When I’m not working, playin’ hard, or doing the whole astronaut thing, I’m usually over at ‘The Lifeboard’ - a messageboard I co-moderate wit’ my bruddah - shootin’ the shinola with my compadres. A lot of the people who show up there are refugees from the entertainment industry, so there are always interesting stories bandying about. This gave me an idea for an article in which people could write in tales of their most disappointing celebrity encounters. Well, I started the thread, and write in they did, so much so in fact, I’m going to have to split it up into two sections.

So here we go, without further adieu, we finally find out (according to these accounts), the answer to the burning question:

Who were your worst celebrity encounters?

Neil Young

Zeitgeisty says:

Back when I was signed to Arista records I was at a recording session over at Electric Lady Studios, when our producer Ric Ocasek brought Neil Young by to meet us (he knew that we were huge fans). Tongue tied, I stuck my hand out to say hello, stammering idiotically about how much we adored his work, and what an inspiration he’d been to us over the years. He looked at my hand, said nothing and walked away kind of meandering around the studio with a blank expression, just randomly looking at the equipment. I was really bummed, as I was SUCH a huge fan.  Fortunately, even his major douchebaggery couldn’t ruin how much I love his incredible music.

Bill Maher

Buckaloo says:

My ex-girlfriend was a long-time friend of Bill Maher.  Would it be too much of a generalization to say that every time I encountered him it was disappointing?  Two standouts come to mind…He hosted a Christmas party at a rented house in Malibu and, of course, my girlfriend and I were invited.  This was my first “Hollywood” shindig and I was a little excited to see what celebs I’d encounter.  That is, until I got there.  If anything ever defines Bill Maher, it’s the quality of celebrity his parties can attract.  This particular evening had me dodging Larry Flynt’s gold wheelchair, getting smacked by the arm of a very drunk Gary Busey who was attempting to dance, and throwing the football around with Kato Kaelin.  A-list, baby!  The upside was that I smoked a joint under a sundeck with Coolio and Kid from Kid n Play. On another occasion, after the relationship between Bill and I was more clearly defined (read as “couldn’t stand each other”), we were all at a party in the Hollywood Hills.  Bill was standing around with a group of us as we were talking about folks who are vegetarians.  I said,  “Well, Bill, there are those who eat meat and those who just don’t get it, right?”  Everyone but Bill snickered.  In fact, he all but rolled his eyes at the audacity of me attempting any semblance of wit in his presence.  Whatever.  I’m no comedian. Not 5 minutes later, I’m within ear shot of Bill who is now standing with a group of hot chicks chatting it up and I hear this out of his mouth - “There are those who eat meat and those who just don’t get it.” Laughter all around.  Mother***ker.

Dylan Dog Says:

I met Bill Maher, very early on when he was first doing “Politically Incorrect” — at a Wondermints show at the Whisky in Hollywood. He was cordial enough, though it was a very simple and brief introduction. But his date that night was…Kato Kaelin. Sitting at the same table: Bill Maher, Kato Kaelin, Brian Wilson, Brian’s then fiance Melinda, and Rodney Bingenheimer. I swear, four out of five people who approached the table ignored everybody else (including Brian Wilson!) and asked Kato for his autograph.I later asked a mutual friend what the deal was, as I heard Maher and Kato were roommates and wondered what on earth the two of them had in common, intellectually speaking. He replied: “Marijuana is the great equalizer!” Some years later, I went to a Rodney birthday party in 1998 or so…and the first people I saw upon entering were Kato Kaelin and Corey Feldman. Yeah, real A-list guest roster there.

Noel Gallagher

Furnier says:

“I was working a “Radio Festival” Show back when they were still able to draw big bands/crowds. This was at Cobo Arena (16 000) in Detroit about 1995 or so. The 3 big bands on the bill were Bush, Oasis and Blink 182. Part of my job was to get station ID’s from the artists. I’d done this hundreds of times over the years, and some artists were really funny and creative with it (Beck, Shirley Manson, Dave Grohl, Lenny Kravitz, even Michael Stipe who was notoriously prickly gave me an ID…) Other artists politely declined. No problem. Backstage at this show Oasis was being interviewed on the air. After they wrapped it up, I approached Noel and asked if he would do an ID for the radio station (who was overpaying his band wildly for a 40 minute set in front of a huge crowd they would never draw on their own in Detroit, btw). Something about me unhinged him, I guess. He was nice as pie when the mic was live on the air, but when I asked for Station ID he went apeshit. Yelling”Get away from me you f***ing c**t” seemed a little over the top. And THEN, he tried to have me removed from the backstage area.

Luckily, my boss backed me up, and they cooled it off. Part of me was hoping he would take a swing at me, I would have been more than delighted to deliver a Motor City beatdown onto his insipid face.  But like most, he was big talk no walk. He stopped mouthing off until the Oasis security goon appeared, then started up again.  Everyone was embarrassed, I had people coming to me left and right rolling there eyes and saying “what an a**hole.” The guys from Bush even invited me into their dressing room for a beer and a smoke.P erhaps Noel saw into my heart. Like George Harrison, I held the opinion that Oasis were derivative to the point of being a bad joke. I hated them from the moment I heard them. Whiny self important rubbish.

I still cringe when I hear people say how brilliant a song writer Noel Gallagher is/was. Not to my taste, certainly. Around that same time, I saw him on Canadian MTV responding to a question about critics of the band by pulling out his black AmEx and gloating. Douche. I’ve heard he is very nice to female fans, and eventually the radio station gave the station ID recording assignment to a hot girl, with my blessing. I’ve met a lot of music “celebrities”. Some warm, some cold. But Noel Gallagher was the only one who was a real a**hole. The one good thing that came out of it:  As a joke, for months afterward, anytime I asked anyone for anything at work, they would answer “Get away from me you f***ing c**t!” in a cockney accent.  Very amusing, especially when there are people around who aren’t in on the joke.

Branwyn Lancourt is an “ex-semi-rockstar has-been”, with a penchant for saddle shoes, misanthropy and fried pork rinds.  His personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and the original Darrin from Bewitched. Feel free to join his forum The Lifeboard where he’s usually hangin’ out discussing the news of the day. You can also friend him on Facebook, if you’re into that sort of thing.