According to the National Enquirer, a J-Lo “sex tape” is soon to be released by ex-husband Ojani Noa and from what I hear of its content, it sounds like a major snooze fest.Reports are that it is 11 hours long and includes a “sizzling” scene of Jennifer staring at herself in a mirror merely wearing a bra and panties. Sizzling? Hardly. You see more than that each time Britney Spears walks to the deli to pick up her smokes and Slim Jims. Besides, doesn’t this basically sum up the entirety of Lopez’s career anyway? This woman has been metaphorically staring at her ginormous ass in the mirror for years while we’ve watched on like a bunch of lobotomized muldoons. Talk about the emperor’s new clothes, this insufferable twit has been a huge star for a decade based solely on the impressive heft of her buttocks. As far as I’m concerned, she’s made enough money from it, at least now we’ll be able to see it up close and personal in all its wobbling glory.

The funniest (and most fun) aspect about this whole deal is how absolutely ballistic Marc Anthony must be over all of this. We’ve all heard reports of his extreme jealousy, so the idea of a tape being released of Jenny frolicking about with her ex must be pretty unbearable for the skull-faced entertainer. That’s every guy’s deepest fear, isn’t it? To watch your girl getting it on with another guy is positively taboo! Oh well, his misery is my entertainment. To me there’s nothing more delectable than a bit sweet schadenfreude at the expense of a couple of talentless nimrods.

Overall, celebrity sex tapes are a disappointing affair. It’s always a let-down to discover how lamely celebrities fuck. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tonya Harding, Fred Durst, Chyna, Screech, all their action was about as stimulating  as reading the phone book. I have a friend that always used to say, “There’s no such thing as good porn,” his meaning being, that no matter how exciting it might be, it will always be ultimately unfulfilling.

Well, I think that goes triple for celebrity porn.

As far as this Lopez tape is concerned, I hardly think it’ll make a difference to her career. I mean, after Gigli, Maid In Manhattan and Monster-In-Law, does anyone really give a horse’s rectum about her anymore? If anything, she should be happy at whatever attention this whole deal brings her, as it is most probably her last hurrah…that is until her next sex tape is released.

Branwyn Lancourt is an “ex-semi-rockstar has-been”, with a penchant for saddle shoes, misanthropy and fried pork rinds.  His personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and the original Darrin from Bewitched. Feel free to join his forum The Lifeboard where he’s usually hangin’ out discussing the news of the day. You can also friend him on Facebook, if you’re into that sort of thing.