-2: How does a 13-1 team playing at home lose to a 2-12 team? That’s like Angelina Jolie losing Brad Pitt to Kathy Bates.-Dr. Juan

4.(4) 11-4: Get your signs ready, PETA. Michael Vick is going to the Super Bowl. I can just feel it.-Mason

5.(7) 10-5: The Cowboys are playing so well Jerry Jones looks like he has a permanent smile on his face, which technically he does, but at the moment, he means it.-Mason

6.(10) 10-5: If the Cardinals make it to the Super Bowl again and win it, I may move to Phoenix and join Kurt Warner’s church. Because if that’s not proof of divine intervention, then I don’t know what is.-Dr. Juan

7.(8) 10-5: Prediction: we’re headed for Packers-Vikes 3 in the Wildcard Round. This is revenge plot is downright shakespearean, if Shakespeare wrote about interesting things like, you know, the NFL playoffs.-Joe

8.(5) 11-4: What would it take to coax Madden out of retirement for Vikes-Pack 3? What would be better than Favre getting tackled at the 1 with no time left, followed by Madden rumbling into the field, taking Favre into his arms like a newborn, while Favre weeps into Madden’s heaving bosom? I could probably die happy at that moment.-Joe

9. (6) 10-5: When you read the words “Bengals” and “locked up” you expect to see “jail” somewhere in the sentence instead of “division title.”-Dr. Juan

10.(12) 10-5: If the Pats can get a stadium full of fans in Randy Moss masks, nobody will beat them. Unless they fall behind early. Then the stadium will be empty by the second quarter.-Mason

11.(9) 8-7: Who does Ray Lewis have to shank for this team to be consistent?-Mason

12.(16) 8-7: We’re one miracle Mike Wallace catch from a potential Favre return to Lambeau in the playoffs. Just a little more material for my upcoming book: 287 Reasons to Loath Ben Roethlisberger and His Three Chins: A Memoir of Hate (Penguin, 2011).-Joe

13.(13) 7-8: The Titans defensive coordinator got flagged by the officials for unsportsmanlike conduct. After the game, Jeff Fisher asked him how he’d like working for Tom Cable.-Dr. Juan

14. (17) 8-7: The Jets have as much chance of winning a playoff game as Rex Ryan has of ever seeing his penis again without the aid of multiple cameras and calipers.-Mason

15.(14) 8-7: I’ll bet that Josh McDaniels would have had a lot to apologize for if he had been mic’ed up on the sidelines for the Eagles game.-Dr. Juan

16. (22) 7-8: What sort of strange hold does John Fox have on his players to get them to play this hard for him when the season has been in the toilet for weeks? I’m thinking he slips opium into their food. Wait. That’ll show up on the league drug tests. He’s probably just holding select family members hostage in a basement somewhere.-Dr. Juan

17.(19) 8-7: The Texans are like that grandfather who hung around on life support far too long even though you knew his time was up. But you got to give them credit for refusing to die.-Mason

18.(15) 7-8: The only way they make the playoffs is if they can sue under the Marine Mammal Protection Act.-Dr. Juan

19.(11) 8-7: The only way the New York Football Midgets are going to reach the playoffs is on a step ladder.-Mason

20.(20) 8-7: If the Falcons beat the Bucs this week, they’ll have back-to-back winning seasons for the first time ever in team history. With history like that, is their collapse this year really that big a surprise?-Dr. Juan

21.(21) 7-8: In most cities, a coach baring his ass would be an outrage. In San Francisco, it’s just sexy. That’s not really related to anything that has happened in the last 12 months, but it’s week 16, and I have been itching to use that line all season.-Mason

22.(18) 7-8: Some Jags fans are hoping the team drafts Tim Tebow. Why do they want two QBs on the roster that can’t play in the NFL?-Dr. Juan

23.(26) 4-11: Holmgren says he’s not a fan of pulling the plug too quick on a head coach. That whooshing sound you hear is Mangenius’ butt cheeks unclenching.-Mason

24.(28) 6-9: Now that Jay Cutler won a MNF game, I can compliment him. He kind of looks like Alec Baldwin, if Alec Baldwin’s face was made of melting wax.-Mason

