Divorcing Husband: Because GEICO doesn’t insure brooms.

But seriously, folks… I want to talk to my fellow ex-wives for a moment. Does this music play whenever you enter a room in which your fellow co-parent is present?

Is this who you see when you look in the mirror?

Maybe not, but it may be who others see when they look at you. You may know her better as Elmira Gulch:

Like Elmira/The Wicked Witch of the West, you might have started out with a legitimate complaint. In The Wizard of Oz, Toto ruined Elmira’s garden and chased her cat. Elmira overreacted by getting an order from the sheriff allowing her to take Toto away to be killed. (Note to the Sheriff of Kansas: Um, shouldn’t you have gone to pick up Toto yourself? Imagine the fireworks if sheriffs routinely allowed ex-wives to serve their ex-husbands instead of service processors!) Later, in (|||spoiler alert!|||) Dorothy’s dream, Elmira/The Wicked Witch of the West is understandably upset when Dorothy’s house kills her sister. But does she accept that Things Happen, get grief counseling, and eventually Move On? Oh, no…what would be the fun in that!? Instead Elmira does what any bitter bitch would do: she conscripts an army of flying monkeys to do her revenge-seeking dirty work…and a child (well, Judy Garland with bandages wound tightly around her breasts) becomes her victim.

Perhaps you got the shaft in your divorce settlement, or even with a fair distribution, you’re still struggling financially. Perhaps your husband left you for someone else, and now that woman is your children’s stepmother. Perhaps you initiated the divorce after losing precious years of your life in a loveless marriage. You’ve got every right to be pissed; it’s just that you’ve taken your anger and frustration too far, and people, in this case, your children, end up getting hurt.

Lest anyone think I’m picking on ex-wives, let me say this: As both an ex-wife and a soon-to-be stepmom/second wife (with his ex in the picture), I’m on both sides of the fence. But the evil stepmother meme has already been done—for centuries. Moms/first wives behaving badly has gotten considerably less ink and key strokes. While stepmothers aren’t saints and neither gender has a monopoly on bad behavior–we all know co-parenting warlocks–research has shown that for divorced women, resentment lingers longer than it does for divorced men.

It’s not surprising then that, aside from questions about co-parenting with an addict, an abuser, or someone who is mentally ill, the “bitter ex-wife” query is the most persistent and most challenging one we receive at CoParenting101.org, and off-line. All any of us can do is control ourselves, keep the peace, and be the best parents and co-parents we can be, under the circumstances. The family court system may offer some relief, but it is flawed, inconsistent, and overburdened. Short of a sanity-inducing blow dart then, any change in That Ex-Wife ultimately has to come from within her.

Of course not every ex-wife is Elmira Gulch. But she does exist. Below are some tips to help you avoid being That Ex-Wife. Or, if you already are, here’s what you can do to retire your broom:

Understand WHO You are Hurting

We really need to print this on t-shirts and mugs: Bad-mouthing your ex to your kids hurts your kids, not your ex. Children identify with both parents, so telling them, with your words and actions, that you hate your ex, makes them feel like you hate half of them. It’s upsetting and confusing. If you hate Daddy, is it okay for them to love him? If they love him, are they betraying you…will you stop loving them? Kids should never feel conflicted about loving a parent or feel like they have to “earn” one parent’s love at the expense of the other. That’s heavy emotional pressure; why on Earth would a parent ask a child to bear it? Here’s why:

Understand THAT You are Hurting

When we fail to act like a grown-up and take charge of the emotional baggage in our lives, the burden can fall on our children. We must heal, for ourselves and to relieve them of this burden. On her candid life-after-divorce blog “My Life, Incomplete”, co-parenting mom Lauren Navratil observed, “I can’t heal until I hurt.” It’s so important to admit to ourselves the pain of the divorce, the disappointment, the blow to one’s confidence and self-esteem, so that we can come out on the other side of it.

Perhaps you are upset because your kids don’t realize how your ex wronged you, and you want them to identify with your plight: “How can they still love him after he did this to me!?” Because he’s still their father?

Maybe you secretly hate the fact that he’s landed on his feet post-divorce, and you’ve…crash landed. Perhaps you want “credit” from your kids for the sacrificing you’ve done, for robbing Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet, and for the crap you put up with in your marriage. Newsflash: Nobody’s kids are as appreciative as they’d like them to be until they are at least 35…and then only maybe. And the sacrifices we make in our children’s best interests are precisely that: sacrifices, not favors to be repaid. Sacrificing is what parents do without regard for pats on the back or “loyalty” from our kids.

So: You’re hurting. You’re struggling. You feel neglected, rejected, done wrong and unappreciated. There’s only one thing to do: (No, not the winged monkeys) Get help. Interfering with your child’s relationship with her other parent is no substitute for good therapy or a good vent session (or ten) with your best friend. Out of earshot of your kids, your ex can be all kinds of mf’s. So pull up your big girl panties, rebuild your life, and take care of yourself—for your own sake, and for your kids’.

Realize that Victimhood is Not Your Color

It’s so very tempting after a break up to blame everything on one’s ex. What better scapegoat. Everything is his fault and you take no responsibility for your circumstances. That makes him look like an asshole–which is what you want, right?–but it also makes you look like a victim who isn’t in charge of her own life. Perhaps you have been victimized, but don’t claim it as some kind of badge of honor. Every time you focus on what an asshole he is, you’re tightening your grip on your victimhood.

Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent.com gives this sage advice to fellow co-parents: “We must shed our victim and claim our power.” It’s true: Empowerment and Self-Determination look a lot better on you, especially as you are one of the two most important role models in your child’s life. Kids are always watching. What are they learning from your behavior? That mommy’s a perpetual victim who can’t affect change in her own life? Or that mommy can rise above tough circumstances? Do you want your kids to pity you, or to admire your tenacity and resourcefulness? What message do you want to send your children about women? That we are stereotypical shrews, weak, and completely ruled by our emotions? Or that we are just as capable as men are of navigating life’s rough patches with grace and self-control?

Understand the Real Message You are Sending

We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves.–Henri Frederic Amiel

If your ex initiated the break up, then every time you bad-mouth him to the kids or give him a hard time, you’re confirming for him that he made the right decision. Here’s what your on-going bitterness says about you: You’re immature, you’re miserable, and possibly, you’re not yet over your ex. That’s right. You can call him everything but a child of God and accuse him of all manner of slights and evils, but the fact that you are still talking about this YEARS after you broke up—and he’s not—says more about you than it does about him. It says that you can’t, or won’t, move on—which leads folks who know you (including your children if they are old enough and savvy enough) to wonder if you still have a thing for your ex. Think about it: If you’re convinced your children are old enough to sympathize with your grown-up gripes and be your emotional bellhop (Izzy Rose^TM), then they are probably old enough to suspect that at least some of your griping means that you haven’t gotten over Daddy. Not a good look, sis.

If you can’t keep your ex’s name out of your mouth, no one is fooled by the presence of your new boyfriend or husband—we all know what “rebound” means. If you really are over him, then act like it. Truly happy people aren’t petty, defensive, and difficult. If you want to convey the message that you’re really over this guy, and good riddance, then for God’s sake, stop talking about him! Just stop. If your words haven’t destroyed his relationship with your children by now, and a pox hasn’t fallen on his head, it ain’t gonna happen…so why are you still bitching? How about you leave his relationship with his kids between them, and you work on repairing the damage you’ve done to your relationship with your kids by bad-mouthing the only person in the world whom they love and with whom they identify as much and just as strongly as they do you.

Mind Your Business

Your kids complain to you about minor things that happen at Daddy’s house? Don’t get excited: They complain to him about you and things that happen at your house too. As long as everyone is happy and safe and well-cared-for, let it go.

Stop Obsessing Over His New Partner

The first step is admitting you have a problem. Who among us has not been at the very least a little curious about the new love of his life? If you are constantly thinking about her and wondering, “What’s so great about her? What has she got that I haven’t got?”, turn those questions on yourself: Are you overly concerned about Her because you don’t know, or have forgotten, what’s so great about you? If so, get in touch with your wonderfulness. If you aren’t sure what that is, then you really do need to spend more time focusing inwardly.

Perhaps “She” is a homewrecker, and you see her as the catalyst for your divorce. Even then, as hard as it may be to move on and accept her presence in your children’s lives, for them you must, eventually. You don’t have to be her best friend; just be civil. Keep your snide comments to yourself, and stop interrogating your children about Her and their interactions with her, unless you think they are in danger. And no, liking Daddy’s new partner isn’t dangerous for your children. Perhaps dangerous for your self-esteem, but you have to keep these things separate. Which brings us to:

Accept That While He Sucked as a Husband, He Rocks as a Dad

One co-parenting dad, “Bruce”, shared with us via CoParenting101.org: “It kills my ex-wife that I’m still being a good dad. Narcissist that she is, she can’t compute that I’m done with her, not our son.”

Bruce’s ex-wife resents his expressing concern about her allowing their young son to watch violent films with heavy sexual content. Her response: “I don’t have to listen to you. If you were really any kind of parent, you wouldn’t have left.” It’s hard for some women to accept when their husbands leave them/their marriage, but are dogged about maintaining a close relationship with their kids. Sad-but-true: It seems these moms would actually prefer that their exes be shitty, absentee fathers, so that they can publicly call him a louse and have everyone agree. But when dad continues to be present and active after the break up, what is glaringly obvious is that while he may have been a shitty husband, he’s got fatherhood down pat. And because some women, even if they initiated the divorce, would rather not process the pain of the break up, they broadcast their pain and rage via the new co-parenting relationship. They portray their ex as a “bad dad” even when nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes, this also happens when That Ex-Wife fails to…

Accept His Parental Authority and Concern, Not Just His Child Support Check

“Jason”, another co-parenting dad, told us: “My ex-wife doesn’t want me to say anything to my son about his failing grades at school. She says I’m too hard on him. She tells him this too, which completely undermines my attempts to help him get back on track. But then she flipped out when he went back to her house once wearing a t-shirt she didn’t approve of. That was my fault. I’m supposed to police his clothing, but I can’t hold him accountable for his grades. And God forbid I’m 10 seconds late with child support. Honestly, if she had her way, I’d never even see my kid. Just send a check every month.”

Like Bruce’s ex, Jason’s ex seems to think that divorce means he’s no longer entitled to parent. She wants to dole out the responsibilities she wants him to take on, while shutting him out of his child’s life in every other regard. As a wise rapper once said, your child is “not a paycheck.” And as such your ex will have relationship with your child, as well as the parental authority and concern that comes with that. While you both must respect boundaries, it’s unreasonable for you to think you can pick and choose how and when you’ll allow him to parent.

Remember That Living Well Really is the Best Revenge

Avoid what psychologist and family therapist Anne Bernstein calls “accusatory suffering,” which describes an ex continuing “to suffer in an attempt to exact revenge on those she feels have mistreated her…[In] her eyes, being happy or high functioning would let her off ex-husband off the hook. So she continues to do poorly, motivated by a desire to prove that she has been deeply wronged.”[1] As one stepmother observed of her husband’s ex, in the book Stepmonster: “It’s always the same. She’s the victim, and we’re the bad guys. We don’t believe it, and someday her own kid is not going to believe it either. So we’ll wait it out.”

