Brittany Murphy

Brittany Murphy died on Sunday from cardiac arrest in the shower at the young age of thirty-two. In Hollywood, “died at the young age,” is often codeword for cocaine overdose, so the national media wasted no time getting on on the feeding frenzy.

People found lots of sources immediately ready to paint Murphy as an anorexic coke head:

“She had insane self-image issues,” one says. “Her weight, her hair, her clothes, her skin, her teeth, everything. She was always so self-conscious.”

Adds another: “A lot of her problems were due to poor self image. She wore extraordinary amounts of makeup, tons of fake eyelashes, got her teeth capped, dyed her hair blonde, lost weight – she wanted to be a beauty. She didn’t want to be the fat girl from Clueless. She didn’t eat a lot. She would drink copious amounts of coffee.”

Clueless director Amy Heckerling believes Murphy’s body image problems may have originated on that set.

“She seemed to go through a change on Clueless,” Heckerling told an entertainment blog Sunday. “Maybe she felt like she was not the, like, skinny, pretty girl, you know? And then the next few movies she was, you know, thinner, blonde … going out with Eminem and Ashton Kutcher.”

Dating Eminem and Ashton Kutcher is pretty damning evidence of a moral collapse. Also, the shocking news that a Hollywood actress drank lots of coffee and obsessed about her appearance; I could give you the same “shocking” report on 90% of the girls at my liberal arts school.

The London Sun reports that Murphy was hooked on “Jacko Drugs:”

MOVIE star BRITTANY MURPHY was killed by prescription drugs just like MICHAEL JACKSON, pals feared last night.

One said the 32-year-old beauty, who won acclaim for her performances in Clueless and 8 Mile, had become hooked on painkillers since having a series of plastic surgery ops.

They included Vicodin, which Jacko was known to abuse.

Brittany was pronounced dead at 10.04am yesterday following a heart attack. But friends believe it was brought on by a long-running struggle with prescription drugs.

One said: “We have been very worried something like this was about to happen. Brittany has been living life on the edge. She definitely had a drug problem and we have all begged her to seek help. Sadly our words fell on deaf ears.”

So, the Sun theory goes: Murphy didn’t actually have the flu, but was going through opiate withdrawals, and then did some coke as a little pick me up, but when overboard, the combination turned toxic in her body, and she went into cardiac arrest. Also, did Murphy have the most talkative, treacherous friends ever? Or did Murphy just rail a ton of Vicodin and coke in public? Or are they all just making it up?

TMZ paints the death scene:

We’re told Murphy was taking prescription meds for flu-like symptoms she had been experiencing for several days. We’re told Murphy began vomiting early Sunday morning and told family members she was feeling very ill.

But lots of prescriptions for what? For Opiates? Because she’s living with her elderly mother for f*ck’s sake. Of course there are going to be a ton of prescriptions.

The world awaits the chance to suck the blood out of Murphy’s autopsy report. Stay tuned.

Sources say various prescriptions were found in the home — written for Brittany Murphy, husband Simon Monjack, and Brittany’s mom. One source says, “There were a lot … a lot of prescriptions in the house.”

Law enforcement sources tell us Murphy collapsed in the bathroom and somehow ended up in the shower … there was, we’re told, a significant amount of vomit in the immediate area.

We’re also told authorities did not find illegal drugs in the house, but Murphy was definitely taking various prescription meds.

Sources say her condition and the meds could have triggered a heart attack, but it’s too early to know. An autopsy will be performed Monday or Tuesday.

Photo by Zastazski

This is the most outrage a Smith performance has generated since “Hitch,” when animal rights groups protested Smith’s molestation of an animal in the movie. It was later revealed that the victim in question wasn’t an animal, but actually Kevin James.

Here’s what they’re saying about this newest outrage around the web:

From TMZ:

As TMZ first reported, Keith pulled back his eyes when Will Smith rapped the word “yellow” during an impromptu performance in Norway a few days ago – Toby’s rep blew it off, telling us, “nobody at the party thought Toby was out of line.” But outside the party — people are pissed.

A rep for the Asian American Justice Center tells TMZ, “Toby Keith embarrassed himself and his country, denigrated the Noble Peace Prize and offended Asians and Asian Americans by using a crude, racist hand gesture.”

Another group — the Media Action Network for Asians — also took offense with Toby, telling us, “By doing this, he is telling his Asian fans ‘you don’t matter, you’re not on my radar.’

To be fair, I think the gesture does show that Asian fans are on Toby Keith’s radar. And he’s probably going to have to scrap his latest single, “Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees.”

The Daily News looks at it from a different angle:

Fellow country crooner Miley Cyrus was also labeled a racist earlier this year after party pix emerged showing the teen similarly slanting her eyes.

One Los Angeles woman actually sued the “Hannah Montana” star for $4 billion on behalf of L.A.’s Asian Americans, claiming the gesture was offensive, but the judge dropped the suit.