25.(29) 3-12: Beating the Saints in the Superdome. Yes, Raheem, there is a Santa Claus. And he hates the people of New Orleans worse than Kate Moss hates a ham sandwich.-Dr. Juan

26.(23) 5-10: Can’t Tom Cable and Ray Lewis just fight to the death at midfield for the Ravens playoff birth. If Lewis wins, the Ravens make the playoffs and the Raiders finally get a competent coach. If Cable wins, he realizes his true calling as an Ultimate Fighter. If the NFL Network arranged this fight and got the rights, wouldn’t that be the boom the Network’s been looking for?-Joe

27.(24) 4-11: With the Shanahan era looming, Jason Campbell looks like a drained, beaten child who’s been dragged from foster home to foster home in different countries, learning a new language each year. What are the chances that the team signs David Carr to compete with Campbell while they develop a rookie, and Campbell and Carr strike up an intimate, semi-sexual relationship brought on by their mutual past abuse? Someone get Lifetime on the phone: there’s great potential in DC.-Joe

28.(27) 5-10: I’m trying really hard not to make bad puns on Jim Mora’s name, but could this team have quit any mora obviously? Crap.-Joe

29.(25) 5-10: We’re three months away from TO signing with the Pats, resurrecting his image as a team-oriented, tough possession receiver opposite Moss and Welker, making a run to to Superbowl XLV in Dallas, and then completely destroying the team by revealing on Media Day that he’s slept with Giselle, Belichick’s daughter Amanda, and Jerry Jones. Is he kidding? Is he telling the truth? No one would know. Would this cement him in the Hall of Fame? Absolutely.-Joe

30.(31) 3-12: It’s possible that the Kansas City Royals may play football better than the Chiefs.-Dr. Juan

31.(30) 2-13: Do you think Barry Sanders put some sort of a curse on the Lions when he retired and the team made him give back some of his bonus money?-Dr. Juan

32.(32) 1-14: Dear Rams. We’ll give you a second-round pick and the rights to Eli’s first-born son to get Spags back. Remember, Eli’s first-born is also Peyton’s nephew. Think about it. Best, Giants Fans.-Joe

That’s how far the Vikings have fallen after starting the season 10-1–they may easily slip to the four seed and end up hosting the five-seed Packers.

What needs to happen?

1. A Vikings loss to the Giants.

2. A Cardinals win over the Packers.

3. An Eagles win over the Cowboys.

That would make the NFC Playoff Picture look like this:

1. Saints

2. Eagles

3. Cardinals

4. Vikings

5. Packers

6. Cowboys

Very, very interesting. Looks like Packers fans might get their revenge, after all.

Could JaMarcus Russell actually be a good QB? (Just kidding: the answer is no.)

Team (LW) Record: Judgment

1.(2) 14-0: Does watching Peyton Manning play teams in the AFC South remind anyone else of wrestling with their six year-old cousin?-Mason

2.(1) 13-1: Like Wilmer Valderrama and Hootie and the Blowfish, they may have peaked a little too early.-Dr. Juan

3.(3) 11-3: Norv Turner will lose a playoff game by a FG because he is a pussy. Mark it down.-Mason

4.(5) 10-4: DeSean Jackson: proving yet again that potheads that scare off other teams are the draft’s best value. Seriously. When I become GM of the Giants, I’m building a Super Bowl team comprised solely of former stoners. I’ll turn Ricky Williams’s son into the next Walter Payton.-Joe

5.(4) 11-3:  I wouldn’t let some bald headed nerd bench me either. Just saying.-Mason

6.(6) 9-5: Uh-oh: just when we thought the Bengals were really good, their defensive line got decimated and Carson Palmer was possessed by the spirit of Trent Dilfer. Actually, that last part happened about three years ago, but everyone just noticed.-Joe

7.(15) 9-5: I want to see complete urine analysis results from the Cowboys and the Saints before I start to believe in their win. Players on both teams had to be out of their minds on banned substances. Because as a Cowboys fan, I don’t believe in Santa Claus. Miracle on 34^th Street was just a movie; just a movie.-Dr. Juan

8.(7) 9-5: After watching the Minnesota-Carolina game, the Packers would love a playoff rematch with Grandpa.-Dr. Juan