If you really want to show him, put your broom down and free the winged monkeys of self-pity, bitterness, insecurity, and immaturity. Then grab the reins of your life and make the most of it. This is truly the best kind of revenge, and it’s the only kind that’s in the best interest of your children.

Source

Source

[1] See Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, PhD

These days, it seems that the Brits are on the cutting edge of divorce-related commerce.  From the folks across the pond who first brought us divorce cakes and divorce gift cards, we now have divorce gift registries.  Debenhams, a British department store chain recently launched a divorce gift list service in part to jump on the divorce celebration bandwagon, and in part to “provide assistance to someone who has had to divide the assets.”

Debenhams head of retail services Peter Moore notes that, “A divorce means that one partner will be leaving the marital home and therefore be left without any essentials in their new house…[A] divorce gift list means that family and friends can help the newly separated begin their new life.”  In addition to items like cookware, cutlery, glasses, bed linen, towels, and toasters, the Debenhams gift list includes starting over “essentials” such as large plasma screen TVs and computer games.

But what about the newly separated who are also parents?  What useful items might they need as they rebuild, heal, and help their child cope with their new reality, particularly if the children will be living between two households?

Here’s my list of essentials for a New Co-Parent’s Gift Registry:

Clothing and Miscellaneous

□ Kids’ socks, underwear, socks, shoes, socks, snow pants, socks, inhalers, toiletries, favorite bedtime books, and socks, enough for two households

□ 7 pairs of sweats so that at least you can change them during the early days of the break up when you just can’t muster the energy to put on real clothes

Services and Pharmaceuticals

□ Therapy…for everybody.

□ Trial subscription to Match.com or other dating service

□ Anti-depressants to be taken after seeing the dating prospects on Match.com or other dating service

□ Anti-depressants to be taken when the full impact of “I’m getting divorced” knocks you on your ass

□ 6-hours worth of sessions with a trained mediator, in an effort to avoid family court

□ The services of a translator for when you and your ex clearly aren’t speaking the same language

□ Vouchers for high-quality, unlimited childcare when you need a break, or when you need to spend some one-on-one time with one child in particular

□ A “Massage of the Month” membership

□ Weekly housekeeping and laundry service until the ink is dry on the divorce decree

Odds and Ends

□ Pre-paid calling cards totally 60,000 minutes for calls to your attorney, therapist, friends, relatives, and all the places you’ll need to change your name and/or mailing address.

□ Smelling salts in the event mediation fails and you recall your attorney’s hourly rate…and the fact that she charges just to read your emails.

□ Rose-colored glasses once you begin to transfer your life’s savings directly into your attorney’s kid’s college fund.

□ Ear plugs to block out unsolicited advice and gossip from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, strangers–anyone who wishes to turn your divorce into a reality TV show for their viewing pleasure.

Dining

□ A freezer full of homemade, organic, healthy, kid-friendly meals

□ A year’s supply of reusable or recyclable paper and plastic dishes and cutlery

□ Unlimited supply of beer to cry in until you’re done feeling sorry for yourself.  Recommended: any of the Belgian whites.

Books and Entertainment

□ A copy of Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life

□ A copy of Divorce Sucks: What To Do When Irreconcilable Differences, Lawyer Fees, and Your Ex’s Hollywood Wife Make You Miserable by Mary Jo Eustace, whose husband left her for Tori Spelling–to remind yourself that things could be worse.

□ For the kids, a copy of Mr. Rogers’ Let’s Talk About It: Divorce book, and the movie Mrs. Doubtfire (previewed by you, of course)

□ DVD of Kramer vs. Kramer for detailed instructions on how not to conduct your divorce proceedings

□ DVD of Love Actually to keep hope alive

□ And–what the heck?–a large plasma screen TV on which to watch the movies, because they totally count as therapy.

***

Well, that’s my list.  What would you include on a divorcing co-parent’s gift registry?

photo by ttnk

First things first: Let’s clear up any misconceptions you may have about Stepmother’s Milk, “a blog and resource site for the modern-day stepmom” founded by Izzy Rose.  Stepmother’s Milk is not, as I initially thought, a reference to breastfeeding.  (Don’t laugh: Izzy Rose’s husband thought the same thing.) What Stepmother’s Milk is is a haven for stepmoms.  Born of Rose’s personal experiences, Stepmother’s Milk is a place for venting and finding encouragement in the company of a knowing sisterhood.  As someone who will become a stepmom to two lovely girls, ages 11 and 13, in less than 3 months, I was eager to read Rose’s book The Package Deal: My (Not-So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom which tells the back story of how Stepmother’s Milk came to be as well as the gritty details of Rose’s first year as a stepmom.

Because I actually have “shot a tiny human out of my birth canal”, as Izzy–she writes so intimately, I feel that I can call her Izzy–as Izzy so eloquently put it; because I’m also mom to a child that I did not shoot out of my birth canal (my adopted daughter); because I’m just not Fun Monkey material (trust me: you have to read the book); and because I am in a long-distance relationship, my situation is very different from Izzy’s.  For example, my fiancé will become my children’s step-father, so in many ways, we’ll be in the step-parenting trenches together.  Nevertheless, Izzy’s adventures really resonated with me. There is much I have learned and will continue to learn about step-parenting.  I hope that along the way, I can embrace these lessons with even half the wit, self-awareness, and honesty Izzy has.

