Time Magazine is calling the ’00s the decade from hell, and I thoroughly concur. I feel it will be recorded in history as a pristine example of what exactly happens when you poison the roots of a society - a total and complete, systematic break down across the board. How pathetic that it all started with a blow job. Yes, after the whole Lewinsky debacle, sensitive Americans across the land, fed up with fellatio voted in a monkey, because they wanted someone they could have a beer with, someone that they could trust, someone they could relate to: a privileged, peevish, arrogant, Yale graduate - Mr. salt of the earth!

Now of course, he didn’t REALLY win (at least not the first time around) but the coup d’etat held, and we got 8 long years to witness, firsthand, the complete and total destruction of the land of the free and home of the brave. In the end, we learned we were neither very free, nor particularly brave. It was sad to see some things I really dug dissipate into the ether, these past years. Things like integrity, culture and self respect. Still, mankind has been through these types of deals before: the Dark Ages springs to mind.

I’m sure we have half a chance… if the world doesn’t blow up, or climate change doesn’t get us, that is. We just need a major reboot, a total and complete overhaul, mentally, spiritually, and PHYSICALLY. It’s essential to our survival that we remove some excess bodies from the landscape that are dragging us all down. You see, in order to move on from this “decade from hell” we must first do away with the types of muldoons that made it hell to begin with. Out with the old and in with the new, it’s our moral imperative, and the first guy to be banished should be…

Dick Cheney

This scrotum faced, miserable wretch of a motherless whore, needs to be sent naked and shivering out on an ice floe (if you can find one that hasn’t melted) populated with polar bears, armed to the teeth with AK-47s. As the main architect of all the evil that went down during the Bush years, the damage he’s done to the fabric of our lives is inestimable. Hmmm… why is that Cotton commercial stuck in my head?

The next one up for permanent banishment…

Perez Hilton

Because of him, I know who the Jonas Brothers are, and Miley Cyrus, and Katy Perry, Ashley Tisdale, Demi Lovato, Vanessa Hudgens, Pete Wentz…ugh…I’m going to vom. He’s got not one whit of wit, not a scintilla of humor. He’s bloated and repulsive and yet he’s made a living off of tearing down others. All this has been said about him before… the inane sperm sprayed across his pages adorning the celebutards with frosty facials, not to mention his relentless Lady Gaga obsession.

While we’re voting people off our island, I say we might as well go BIG, and just include all Republicans, everyone on Wall Street, and Screech from Saved By The Bell. That obnoxious nozzle de douche, should be shot in the face with a scatter gun so I don’t have to look at it anymore. I mean, seriously, SCREECH?

Dustin Diamond

Why do I even have to hear his name ever again? Haven’t I endured enough? Speaking of enduring, haven’t we had enough of…

Rush Limbaugh

This guy has been around since the 80s, and used to be considered a half-assed joke. Now all of a sudden he’s the head of the conservative movement in America? How did that happen exactly? Well I suppose if a retarded simian can be voted in as President, anything is possible. I just keep waiting for the seminal moment when he’s ultimately called out once and for all as a total buffoon, but it never happens. So I say, we must take matters in our own hands and lace this guys oxycontin with horse laxative til’ he shits himself to oblivion.

Sheesh… there’s just too many people to name really. I could go on for days sending people to their excruciating demise, so I’ll just end with one more:

Sarah Palin

She’s the embodiment of everything that’s wrong or was ever wrong about our society. Intolerant, craven, and an abject idiot, she’s got the whole magilla. Moreover, let’s put an end to the rumor that she’s ‘”hot,” because she SO isn’t. She’s not the sexy librarian, she’s the annoying librarian! You know - the one shushing you with a voice like a cheese grater to your taint. Somehow this lizard has captured the imagination of a certain sect of our population with her idiotic parroting of conservative talking points. I don’t even bear her followers any animosity as they cannot really help the fact that their brains are congenitally inferior. I say we helicopter her up to the top of Mount McKinley and leave her there to keep a watchful eye on Russia.

Can I get an amen people? Tabula rasa - clean slate time. As this decade finally draws to a close, let’s pray that the next one restores the elements that once made us a great country. Rational thought, curiosity, TOLERANCE, ingenuity, pride…we’ve got to try at least - or die trying.

Here’s hoping.