9.(9) 8-6: Likely commentary during round one of the playoffs: “Lewis blitzes…and Brady takes a dive! He’s curled up in the fetal position at midfield sucking his thumb! What a scene, folks. And now Kevin Faulk…is massaging Brady’s tummy! Randy Moss coming over to help out…and he defecates on Brady’s shoes! And my oh my folks, Wes Welker is doing shirtless pushups at the thirty five!”-Joe

10.(10) 9-5: Will they realize that playing for the three-seed is important to avoid the Saints in the second round and head to Minnesota instead? Or will they go with their usual, “pretend to fall down, and then sucker punch the guy” strategy?-Joe

11.(12) 8-6: Either Tom Coughlin realized that the Giants only chance at a championship is as the underdog wildcard team and planned this season out perfectly, or he finally banned those pre-game opium smoke sessions. Regardless, the future looks bright if they can sneak their way into the post-season.-Joe

12.(11) 9-5: Bill Belichick is figuring out how to coach this talent-deficient team like the 2000 Patriots. Except in 2000, the AFC’s best team was quarterbacked by Kordell Stewart, and Peyton Manning is to Kordell Stewart as a bow-wrapped Lexus on Christmas morning is to a strip of rubber you drunkenly pissed on in the snow.-Joe

13.(13) 7-7: Are those special stars from Mario that make you super fast and invincible a banned substance? Because if so, I think Chris Johnson’s going to have a date with Roger Goodell (and not one of the good kind of Goodell dates, where he takes you to nice New York restaurants and you order lots of wine and laugh, and back at his place he gives you a back massage, and then, if you’re willing to just be a little “curious” for about fifteen minutes, he’ll even order more room service, including unlimited martinis–Johnson will have the bad kind of Goodell date).-Joe

14.(8) 8-6: Losing at the end of the game to the Raiders? A late season slump? Is Shanahan back on the sidelines?-Dr. Juan

15.(14) 7-7: Four fumbles in two weeks means nobody will be trusting Ricky Williams with their glass bong anytime soon.-Mason

16.(19) 7-7: Big Ben threw for 503 yards? Can Terry Bradshaw even count that high?-Dr. Juan

17.(17) 7-7: For Jets fans, Sanchez’s beautiful bomb was like waking up to find that your delinquent son made you breakfast on the day of your big promotion, only to later discover that he laced your orange juice with LSD.-Joe

18.(18) 7-7: The only thing that can save Jacksonville is if they legalize the cloning of Tim Tebow, and maybe make a few Tebow-MJD lovechilds in the lab. They’d have such pretty eyes! And what an ass!-Joe

19.(19) 7-7: If Gary Kubiak hangs around long enough, he may one day luck into a Wild Card loss, and all his supporters will say, “We told you so.”-Mason

20.(21) 7-7: The best thing you can say about Matt Ryan coming back at this point in the season, is that like the Titanic, it’s an honorable tradition for the captain to go down with his ship.-Dr. Juan

21.(16) 6-8: The Niners have grown up a lot this season; just like Tootie on The Facts of Life. And they’ve played a lot like Mrs. Garrett’s girls from time to time, too.-Dr. Juan

22.(24) 6-8: If Jake Delhomme set the benchmark, then Matt Moore’s win over the Vikings should earn him $250 million guaranteed, easy.-Dr. Juan

23.(25) 5-9: JaMarcus Russell led a 4^th quarter comeback and got a TD for the win when his team needed him most. I’m not doing shtick. That happened.-Mason

24.(22) 4-10: After watching the Giants blow up his new team, general manager Bruce Allen is going to need a Ouija board to get advice from his departed father, George Allen. But the way the ‘Skins have been playing, the old coach may refuse to talk.-Dr. Juan

25.(27) 5-9: Is it too late to bring back Marv Levy?-Dr. Juan

26.(29) 3-11:With Mike Holmgren taking the reins, there is no reason to think the Browns won’t climb to the top 25 within five years.-Mason

27.(26) 5-9: After losing to the Bucs at home 24-7, it seems as though the Seattle 12^th man is none other than Stephen Hawking.-Dr. Juan

28.(23) 5-9: If Jay Cutler skipped practice this week to spend some time in Cabo with Jessica Simpson, could it possibly do any harm? Would anybody even care?-Dr. Juan

29.(31) 2-12: Josh Freeman looks capable of leading the Bucs to six, maybe seven wins this off-season. Raheem Morris looks capable of getting fired six, maybe seven more times before his career is over.-Joe