The Package Deal serves up the lessons Izzy has learned in the form of numbered “Rules” (”Stepmom Rule Number Two: Don’t act like a hostess, act like a mother.”)  interspersed throughout the narrative.  And what a funny, girlfriend-to-girlfriend narrative it is.  Izzy lays it bare about her at-times awkward and difficult transformation from being single-with-no-kids to joining the “traveling circus”: her stepsons aka “man-cubs”; her husband, Hank; his ex-wife, June; plus June’s husband and two children.   At the outset of the book, June and Hank are committed to an “all for one and one for all” co-parenting arrangement in which they agree to relocate if one of their careers demanded it, in the interest of keeping their family together.  And wouldn’t you know, shortly after Izzy accepted Hank’s marriage proposal, he got a better job offer.  Already anxious about what marrying into the traveling circus would mean for her, her relationship with Hank and with the man-cubs, Izzy wrestled with the pros and cons of a new life,  in a new city.

To the extent that Izzy throws a pity party in the wake of her life’s sudden change of course, it’s a hilarious and inspiring one.  She pokes fun at her own flair for the dramatic, writing candidly about living with two boys (stinky bodies and discipline), knowing when to enforce the house rules (”Stepmom Suggested Rule Number Three”), and when to “accept what is” and “surrender your expectations (”Stepmom Rules Six and Ten”, respectively).  Izzy describes losing herself for a few months after relocating to Austin, leaving behind her family, her career as a TV producer, and the city she loves, San Francisco.  Alongside the  moments of angst and the self-discovery, Izzy reveals her fabulous sense of style, how for a moment her therapist has to double as her new best friend, and how a failed search for a local stepmom support group led to the founding of StepmothersMilk.com.

Izzy borrowed the name “Stepmother’s Milk” from her own mother, who was also a stepmother (Izzy became a stepkid when her parents both remarried.)  Izzy’s mother and a group of fellow stepmoms regularly retreated to a neighborhood bar to “order rounds of very strong cocktails, and laugh and groan over their similar ’spilled milk.’”  One of the strong drinks they favored was renamed “Stepmother’s Milk,” and needing some became a code for needing an escape from the stresses at home.  Decades later, Izzy has brought this same spirit of community to cyberspace, and with The Package Deal, she’s written its manifesto.

In case you’re wondering, Izzy does provide the recipe for the real Stepmother’s Milk, a Ramos gin fizz which is a concoction featuring egg white and heavy cream, amongst other ingredients.  This doesn’t sound like my idea of comfort in a cup; then again, I’m partial to weak, frou-frou drinks.  But I digress…

I found so much wisdom in The Package Deal.  I’m seriously considering making screensavers out of several of Izzy’s Rules.  My hands-down favorite of the Rules, however, is Number Twenty, which is as much a general parenting rule as anything else: Don’t ask your kids to take care of your feelings.  They are not your emotional bellhops. This little gem I want to tattoo on the foreheads of some co-parents I know.

Oh, and as for the liquid incarnation of Stepmother’s Milk?  Make mine a strawberry-basil mojito.  Cheers!

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2010/01/07/a-long-swig-of-stepmothers-milk-a-review-of-the-package-deal-by-izzy-rose/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/12/29/10-co-parenting-resolutions-for-2010/ http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/12/29/10-co-parenting-resolutions-for-2010/#comments Wed, 30 Dec 2009 00:19:02 +0000 Deesha Philyaw http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/?p=235

As 2009 draws to a close, I’m just as susceptible to year-end Top 10 lists as the next pop culture junkie. I’m also fond of New Year’s Resolutions, so I’ve combined the two to bring you…

10 for 2010: Co-Parenting Resolutions for the New Year!

Drawing from the headlines of celebrity co-parenting “don’t’s”, the experiences of CoParenting101.org readers, and my own family’s journey, here’s a list of what to leave behind in ‘09 and ways to more effectively partner with your ex for your kids’ sake in 2010:

10. If I don’t have anything nice to say… What was up this year with celebrity co-parents??? First, back in August, actress Anne Heche, called her ex-husband a “lazy ass” on Letterman.  Heche shares custody of her son with this “lazy ass.” Then, actor Eddie Cibrian’s wife Brandi Glanville allegedly woke up their sleeping son with screams of “Daddy does not love you!” in the wake of their marriage ending amidst reports of Cibrian’s affair with his Lifetime* movie co-star Leeann Rimes.

Of this Co-parents Gone Wild behavior, my predecessor for this column said it best: “I understand bitter. I also understand the need to vent…But that’s what therapists and friends are for.”

As for those of us who aren’t on the B- and C-lists?  The same rules apply, of course. Have at it with all manner of ranting and bitching about your ex if you need to–out of earshot of the kids.  No kid wants to hear negative things said about her parent, especially from the mouth of her other parent. If there is a single co-parenting Golden Rule, it would have to be: Don’t bad-mouth your ex to or around your kids.

*As one my Tweeps on Twitter observed, “Apparently, Lifetime movie sets are hell on a marriage!” See also Spelling, Tori and McDermott, Dean

9. I will compartmentalize. This one’s for Brandi Glanville (allegedly).  Do everything in your power to keep your child’s relationship with your ex from being sullied by the muck of your unsuccessful relationship with your ex.  These are two separate relationships and should be treated as such.  Glanville may feel that Cibrian no longer loves her, but telling her son “Daddy does not love you” was way out of bounds, if true.

Remember that, in your child’s world, there are no sides-there are her parents, both of whom she should be free to love without fear, guilt, or pressure to be “loyal.”

8. I will love my children more than I might hate my ex. Don’t sacrifice your child’s well-being on the altar of your anger, hurt, and disappointment.

7. I will get help when I need it. So what do you do when you’re struggling with the demands of co-parenting with a difficult ex, or one you simply can’t stand the sight of, and your emotions threaten to take you under?  Reach out to friends and relatives who can support your desire for a peaceful and drama-free parenting partnership, i.e., not your sister who can’t stop saying, “I told you not to marry her in the first place.”  If need be, go beyond your immediate circle and seek out the services of a family counselor, mediator, divorce support group, or parenting coordinator.