Keith has yet to issue a formal apology, and his reps are dismissing the incident.

“No one at the concert thought Toby was out of line,” his camp said. “Everyone was impressed with his rapping skills and that’s it . . . all of the artists liked each other, hung out, and it was a very friendly, genuine, and supportive atmosphere.”

Indeed. The story here isn’t whatever Keith did, but rather a chance to remind ourselves how much Miley Cyrus sucks, and the high level of awesomeness that Toby Keith’s rap skills have reached. The new Eminem?

From The Blemish:

Toby was so big into hand gestures, I wonder why when Will said “brown”, Toby didn’t yell, “For Allah!” or when he said “red”, he didn’t do the tomahawk chop and put five fingers behind his head to signify feathers or when Will said “black,” Toby didn’t smash his lips together so they’d look real big and swollen. Wait, I think I know the answer to the last one. It might have been because he would have gotten his ass kicked by the people behind him.

Yet another interesting point. Was this controversy in fact the fault of Keith, or rather the fault of the large, intimidating Asians–or better yet, ninjas–that failed to stand behind him and threaten to kick his ass? Food for thought.

Finally, the AP has Keith’s take on the War just hours before SlantedEyesGate:

There’s no reason to apologize for supporting U.S. war efforts, American country singer Toby Keith said Friday, just hours before performing at the annual Nobel Peace Prize concert.

Keith, whose 2002 saber-rattling hit “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)” was inspired by the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, said he stands by President Barack Obama’s decision to send 30,000 troops to Afghanistan.

Keith’s appearance at the downtown Oslo Spektrum arena, scheduled for 1900 GMT (2 p.m. EST), has been questioned by Norwegians dismayed that a performer known for a fervent pro-war anthem is playing at a show focused on peace.

The musician dismissed the criticism.

“If President Obama has to send (more) troops into Afghanistan to fight evil, I’ll pull for our guys to win, and I won’t apologize for it,” Keith said. “I’m an American, and I do pull for our team to fight evil.”

As opposed to those damn French, who pull for their team to serve croissants and delicious wine to evil. Pansies.

One:

Because nothing says “therapy” like taking off your shirt and talking to a notoriously misogynist magazine about your abusive ex-boyfriend. Read all about it!

Two: Michael Lohan Arrested in NYC

By the Fashion Police! But in all seriousness, he’s a crazy asshole who started stalking his ex-girlfriend again. Apparently the attention-whore gene has dominant alleles.

Three: Tiger Woods Banged Junger Night His Father Died, Doesn’t Tip

I couldn’t give a sh*t about the first one, but the man doesn’t tip? He makes a hundred million a year in endorsements! And he mostly takes out his mistresses to cheap diners.Can’t add an extra twenty percent to your milkshake, champ? This revelation is secretly going to kill his popularity. Everyone can understand getting some ass on the side. But not tipping? That’s inexcusable.

Photo By RihannaDaily

One: Tranny Pretending to be Tara Reid Poses for Playboy

Jesus, it’s been a long time since American Pie. How did Reid go from being instant Viagra to looking like something that Hugh Grant picks up on a typical Tuesday Night? Look at the before (left) and after (right). Shocking, isn’t it? All I want for Christmas is for newsstands to burn this copy of Playboy.

Two: Avatar Premieres in London With a Grand Hurrah

I keep hearing that Avatar is going to change movies forever. Why? Because guys in the audience will be attracted to a computer-animated blue alien for the first time?

Three: Tiger’s Wood: Tiger Wood Porno to Be Released

Now this is a movie I want to see.

One:

According The Huffington Post: “Inspired by the relationship between Johnny Depp and Kate Moss, the photos reflect debauched times, a threesome, one of Lohan’s breasts and her butt.”

Well, I’m glad she’s getting paid, but does this really count as work? Isn’t acting like Kate Moss and exposing herself what Lindsay does on any regular Tuesday night?

BTW, when “Mean Girls” came out, what were the odds on “Lindsay Lohan becoming unemployed, strung out and messily revealing herself in art-porn magazines within six years” 50-1? 100-1? I know her messy descent gets a lot of play, but re-watch “Mean Girls” and then look at that photo spread. It’ll blow your mind.

(Editor’s Note: And now Lyndsey’s going to shoot a documentary in India on poverty! Whaaaa??)

Two: Woman Rushed from Tiger Woods Home to Hospital

Wow. What a week. You know that super goody-goody kid who busts his ass all though high school, doesn’t go to a high school party, but then goes absolutely wild when he gets to college and by December is one more vodka-soaked, coke-crazed night away from getting kicked out? Well, I think Tiger Woods has been at college since 2007, and we’re all just finding out about it.

