I think commercials are the worst they’ve ever been.

In fact there are a number of ads currently acting as the sticky, smelly brown goo that hold together the segments of my preferred TV shows, that I find particularly irritating.For instance, the Target commercials with all that cutesy Betty Boop music chiming cheerily in the background as some lisp-y woman prattles on about “Frugalistas” - those are pretty damned annoying. Additionally, I’m not partial to the Geico commercials  which star the stack of bills with the googly eyeballs. What’s the deal with those? I mean how many different branding ideas does one company need? You’ve already got TWO solid concepts in the gecko and the cavemen, why get greedy? Besides, it’s such a lame and lazy addition to the group. Gecko/Geico, English accent: that’s clever. And the neurotic cavemen: even better. But this whole stack of bills with googly eyeballs thing is flimsy as hell. Look at Aflac, they came up with the Aflac duck and stuck with it. Hell, Charmin had Mr. Whipple for over 20 years. Stop futzing with it: pick one and leave us be.

Still, as far as annoying commercials go, the ads that really gnaw at my nutsack like a scurry of squirrels are the ones featuring that damnable, capitalist, scum sucking, golf playing devil spawn: The E*Trade baby!

I loathe the E*trade baby and I believe that he seriously deserves to be punted off the top of the New York Stock Exchange with a steel toed boot. He represents everything wrong with the world today, and he needs to be stopped from spreading his evil. He’s a snarky, insufferable prick, and the arrogant way he spouts off about “analytics” and mobile trading is smarmy and condescending. The whole idea of E*Trade is so bogus anyway, I mean,  it’s just about selling a bunch of schnooks some fairy tale pipe dream. They promise profitable investment opportunities and mega dividends a mere mouse click away, but all they’re really doing is scamming a bunch of overly ambitious innocents out of their hard earned money. No one’s going to get rich doing “analytics” and research! This idea of “winning the lottery” is what’s flushed this country down the toilet. Listen up everyone, embrace your dead end 9-5 jobs (if you’re lucky enough to have one) and stop obsessing over material things. Don’t listen to that creepy little shit, and go get a hobby if your life is a drag.

I admit I’m not a baby person. In fact I quite dislike them in general, but there’s something specifically poisonous about that golf loving E*Trade cherub that gets under my skin like a staph infection. He’s like some mini Gordon Gecko, or maybe even Rush Limbaugh, and he needs to be spanked vigorously and sent to bed without dinner.

I say “shame” on these E-investment companies and their unconscionable bilking of the American public. They try and put a sweet face on their nefarious machinations with that turd-y tot, but I see through their lies. Screw the E*Trade baby, if they really wanted an appropriate mascot, it would be a talking dildo, I mean at the very least we should all get some pleasure while we’re getting screwed.