6. I will make decisions about dating and remarriage that address my grown-up needs and my children’s best interests. Check out CoParenting101’s “Dating and Co-Parenting” resources, as well as step-dating resources from the Step and Blended Family Institute.

5. I will not use my child as a messenger between my ex and me. This one is self-explanatory.  See also #2 below.

4. I will take the long view and be a role model for my child via my co-parenting. WeParent.com founder Talibah Mbonisi offers this sage advice: “Parents, picture your children 30 years from now and ask yourself:  ‘What would I want my child to say about how I was with her other parent?  What lessons would I want my child to have learned through our co-parenting relationship?  How did I celebrate the part of him that is the other parent?’  By visioning like this, parents can create a powerful guidepost for navigating through the healing process.  It can serve as the inspiration they need when they feel they don’t have it within themselves.”

3. I will be as flexible as possible. Sometimes special occasions come up without any respect for your agreed-upon shared parenting schedule.  What do you do if Dad’s mother’s 60^th birthday bash is on Mom’s weekend?  Do you swap weekends, or does your child miss out on Grandma’s special day (assuming Mom isn’t invited, or doesn’t want to attend)?

On the other hand, sticking to the schedule might be for the best when parents continue to experience high levels of conflict and attempts at negotiation and compromise aren’t likely to end well.

2. I will communicate with my ex. And by communicate, I mean in person, by phone, via email, and/or via mediation, if need be.  Communication is key when parenting across two households, and children benefit when parents can share information about their development, needs, and activities. Look ahead at your calendar and be proactive. What special events, holidays, school breaks, potential schedule conflicts, travel plans, extra-curricular activities, unusual expenses, health and development issues, or other concerns need to be discussed?  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and all that.

In order to facilitate this communication, it may be necessary to do some repair work on your parenting partnership: extend an olive branch; ask for forgiveness, forgive; listen to your fellow co-parent’s concerns; share your own.  People often ask me how co-parents-who couldn’t sustain and get along in their prior intimate relationship-can possibly cooperate after a break-up.  My answer: The adults are no longer central to this new reality.  Take the focus off your unsuccessful intimate relationship, and place it where it belongs now: on your children.

1. Talk to your kids…and listen more than you talk. A post from Carolyn Grona, founder of the Grown Up Child, reminded me of the importance of checking in you’re your children, even when your co-parenting relationship, by all appearances, is going well.  In her post, Carolyn wrote: “Divorce in and of itself, emotionally hurts children.” Be open to hearing your kids’ true feelings about the break up, living between two households, and any recent developments (e.g., relocation, meeting Dad’s new girlfriend).

Be open even if what your child says is not what you want to hear, even if it means possibly re-evaluating your shared parenting arrangement or aspects of co-parenting partnership with your ex.  Ask open-ended questions, and give your children the time and freedom to answer honestly. Own up to any mistakes or oversights.  If an apology is warranted, give it. Affirm your right to make grown-up decisions that your child may or may not like, while also acknowledging your child’s right to her feelings about those decisions.

Like any resolution worth making, none of the above is necessarily easy.  But your kids are always worth the effort.

photo courtesy of optical illusion

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/12/29/10-co-parenting-resolutions-for-2010/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/12/14/twas-the-night-before-a-co-parenting-christmas/ http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/12/14/twas-the-night-before-a-co-parenting-christmas/#comments Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:52:30 +0000 Deesha Philyaw http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/?p=215

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through my ex’s house
Only three creatures were stirring:
Me, my ex, and his new spouse

‘Tis the season to get funny looks from people when they ask how my daughters and I will be spending the holidays.  A few offered “poor you” sentiments upon learning that I didn’t spend Thanksgiving with my children because they were with their father this year.  But mostly I get the funny looks when I say that for the 5^th year in a row, my ex, Mike, and I will both spend Christmas with the girls, this year at his house.

Last year, Mike and his then-girlfriend/now-wife Sherry spent part of Christmas Eve at my house.  They were here when the girls went, grudgingly, to bed.  They were here when the girls awoke, ecstatically, on Christmas morning.  We later went to my ex’s parents’ house to exchange gifts.  After that, the girls and I spent the rest of the evening with some close friends.

Co-parents spend the holiday season with their children in various ways.  Some alternate years for each of the major holidays they celebrate.  (The girls will be with me for Thanksgiving next year.)  Some parents set an agreed upon pick up/drop off time, so that their children can spend the day with both parents, separately.  Others stick to their set custody calendar; their children spend the day or days of the holiday with whichever parent is normally scheduled to have them at that time.

Our children have been very clear that one of the many hard things about our divorce is the “either-or”, “mom-or-dad” nature of their existence.  “We’re either with you, or with daddy,” my 11-year-old has said in exasperation on more than one occasion.  To address this, my ex and I share dinner with the girls from time to time; we both attend school and extracurricular events, making a point to sit together when possible; and every summer since our separation, we have taken a family trip.  This summer, our family trip included our significant others-his wife and my fiancé.  Spending Christmas together is another way we give our girls the “both/and” time with us that they crave.

Obviously, what works for us may not work for other families.  After a break-up, parents (or the courts) make a plan for the holidays that is practical; realistic, given the dynamics between the parents; and, ideally, in the best interest of their children.

One criticism I’ve heard of parents sharing holidays or vacationing together with the kids post-break-up is that doing so confuses kids or gives them false hope for reconciliation.  Based on our on-going communication with our kids, this has not been the case for our family.  If anything, I think it’s important for the adults involved to both be clear about what these interactions mean (and don’t mean), and for them to make sure they aren’t harboring a false hope for reconciliation.  Again, co-parents should do what is practical and realistic given their circumstances.