30. (30) 2-12:I have to give it to these guys, they just don’t quit. I wish they would, but they just won’t.-Mason

31.(28) 3-11: In hindsight, getting blackout drunk the night before the game and announcing to the whole team that Josh Cribbs has swine flu wasn’t the best game plan for Todd Haley.-Joe

32.(32) 1-13: Now that the top pick is locked up, Rams fans will be hard for a boy named Suh next year (now, am I talking about the DT from Nebraska, or the next Asian hip-hop sensation that will make midwesterners question their sexuality? Could be both, really.)-Joe

Photo by Daylife

The Matchup:

Steelers Pass O vs Packers Pass D

Best defense in the NFC? That belongs to Green Bay, who have been completely transformed since their embarrassing loss in Tampa. This dramatic improvement actually wasn’t a huge surprise; the 3-4 takes at least a half-season to pick up. Now, the D thriving. They’ve only allowed ten first-half points in their last five games. The big reason has been their brutal press coverage and suddenly fierce pass rush.

Meanwhile, the Steelers just can’t protect Big Ben. Roethlisberger played very well late in the Chiefs and Raiders losses, but he’s struggled mightily in the first half, often in the face of pressure. That’s not a good sign against a defense that thrives early, especially since Charles Woodson–who’s having the second best year of any cornerback (only behind Darrelle “shutdown” Revis)–will be able to blanket Santonio Holmes.

Advantage: 

Packers Pass O vs Steelers Pass D

Troy Polamalu’s teammates have done a great job of displaying the hippy-Hawaiian’s tremendous value with their horrible performance. Polamalu’s free-lancing play forces so many quarterback mistakes–not just to him, but to his teammates. I think we seriously have to consider that CB Ike Taylor and FS Ryan Clark have been really overrated in the Polamalu era. Bruce Gradkowski and Matt Casell would have trouble scoring with a drunk Lindsay Lohan; the fact that they scorched the Steelers in the 4th/OT says a lot. A lot.

And here comes Rodgers. He’s been getting rid of the ball quicker of late, but if he holds it for too long on Sunday, the Steelers can still force rutnovers. Still, Rodgers is a whole new level from the QBs the Steelers have seen lately. He’s playing remarkably efficiently of late, and letting the Packers receivers make plays after the catch.

Steelers Run O vs Packers Run D

The Steelers as bad as it seems on the ground, they’re not. Footballoutsider’s DVOA statistics put them at 16th in the league, perfectly average. However, they have they have no commitment to the run. They only try to run the ball against teams with more holes in them than hipster jeans. They need to quell an aggressive, blitzing Packers 3-4 front, so that means they need to make sure Rashard Mendenhall gets the damn ball. The Steelers aren’t very good at that though; Bruce Arrians needs to be fired as OC for the amount of times he puts Roethlisberger back to pass behind that o-line. Chances are, they won’t stick to it, even in December.

Advantage: 

Packers Run O vs Steelers Run D

Ryan Grant–Pro Bowler? He’s the NFC’s third leading rusher. He’s has more yards than much-talked about AFC North backs Cedric Benson and Ray Rice. He makes extremely solid one cut runs within the spread system; that being said, the Steelers do a great job of closing down those lanes.

However, I think Rodgers’ success through the air will open things up for Grant.

Advantage: 

Special Teams

Can the Steelers write off the return touchdowns they give up as tax-deductible donations?

Advantage: 

Coaching

Dick Lebeau is still always a huge advantage for the Steelers in my book; Arrians is awful, but Tomlin’s badass coolness factor always kicks him up a notch.

Advantage: 

Prediction

Rodgers puts the Steelers in an early 2nd quarter 14-3 hole. The Steelers make a mini-comeback, but fall short. Packers 30-Steelers 20

Faster Take: The Redskins seemingly knew they were going to jettison Cerrato after this season to go after a big name guy to run the franchise. The guy on the top of their list? Mike Holmgren. The Browns and Seahawks are getting hot and heavy with Holmgren, and this move signals that Redskins Owner Dan Snyder likely wants to go after The Walrus. However, Holmgren expressed his displeasure in how the franchise treated Jim Zorn. Still, 10 million a year might change the man’s mind.