August in Austin, Texas: The midsummer daily highs stay pegged in the triple digits for weeks on end, and the thermal oppression can linger into the 90s till midnight with the persistence of a meth head ex-girlfriend who needs just 50 more cents to score her next tweak. The midday heat shimmers rise up from the concrete like a hungry army of transparent zombies anxious to gnaw on human brains. But unlike Vegas, it’s a moist heat. They say it’s better for the skin; opens the pores like a Swedish sauna. I feel blessed.

I guess the relentless heat and humidity makes Austin sort of a nirvana for the brain-addled. That would explain why all the old hippies from the 60s stuck around. And it would explain why fantasy football experts from across the nation would be drawn to this overgrown food steamer with a skyline in the season of our prickly heat discontent. Once your brains have been fried by the fantasy football fever, there’s not much more damage the thermometer can do. You’re like a lawyer that suddenly grew gills that is now free to swim amongst the sharks with a reborn atavistic liberty.

On the surface, the experts are here for the inaugural Texas Testosterone Festival, billed as a celebration for just plain guys, bringing together things geared for the average Joe under one convention center-sized roof: sports, hobbies, recreation, and technology. And that includes an expert fantasy football draft. The lead expert, doubling as the host, is Ladd Biro of the Dallas Morning News, Sporting News Radio, and Fantasy Fools. Also on the slate are Sigmund Bloom and Marc Faletti (FootballGuys.com), David Dorey and Darin Tietgen (TheHuddle.com), Tommy Landry (RotoExperts.com), Jeff Owens (4for4.com) and Pete Smits (FantasyInsights.com). But I’m guessing they’re also getting some sort of perks. What sort of perks, I can’t say. My imagination could say, but that’s gotten me in trouble before. I promised the court-appointed counselor I’d be more careful in the future.

So, this weekend that’s where I’ll be, covering this meeting of the Bilderberg Group of fantasy football. The only way it can be covered is from the inside, with official press credentials or something that’ll pass for them. It’s a good thing I already have desktop publishing software and I picked up a laminator at a garage sale last week. It’ll be no mean feat negotiating my way to the mock draft past the members of the Dallas Desire of the Lingerie Football League, UFC Lightweight contender Melvin Guillard, Jason David Frank of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Celebrity Rehab star Amber Smith in the bowels of the special events center. The distractions are insidious, but I vow to pick the brains of the fantasy cognoscenti for insights and inside scoop. I’ll leave the bulk of their brains to appease the transparent heat zombies. Then I’ll retire to the bunker to file my reports via mojo wire and fortify the defenses for the coming zombie apocalypse; or until the heat breaks and the fall rains come.

Installment Two

Installment Three

Appendix

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Photo by Outcast104