Finally, in addition to the funny looks during the holidays, I get this not-so-funny question: “If you and your ex can get along so well-well enough to spend Christmas together-why not just stay married?”  Though this a very presumptuous question, I answer it because doing so affords me the opportunity to make a salient point about co-parenting: My ex and I are able to share Christmas and interact peacefully throughout the year precisely because we are no longer married to each other.  The capital-I Issues that led to our break-up no longer haunt our dealings with each other.  And this is why we are able to co-parent the way we do: our interactions are all about the kids now, not us.

…And let me exclaim
Before you leave this site
Happy Co-Parenting to all
And to all, a goodnight.

photo by Sara Alfred

Depending on whom you ask, we either have Playmate/model/actress Shanna Moakler (ex-wife of Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker) or U.K. model Katie Price (ex-wife of Aussie singer Peter Andre) to thank for the recent trend in divorce celebrations.  Both women threw big bashes, with Moakler partying in Vegas, natch, while Price opted for what the London Evening Standard called “a 12-hour bender in Ibiza.”  But celebrities aren’t the only ones saying “goodbye” to matrimony and “hello” to a fresh start in a very public, very festive way.  You too can throw yourself a divorce party.

Divorceinfo.com offers a step-by-step divorce party guide, including:

~The ceremonial burning of your marriage license-CHECK

~Divorce movies (Divorceinfo.com recommends War of the Roses, Le Divorce, First Wives Club, or Waiting to Exhale)-CHECK

~Divorce songs.  I recommend “Not Gon’ Cry by Mary J. Blige from the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack.  (”Wasted my years/a fool of a wife/I should have left your ass a long time ago” has to be the greatest lyric in the annals of divorce song lyrics.)–CHECK

And what divorce party would be complete without the cake?  Looking for some divorce cake inspiration?  Here are 31 super-subtle possibilities,  including a graveyard cake with your wedding ring in casket, all set for burial.  ‘Cause your marriage is dead…get it??  But my personal favorite has to be the one with the confectionary divorced dude getting what appears to be a blowjob from a confectionary blonde.  In a confectionary hot tub, of course.  Talk about getting the divorce party started right!  Har, har, har.

But seriously, folks: While I didn’t have a divorce cake or a divorce party, I can relate to the thinking and emotions behind them. (Well, I can relate to the desire to move on and mark a new chapter in one’s life—not the blood splattered brides and grooms nor the embedded knives.)  And to be sure, when parents can cope and heal from the aftermath of divorce, they are in a better position to help their children do the same. Divorce parties and cakes, with their broad humor, might just help some parents along in the healing process.

U.K. cakemaker Fay Millar explains, “Some people might consider it crass and insensitive while others may view it as a fitting end to a period in their lives—as well as a chance to have a good party. I like to introduce humor rather than something too sober or vindictive so I use lots of figurines interacting with each other. Divorce can be a horrible thing but I would like to think comical divorce cakes can help lighten the mood a little.”

But not everyone is laughing.  Remarking on “Till Death Do Us Party” at The Daily Mail online, a commenter named “ap” notes:

No dignity. All these cakes show scenes of violence (mainly by women in the photos shown) - I assume that many of the cakes will be ordered by the same women who claim that they don’t bad-mouth their ex-husbands in front of the children. I take it that those children will get to see these cakes (if only accidentally-on purpose) and maybe even get a slice while mum is having a good natter about scary concepts such as “control” and “abuse” to their friends.  The attitude that leads to buying such a cake in the first place does not stay hidden - what message does that give the children?

I share ap’s concern about children of divorce. Even if divorce spares children their parents’ fighting, the process and the fallout still take an emotional toll.  As Carolyn Grona, an adult child of divorce and founder of the online community The Grown Up Child, shares:

“I understand my parent’s divorce. It doesn’t make me angry and I’ve never once in my whole life wished for them to reconcile. I do not believe that parents should remain in unhappy or conflictual marriages for the sake of their children…But does any of that mean my parents’ divorce didn’t hurt me?  Of course not. It hurt me on a fundamental level. My parent’s divorce shattered my core senses of stability, family and love.  I was no longer a kid simply worrying about kid things. Suddenly I was navigating immense changes to my family while realizing it would never look or feel the same again. From then on, I was always either missing my dad or missing my mom.  My belief in unconditional love came to a screeching halt and I started to wonder what might negate their love for me too. And the fact that my parents never talked badly about one another and never involved me in anything inappropriate didn’t help me deal with any of those emotions.”

So divorce-party on, Mom and Dad, but kindly keep the festivities to yourself because your child is probably in no mood to celebrate.

What do you think of divorce cakes?  Fun, tacky, or both?  Did you have a divorce party?  Tell us about it.

Photo by SaintPo2007

I read with interest a recent post on the New York Times’ Motherlode blog, “More Fathers Are Getting Custody in Divorce.”  In it, blogger Lisa Belkin discusses an article appearing in Working Mother magazine called “Custody Lost”.  Here’s an excerpt from the blog (which itself includes an excerpt from the Working Mother article):

The “tender-years doctrine,” a court presumption that mothers are the more suitable parents for children under 7, was abolished in most states in 1994. And, in large part because of the recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the work force for the first time in American history. Job layoffs affecting more men than women have yielded a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.

“Men are now able to argue that they spend more time with the kids than their working wives do,” says the veteran New York City divorce attorney Raoul Felder. “This is one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace - they’re getting a raw deal in custody cases, while men are being viewed more favorably.”

