Welcome to Faster Fire with Mason Lerner, where Houston’s top expert on humpback whales, football, jello porn and Shawn Merriman’s sex life takes on this week’s biggest issues in the NFL.
Mason’s written for ESPN the Magazine, the Houston Chronicle, and has had many stories killed by Boy’s Life. His latest book of poetry, Gary Kubiak, Why Do You Mismanage and Rape My Dreams, is a Pen Book Award finalist.
Joe: Mason, thanks for being with us. First Faster Fire Question: The Cowboys have scored fourteen points in the past two games. Are the Cowboys in trouble? Are we witnessing the prelude to the great, final collapse of the Wade Phillips era?
Mason: The great, final collapse of Wade Phillips is destined to involve a cheeseburger wrapped in a calzone, multiple Texas State Fair funnel cakes and a subsequent failed triple bypass. The Cowboys have been in trouble since day one. Tony Romo is overrated. Their skill players are not skilled enough. Jerry Jones is figuring out right now who he has to blow to get Colt McCoy.
Joe: Terrell Owens lit up the Jags for 197 yards and a score on Sunday, including a career-long 98 yard touchdown. Once sedated in Buffalo exile, is T.O. going to force himself back into our lives again?
Mason: TO is exceeding expectations in Buffalo. The season is barely half over, and his coach already got canned. It’s tough to run a guy out of town when you’re working on a one year contract. Think about that. Now all he has to do is pile up meaningless stats so he can sign another one year contract in a random city next year and ruin another man’s life’s work. TO will always be in our lives. Once his skills deteriorate completely, he will compensate by replacing his eye grabbing TD celebrations with just as elaborate, but even more insignificant, first down dances. We will see him drop his pants and show off his stripper-like, rapid fire individual buttock control before it’s all said and done. Bet on it.
Joe: Chargers CB Cromartie was charged with assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly striking someone with a champagne bottle after the Chargers big win over Denver. Your take?
Mason: Whoever he hit with the bottle needs to stop acting like a little bitch and just be grateful he got smacked up by a big time professional athlete. It used to be when a big time professional athlete rear-ended your hoopty with their oversized luxury car, threw you threw a plate glass window or hit on your wife right in front of you, there was a level of respect for their accomplishments. No more. We live in an “anything goes/me first” society where jackasses like the guy who got hit with the champagne bottle no longer appreciate what it means to be assaulted by a celebrity. It’s pathetic and it makes me embarrassed to be a sports fan.
Joe: Both Kurt Warner and Big Ben appeared to suffer concussions Sunday, yet both say they’ll play this week. Is the NFL still too lax on concussions, with religious zealots and alleged rapists alike?
Mason: Did you know that in 1909, 29 people died playing collegiate and pro football? As a result, the worrywart muck-a-mucks that make the rules legalized the forward pass. What else do you want from them?
Regardless, Big Ben is setting up the best “I can’t remember” legal defense since Ronald Regan pretended he thought his golf clubs were a dining room set from Aikia during the Iran/Contra affair.
Joe: F*ck, Marry, Kill: Brady Quinn, Eric Mangini, Jamaal Lewis.
That’s easy. I would f*ck Eric Mangini because his name would make me think of the fat coach at the U of Kansas, and that really gets me going. I would marry Jamaal Lewis because I think gift envelopes full of cocaine from friends and relatives could make for a fun wedding. I wouldn’t kill anyone. These days publishing anything about killing online, even in clear jest, is a one way ticket to Guantanamo. Though I am sure there are many family events and holidays that made Brady Quinn’s mom ask him, “Would it kill you to put a shirt on?”
Joe: Matthew Stafford broke out with 422 yards and 5 scores in a come from behind win against the Browns. Is he the real deal, or do games against high school teams not count?
Mason: Games against high school teams count. If they didn’t, the one point I scored for the Bellaire High School freshman squad against Madison would be meaningless. Vince Young went to Madison, you know? Not until several years later, but still…I give Stafford the benefit of the doubt on this one. Cleveland’s “D” has slowed down some quality teams like Baltimore and Cincy this year. Also, it would be nice if Detroit had something besides Eminem to be proud of, so I am hopeful.
Joe: Likewise, Bruce Gradkowski led the comeback in Oakland. Is he the answer?
Bruce Gradkowski will definitely benefit from diminished expectations. There are fans in Houston who want Gary Kubiak to be immortalized with a Michelangelo’s “David” style statue outside of Reliant Stadium for building the franchise up to its current mediocre state. Coming in after a 2-14 season can do that. But if “Gradkowski” is the answer, the question must be “Why haven’t the Raiders benched JaMarcus yet?”
Mason: If you could spend the weekend with Jerry Jones and go anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Does it have to be on Earth? Because I think it would be fun to visit his family on Alpha Centauri. Or we can just stay at his place in Arkansas and watch the web cams he has set up to peep on whichever hottie Romo is banging this week. Whateva.
Joe: The Lions are double-digit underdogs on Thanksgiving, again. The Cowboys have scheduled a patsy opponent on Thanksgiving, again. Should the NFL move the games elsewhere?
Mason: I heard Chris Berman say they should keep the Detroit game on Thanksgiving because it is a part of history. The problem is that it is not a part of history. It is still happening and it needs to stop. In 50 plus years, the Lions have yet to play a game that even Barry Sanders cared about. Their list of all-time greats is only slightly longer than a list of the greatest Sikh heavyweight champions. Cowboys get to stay. They are America’s team, and a jiggly Wade Phillips symbolizes wealth and prosperity.
Joe: In two words, describe how you feel every time Al Davis is shown during a game.
Mason: Nauseous. Jealous.