Three: Elton John to Support Ukranian Boy He Couldn’t Adopt

John is reportedly devastated by the Ukraine Government’s denial. But don’t be devastated Elton! Adopt me instead! We’d have so much fun! We could wear matching little glasses and purple suits. We could laugh and sing and play practical jokes on people, like where you tap strangers on the shoulder on the street, scream “Boogidy Boogidy Boo!” and pants them, and then declare “No one will ever believe you!” Afterward, we could get tons of too-sweet cocktails. You can still support the Ukrainian boy, but we’d have so much fun!

Photo By Huffington Post

Demi and Ashton

I’m still undecided as to whether it’s cute or creepy that these two successfully raise a household of teenagers, mostly because they both behave like they’re 14. If you ever want a hand job under the bleachers during fourth period, Ashton Kutcher’s your man.

ABC Cancels Adam Lambert Once More

A homoerotic dance routine hasn’t gotten anyone in this much trouble ever since my celebration after scoring my first Homecoming junior year. Like ABC, my coach really didn’t appreciate whips or leopard skin thongs.

Michael Lohan Says Jon Gosselin Stabbed Him in the Back

Don’t get excited–he meant it figuratively. With the prison sentence, we could have killed two birds with one stone!

Photo By FreshPrince448

One: Rihanna Admits Naked Pictures of Her Are Real

“If you don’t send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him,” Rihanna told Hot 97. Indeed.

Two: John Mellencamp to Quit Smoking If Facebook Group Reaches One Million

Very similar to my successful facebook group last year, “Ford Must Must Stop Playing John Mellencamp’s ‘This is Our Country’ Or I Will Kill Myself.”

Well, I guess it is really American to make all your life decisions by popular vote.

Three: William Shatner Catches on Fire

I’m loving Shatner and Regis’s progression into the delightfully senile stage of their career. They catch on fire, they say bizarre things, they wander around passionately confused in commercials. Probably the two most undervalued performers in America. Where would we be without them in our lives?

Photo by MTinteractive

Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s freaked out on “The View,” and she’s not alone. The biggest complaint came from when a male dancer thrust his face into Lambert’s crotch, which ABC cut out of its tape-delayed telecast. “That kind of came about because of the connection that I had with that dancer,” Lambert said.

When asked to specify about that connection, Lambert said, “A lot of coke and tequilla in my dressing room before the show. A lot.”

Two: 50 Cent brings Val Kilmer as his Date to AMAs

Cutest. Couple. Ever. Although their lovechild may try to take over a small Eastern European nation. Montenegro, watch out.

Three: John Mayer Says He Should Be Having Sex With More Girls

The statement is Mayer’s first line in the NYT profile on the singer-songwriter. Mayer goes on to complain that the media makes him feel guilty for dating women, and that his fame distracts people from his sub-par music.

But Mayer’s right. Though he’s dated Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jessica Simpson, there are still plenty of washed-up stars ripe for the picking (I hear Rosie O’Donnell’s single now!).

Photos by  St. Louis Today

One: Kate Hudson

We were two millimeters of bra from having another Janet Jackson incident, leading to the show being hosted by Neil Diamond next year with performances by Tom Jones. Damn. Damn!

Two: Creed Frontman and Kid Rock Not Speaking Over Oral Sex Tape

So much is funny about this, including a) the fact that Scott Stapp and Kid Rock used to chill, b) that they used to chill by getting blowjobs from strippers side by side, and c) how genuinely hurt Stapp is that Kid Rock doesn’t like him anymore.

He’s whining in the article about how they were friends and how great jamming was like he’s a scorned thirteen year-old. Dude! Your uber-Christian ass probably annoyed the hell out of Kid Rock even before you accidentally leaked a tape of strippers licking his junk. He. Doesn’t. Like. You. Give it up.

Three: Crazed Tween Mob Injures Five at Pop Concert

I’ve been saying it for months: these damn fifteen year-old pretty boy pop stars are going to get someone killed one of these days. They’re like crack for all those 11 and 12-year old girls going through puberty. And you know what happens when you get together a mob of 3,000 crack addicts in a Nassau County mall and dangle their high in front of them? People get hurt. People just get hurt.

No! When reading this article, my first reaction was to break into tears and try to build a bomb shelter-fort out of my coffee table. Certainly, the world cannot go on without Oprah. After securing myself in my fort, I read the next paragraph. Oprah’s actually leaving to start her own cable channel–OWN, which either stands for the Oprah Winfrey Channel, or is a simple message that she owns the souls of middle-aged women across America.

Really, though, this should be an economic story. A 24-hour Oprah channel means that we’ll probably lose 13% of the American workforce.

Two: Victoria Beckham Prefers Sex to a Good Night’s Sleep

As apposed to everyone else whom, with a full day of shopping and eating salads ahead, would rather hit the hay then caress David Beckem’s smooth man-chest. Good god, with all of these bland sex tapes coming out, why don’t these two make one?

Three: Miss Universe Japan and Trinidad Release Hardcore Threesome Sex Tape

I believe this is Asia’s way of saying: “F*ck you, Carrie Prajean.”

Photo by NY Daily News, Kblim