Or is it a raw deal? Is it not, in effect, the same presumption - the parent who works harder, parents less - that men have faced for years? You could make that argument, Abrahms says. You could also argue that working women are held to a higher parenting standard than working men, paying a price for not conforming to the cultural expectation that mothers be more hands-on than fathers.

Let me preface my comments by saying first that I believe joint custody should be granted except in situations where such an arrangement is detrimental to the kids (e.g., high-conflict parents who can’t even agree on the weather; physical and/or emotional abuse or neglect; substance abuse).  Also, I sympathize with any competent parent who does not have the parenting time they desire with their children.

All that said…

Dads aren’t moms; they’re dads. The term “Mr. Mom” reflects and reinforces the notion that men aren’t suppose to care for their own children, and that when they do so, they are acting like moms and not as active fathers.  “Mr. Mom” makes as much sense as referring to a dad being at home with his kids as “babysitting.” This kind of thinking is in part what created the “tender-years” doctrine.  “Mr. Mom” embraces the cultural expectation that fathers are less hands-on than mothers, so I find Abrahms’s use of it problematic in an article in which the central criticism is aimed at gender-based biases and expectations.

“…one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace” What about the dark side for the stay-at-home moms (and dads) who have lost earning potential and are re-entering the workforce for the first time in years with that big gap on their resumés to explain?  The ones who must negotiate childcare, perhaps for the first time, while watching their standard of living go into free-fall–in this economy.  What about those who are granted primary or joint custody but do not receive hefty child or spousal support payments? The moms who, unemployed or not, get a “raw deal” in the divorce simply because their ex had a better attorney, or some other reason that has nothing to do with fairness or children’s best interests.  Now I’m the last person to lob a volley in the Mommy Wars, so my intention is not to rank women’s choices and experiences.  But I do want to say what the article does not: that divorce can be a losing proposition for women, period, regardless of their employment status.

Another excerpt:

Faced with time constraints that make it virtually impossible to get to know the families who appear before them, judges rely on certain assumptions. “When a judge sees a mother who’s working longer hours to support her family, the judge will have a harder time awarding her primary custody,” says Randy Kessler, a prominent divorce lawyer in Atlanta and vice chair of the American Bar Association’s Family Law Section.

Historically, time-crunched or just plain old biased judges have made presumptions that did not favor fathers, i.e., that they are not important caregivers in their children’s lives or not as bonded to their kids as mothers are.  It’s not surprising then that  about 75% of sole physical custody awards are made to mothers, 11% to fathers, and joint custody awards account for the remainder of cases.

But two wrongs don’t make a right.  The larger problem, then, isn’t this new plight of divorced, working mothers.  Rather, it’s the same old failings of a flawed family court system.

Fred Campos, founder of Daddy Got Custody LLC, agrees:  “This is nothing new.  It is just brought to light more now that more people are out of work. Courts have always favored kid-centric parents that have more free time to be at home. Until about 10 years ago, this was usually always the moms. Now that more men are working at home, unemployed, or utilizing a home office, the pendulum is swinging the other way. Nothing has changed-courts still feel stay-at-home parents are always better than working ones. It was unfair then, and it is unfair today.”

The article does offer some advice that’s not new, but that never gets old:

Many of us are looking at custody the wrong way, maintains Barbara Glesner Fines, a noted law professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Law. “The question shouldn’t be ‘How can I get or win custody?’ but rather ‘How can I make sure this re-formed family will function in a way that is good for the kids?’ Divorce is just the beginning of a lifetime of parenting your children with this other person. You’ve got to make that work.”

Photo by hyperscholar

With nearly all 50 states reporting widespread flu activity and young children being among those most susceptible to serious complications from the H1N1 virus, some parents want to get their children vaccinated and are frustrated by the scarce supply of the vaccine.  Other parents are just as worried about their children contracting “swine flu”, but are also concerned about the safety and efficacy of the vaccine.  What happens when parents on different sides of this issue are parenting the same child?

As with other major, child-related issues for parents with shared custody, whether to vaccinate or not must be made as a joint decision. Stumped as to how to talk to your ex about the H1N1 vaccine? Here are some suggestions for facilitating the conversation:

*Listen as much as you talk. Each parent’s questions, concerns, and opinions need to be addressed in order for an agreement to be reached.

*Do your homework about H1N1 and the pros and cons of the vaccine.

*Consult your child’s pediatrician together.

*Ask yourself, “How would we have handled this if we were still together?”

*The vaccine question aside, discuss flu prevention measures, such as frequent hand-washing, that you can each take in your respective households to promote good health during flu season.

*Most importantly, remember that this is not the time to grind the ax of your grown-up conflicts.  Stick to the matter at hand: Your child’s health and best interests.

Photo by deergus

You can’t see me, but believe me when I tell you that I’m holding my nose as I write this: I actually have something positive to say about Jon and Kate and one aspect of how they are parenting their “8″ in the midst of their divorce proceedings.  Jon recently told PopEater.com that despite the ugliness between him and Kate, they are spending the holidays together with the kids so that “they have the sense of security with everything that’s going on.”  This is such a co-parenting “win”-for parents to allow their children to enjoy as many family traditions and routines as possible after a break-up-that I’m putting aside my earlier moratorium on writing about Jon and Kate in order to give them much-deserved kudos.

If you are familiar with CoParenting101.org, the site I co-founded with my ex-husband, you’ll know that on principle we’ve shied away from writing about this trainwreck of a break-up.  We felt that the Gosselins should have pulled the plug on their show, Jon & Kate Plus 8. We know from our family’s experience that divorce without cameras rolling is traumatic enough for kids.  Having it unfold on reality TV for the nation’s entertainment is just pouring salt in the wound-not to mention, irresponsible parenting.

