One: James Gandolfini Assaults Photographer
Gandolfini is classic Tony Soprano, commanding “Get the F*ck away from me,” and “I’ll smash this camera against your head.” Apparently, people are outraged. Personally, I’m enthralled. How great is Gandolfini’s commitment to his TV character? The world would be a much more interesting place if more actors were like him. What if Jaleel White was still bumbling around as Urkel? Or if you could find John Hamm womanizing his way around Mad Ave and downing martinis? Or if John Cryer was still stalking high school dances in funny outfits as Duckie? Okay, the last one would be creepy, but the rest would seriously enhance my life. Go forth and assault, James. For us.
Two: Dina Lohan: I Tried to Get Lindsay to Go to Rehab, But She Punched Me in the Face
Sometimes, the jokes write themselves!
Three: Sources of Nic Cage’s Financial Ruin–Fifty Cars, Two Islands, and Shrunken Heads
The extent of Nic Cage’s spending is the most impressive thing I’ve read about in years. The man also owns a zoo! And twelve mansions! And an airport hangar filled with motorcycles! And a jet!
Now, Cage is suing his financial adviser for $20 million, apparently for telling him that the dinosaur head and meteorite weren’t great investments. Honestly, he should be suing his dealer, because Cage obviously spends all of his free time stoned on Ebay.
I feel for you, dude. A box filled with plastic bananas came this morning! (Really, it did.) When and why did I order those? And why did I pay twenty-three dollars for them? I, more than anyone, know your pain, Nic Cage. Call me. We’ll gab.
Four: Good Morning America Takes on Sandra Bullock’s Fight for Step Daughter
A pretty dull story except for one element: ABC’s “Movie Star vs. Porn Star” headline (Bullock’s trying to get custody of a porn star’s child). This seems like a great idea for a new TV series. Movie stars and porn stars compete in various competitions: baking, a relay race, a strip-tease, first-to-give Regis an erection, etc.
All things considered, I think if we offered Nic Cage a half million, he’d totally compete against the delivery boy from Erotic Encounters Four in just about anything.
Five: Sharon Osbourne Takes on Susan Boyle
Said Osbourne: ”I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped arse. God bless her. It’s like, ‘You go girl’. She does look like a hairy arsehole. She is a lovely lady. You just want to say ‘god bless’ and here’s a Gillette razor.”
LOL
Six: Watchdog Group Petitions Against Gossip Girl Threesome
I know what you’re thinking: “Don’t take away my Gossip Girl threesome!” That was my reaction too, especially since this season has been awful. But consider this: my sources tell me that the threesome involves Rufus Humphrey, a vibrating waffle iron, and a large bucket of Bolognese sauce. Unless you’re totally twisted, you should go sign that petition immediately.
Seven: Michael Lohan: God is Taking Away Lindsay’s Career
Very, very true, once you remember that the Lohans all worship the Ancient Heavenly Deity of Los Angeles–Cocaine.
Eight: Carlton Banks: “I Love to F*** White Chicks”
Carlton raps in this video about tacking blonde, white chicks from from a club, and I can’t help picture him walking into a club, breaking out “the Carlton Dance,” everyone realizing it’s a little bit sad but drunkenly love it, and then Carlton walks out with three hot white girls on his arm.
I bet he does this every week.
Nine: Big Brother Champ Arrested After Using Prize Money to Start Drug Ring
I’m really terrified about the power of CBS’ authoritarian regime. If Big Brother will bust one of their own, what will they do to me? Is my TV secretly recording me? Do they know about the mushrooms in my sock drawer? The case of illegal Absinthe under the sink? Do they know that Charlie Sheen is tied up and dressed like a cowgirl in my closet? I’m terrified.
Ten: Michael Jackson Liked to Pee in Front of People
According to Jackon’s doctor, Jackson would pee in a cup, he would pee back stage, he would pee in his office, he would pee in a rage. He’d pee in front of women, little kids too. He’s pee on his roller coaster, he’d pee in his zoo. Apparently, that kid who knew that Michael’s penis looked weird, knew it because because Michael had peed in front of him. Oh, and we’re told that he used to giggle like a little boy, every time he peed. Simple pleasures, no?