But I like to give credit where it’s due, and I’m trusting that the kids won’t be subjected to A Very Special Jon & Kate Plus 8: A Gosselin Family Christmas.  In fact, I’m rooting for Jon and Kate to use the holidays as an opportunity to turn over a new leaf and embrace other core co-parenting principles.  Up until now, they have been a study in how not to co-parent, publicly at least.  It seems that Jon and his various paramours have gone out of their way to put his dating life front and center far too soon after the Gosselin separation-and, well, before the Gosselin separation.  Further, Jon and Kate both have skewered each other in interviews.  This public sniping and Jon’s pathetic “Dad Gone Wild” displays certainly aren’t in the best interest of their children.

Even if Jon and Kate have somehow managed to keep their moppets away from the ubiquitous tabloid and TV coverage of their messy divorce, all it takes is for one classmate to spill the beans.  Have Jon and Kate forgotten how cruel kids can be?

Unfortunately, given Jon’s $5 million counter-suit against TLC for “interfering with potential business opportunities”, and TLC’s suit against him for breach of contract, he doesn’t appear to be shutting up any time soon. For her part, Kate has insisted that her kids aren’t hurt by the TV show and the media focus on their parents’ nasty divorce.  On TLC’s Very Special You Ask, Kate Answers special, she responded to viewers’ questions about her children’s welfare, saying, “They’re not suffering from this.”  She also believes that it’s too late to give her children the privacy they deserve.  Earlier this month, in still another Very Special interview on TLC, Kate Gosselin: Her Story, she explained: “We’re too far gone. Stepping out of the spotlight when it’s prudent to do so is a good thing.”

It’s never too late to try to do better by your kids, Kate.  (That’s one of those pesky co-parenting principles you’ve been ignoring.) You might have gone too far, and some child psychologists speculate that your kids may even be experiencing “withdrawal” at the idea of losing the nice cars and other luxuries that come with the show.  But it’s up to you and Jon to be grown-up enough to say…enough.

Hope springs eternal, and for the sake of their kids, I’ve got my fingers crossed that Jon and Kate will celebrate the holidays and ring in 2010 with a self-imposed media blackout, that the “alleged” show finale airing on November 23 really will be The End, and that TLC really has put the kibosh on the proposed Kate Plus 8.

Ultimately, it may be their tarnished “brand” and the turning tide of public opinion, and not a sudden case of conscience, that will force Jon and Kate to do the right thing.

Photo by connectionsprep

]]> http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/11/18/adventures-in-how-not-to-co-parentstarring-jon-kate/feed/ http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/08/27/is-%e2%80%9clazy-ass%e2%80%9c-preferable-to-inappropriate-name-calling-yep/ http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/2009/08/27/is-%e2%80%9clazy-ass%e2%80%9c-preferable-to-inappropriate-name-calling-yep/#comments Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:33:46 +0000 Mary Pols http://thefastertimes.com/coparenting/?p=69

Anne and the "Lazy Ass" in less lazy, happier times.

I took a brief break from my obsessive passing-of-Ted Kennedy-coverage watching yesterday to check out a sad, weird clip of Anne Heche complaining about her “lazy ass” ex-husband Coley Laffoon on the Letterman show. They share custody of their 7 year-old son Homer. She pays him child support, a reported $3,700 a month. When Letterman asked her about what Laffoon does to stay busy, she said he goes out to the mailbox, opens the little door and takes out checks from her.

Then she complained that Laffoon has taken up coaching soccer (perhaps even their child’s team, although it wasn’t clear during the interview) and keeps wanting her to come see him running around the soccer field in shorts. She wants no part of that kind of activity, she said. “I divorced you,” she announces. As in, I never want to see you again.

What the hell was she thinking? Granted the “Hung” star doesn’t have a history of clear thinking (see wandering in the Central Valley episode, 2000, post breakup with Ellen DeGeneres), but this was beyond idiotic. Yes she’s moved on, and has a relationship and a baby with her co-star from “Men in Trees,” James Tupper (who has his own ex and kids to deal with) but Homer, presumably, has not moved on. He’s probably still pretty interested in having a relationship with his father. Likely he loves Laffoon quite a bit. He might even, in the future, like to have both his mother and father attending his sporting events.

I understand bitter. I also understand the need to vent. She’s obviously frustrated about her financial situation. She’s a gifted actress, but she probably doesn’t make as much money as we all think of notable (albeit B list) Hollywood stars as making. She probably doesn’t want to give any of it to Laffoon, who was a cameraman when she met him, comes from a more than middle class family (his dad was high up in the now-dismantled Knight Ridder media company) and looks capable of earning a few bucks on his own. (According to US Weekly, he’s selling real estate in LA).

But that’s what therapists and friends are for. Letterman’s shoulder is not the one to cry on. He doesn’t give a crap about her problems. I’m surprised he didn’t steer the conversation away, instead of encouraging Heche to go on trashing Laffoon. And I don’t care how much of a toad Laffoon is or isn’t. He didn’t deserve that. Nor did the child they share.

And what’s the net result? Is she going to get out of paying the child support? No. The best result she might expect out of this is an end to the invitations to come to those soccer games. But that’s small consolation when you’ve just made yourself look like an absolute jerk. Maybe this was the work of that alternate personality of hers, “Celestia,” who supposedly vanished shortly after the Central Valley episode - I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the excuse she eventually offers. She definitely owes Laffoon an apology, in a setting just as public as the Letterman Show. Then she needs to figure out a way to make it right with her little boy, because unless she sends him to live with Celestia on Mars, he’s going to someday see that Letterman Show. And he’s going to feel terrible about it.