Judge to Divorcing Husband, regarding alimony:Why do you say her car insurance is a bogus expense?

Divorcing Husband: Because GEICO doesn’t insure brooms.

But seriously, folks… I want to talk to my fellow ex-wives for a moment. Does this music play whenever you enter a room in which your fellow co-parent is present?

Is this who you see when you look in the mirror?

Maybe not, but it may be who others see when they look at you. You may know her better as Elmira Gulch:

Like Elmira/The Wicked Witch of the West, you might have started out with a legitimate complaint. In The Wizard of Oz, Toto ruined Elmira’s garden and chased her cat. Elmira overreacted by getting an order from the sheriff allowing her to take Toto away to be killed. (Note to the Sheriff of Kansas: Um, shouldn’t you have gone to pick up Toto yourself? Imagine the fireworks if sheriffs routinely allowed ex-wives to serve their ex-husbands instead of service processors!) Later, in (|||spoiler alert!|||) Dorothy’s dream, Elmira/The Wicked Witch of the West is understandably upset when Dorothy’s house kills her sister. But does she accept that Things Happen, get grief counseling, and eventually Move On? Oh, no…what would be the fun in that!? Instead Elmira does what any bitter bitch would do: she conscripts an army of flying monkeys to do her revenge-seeking dirty work…and a child (well, Judy Garland with bandages wound tightly around her breasts) becomes her victim.

Perhaps you got the shaft in your divorce settlement, or even with a fair distribution, you’re still struggling financially. Perhaps your husband left you for someone else, and now that woman is your children’s stepmother. Perhaps you initiated the divorce after losing precious years of your life in a loveless marriage. You’ve got every right to be pissed; it’s just that you’ve taken your anger and frustration too far, and people, in this case, your children, end up getting hurt.

Lest anyone think I’m picking on ex-wives, let me say this: As both an ex-wife and a soon-to-be stepmom/second wife (with his ex in the picture), I’m on both sides of the fence. But the evil stepmother meme has already been done—for centuries. Moms/first wives behaving badly has gotten considerably less ink and key strokes. While stepmothers aren’t saints and neither gender has a monopoly on bad behavior–we all know co-parenting warlocks–research has shown that for divorced women, resentment lingers longer than it does for divorced men.

It’s not surprising then that, aside from questions about co-parenting with an addict, an abuser, or someone who is mentally ill, the “bitter ex-wife” query is the most persistent and most challenging one we receive at CoParenting101.org, and off-line. All any of us can do is control ourselves, keep the peace, and be the best parents and co-parents we can be, under the circumstances. The family court system may offer some relief, but it is flawed, inconsistent, and overburdened. Short of a sanity-inducing blow dart then, any change in That Ex-Wife ultimately has to come from within her.

Of course not every ex-wife is Elmira Gulch. But she does exist. Below are some tips to help you avoid being That Ex-Wife. Or, if you already are, here’s what you can do to retire your broom:

Understand WHO You are Hurting

We really need to print this on t-shirts and mugs: Bad-mouthing your ex to your kids hurts your kids, not your ex. Children identify with both parents, so telling them, with your words and actions, that you hate your ex, makes them feel like you hate half of them. It’s upsetting and confusing. If you hate Daddy, is it okay for them to love him? If they love him, are they betraying you…will you stop loving them? Kids should never feel conflicted about loving a parent or feel like they have to “earn” one parent’s love at the expense of the other. That’s heavy emotional pressure; why on Earth would a parent ask a child to bear it? Here’s why:

Understand THAT You are Hurting

When we fail to act like a grown-up and take charge of the emotional baggage in our lives, the burden can fall on our children. We must heal, for ourselves and to relieve them of this burden. On her candid life-after-divorce blog “My Life, Incomplete”, co-parenting mom Lauren Navratil observed, “I can’t heal until I hurt.” It’s so important to admit to ourselves the pain of the divorce, the disappointment, the blow to one’s confidence and self-esteem, so that we can come out on the other side of it.

Perhaps you are upset because your kids don’t realize how your ex wronged you, and you want them to identify with your plight: “How can they still love him after he did this to me!?” Because he’s still their father?

Maybe you secretly hate the fact that he’s landed on his feet post-divorce, and you’ve…crash landed. Perhaps you want “credit” from your kids for the sacrificing you’ve done, for robbing Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet, and for the crap you put up with in your marriage. Newsflash: Nobody’s kids are as appreciative as they’d like them to be until they are at least 35…and then only maybe. And the sacrifices we make in our children’s best interests are precisely that: sacrifices, not favors to be repaid. Sacrificing is what parents do without regard for pats on the back or “loyalty” from our kids.

So: You’re hurting. You’re struggling. You feel neglected, rejected, done wrong and unappreciated. There’s only one thing to do: (No, not the winged monkeys) Get help. Interfering with your child’s relationship with her other parent is no substitute for good therapy or a good vent session (or ten) with your best friend. Out of earshot of your kids, your ex can be all kinds of mf’s. So pull up your big girl panties, rebuild your life, and take care of yourself—for your own sake, and for your kids’.

Realize that Victimhood is Not Your Color

It’s so very tempting after a break up to blame everything on one’s ex. What better scapegoat. Everything is his fault and you take no responsibility for your circumstances. That makes him look like an asshole–which is what you want, right?–but it also makes you look like a victim who isn’t in charge of her own life. Perhaps you have been victimized, but don’t claim it as some kind of badge of honor. Every time you focus on what an asshole he is, you’re tightening your grip on your victimhood.

Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent.com gives this sage advice to fellow co-parents: “We must shed our victim and claim our power.” It’s true: Empowerment and Self-Determination look a lot better on you, especially as you are one of the two most important role models in your child’s life. Kids are always watching. What are they learning from your behavior? That mommy’s a perpetual victim who can’t affect change in her own life? Or that mommy can rise above tough circumstances? Do you want your kids to pity you, or to admire your tenacity and resourcefulness? What message do you want to send your children about women? That we are stereotypical shrews, weak, and completely ruled by our emotions? Or that we are just as capable as men are of navigating life’s rough patches with grace and self-control?

Understand the Real Message You are Sending

We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves.–Henri Frederic Amiel

If your ex initiated the break up, then every time you bad-mouth him to the kids or give him a hard time, you’re confirming for him that he made the right decision. Here’s what your on-going bitterness says about you: You’re immature, you’re miserable, and possibly, you’re not yet over your ex. That’s right. You can call him everything but a child of God and accuse him of all manner of slights and evils, but the fact that you are still talking about this YEARS after you broke up—and he’s not—says more about you than it does about him. It says that you can’t, or won’t, move on—which leads folks who know you (including your children if they are old enough and savvy enough) to wonder if you still have a thing for your ex. Think about it: If you’re convinced your children are old enough to sympathize with your grown-up gripes and be your emotional bellhop (Izzy Rose^TM), then they are probably old enough to suspect that at least some of your griping means that you haven’t gotten over Daddy. Not a good look, sis.

If you can’t keep your ex’s name out of your mouth, no one is fooled by the presence of your new boyfriend or husband—we all know what “rebound” means. If you really are over him, then act like it. Truly happy people aren’t petty, defensive, and difficult. If you want to convey the message that you’re really over this guy, and good riddance, then for God’s sake, stop talking about him! Just stop. If your words haven’t destroyed his relationship with your children by now, and a pox hasn’t fallen on his head, it ain’t gonna happen…so why are you still bitching? How about you leave his relationship with his kids between them, and you work on repairing the damage you’ve done to your relationship with your kids by bad-mouthing the only person in the world whom they love and with whom they identify as much and just as strongly as they do you.

Mind Your Business

Your kids complain to you about minor things that happen at Daddy’s house? Don’t get excited: They complain to him about you and things that happen at your house too. As long as everyone is happy and safe and well-cared-for, let it go.

Stop Obsessing Over His New Partner

The first step is admitting you have a problem. Who among us has not been at the very least a little curious about the new love of his life? If you are constantly thinking about her and wondering, “What’s so great about her? What has she got that I haven’t got?”, turn those questions on yourself: Are you overly concerned about Her because you don’t know, or have forgotten, what’s so great about you? If so, get in touch with your wonderfulness. If you aren’t sure what that is, then you really do need to spend more time focusing inwardly.

Perhaps “She” is a homewrecker, and you see her as the catalyst for your divorce. Even then, as hard as it may be to move on and accept her presence in your children’s lives, for them you must, eventually. You don’t have to be her best friend; just be civil. Keep your snide comments to yourself, and stop interrogating your children about Her and their interactions with her, unless you think they are in danger. And no, liking Daddy’s new partner isn’t dangerous for your children. Perhaps dangerous for your self-esteem, but you have to keep these things separate. Which brings us to:

Accept That While He Sucked as a Husband, He Rocks as a Dad

One co-parenting dad, “Bruce”, shared with us via CoParenting101.org: “It kills my ex-wife that I’m still being a good dad. Narcissist that she is, she can’t compute that I’m done with her, not our son.”

Bruce’s ex-wife resents his expressing concern about her allowing their young son to watch violent films with heavy sexual content. Her response: “I don’t have to listen to you. If you were really any kind of parent, you wouldn’t have left.” It’s hard for some women to accept when their husbands leave them/their marriage, but are dogged about maintaining a close relationship with their kids. Sad-but-true: It seems these moms would actually prefer that their exes be shitty, absentee fathers, so that they can publicly call him a louse and have everyone agree. But when dad continues to be present and active after the break up, what is glaringly obvious is that while he may have been a shitty husband, he’s got fatherhood down pat. And because some women, even if they initiated the divorce, would rather not process the pain of the break up, they broadcast their pain and rage via the new co-parenting relationship. They portray their ex as a “bad dad” even when nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes, this also happens when That Ex-Wife fails to…

Accept His Parental Authority and Concern, Not Just His Child Support Check

“Jason”, another co-parenting dad, told us: “My ex-wife doesn’t want me to say anything to my son about his failing grades at school. She says I’m too hard on him. She tells him this too, which completely undermines my attempts to help him get back on track. But then she flipped out when he went back to her house once wearing a t-shirt she didn’t approve of. That was my fault. I’m supposed to police his clothing, but I can’t hold him accountable for his grades. And God forbid I’m 10 seconds late with child support. Honestly, if she had her way, I’d never even see my kid. Just send a check every month.”

Like Bruce’s ex, Jason’s ex seems to think that divorce means he’s no longer entitled to parent. She wants to dole out the responsibilities she wants him to take on, while shutting him out of his child’s life in every other regard. As a wise rapper once said, your child is “not a paycheck.” And as such your ex will have relationship with your child, as well as the parental authority and concern that comes with that. While you both must respect boundaries, it’s unreasonable for you to think you can pick and choose how and when you’ll allow him to parent.

Remember That Living Well Really is the Best Revenge

Avoid what psychologist and family therapist Anne Bernstein calls “accusatory suffering,” which describes an ex continuing “to suffer in an attempt to exact revenge on those she feels have mistreated her…[In] her eyes, being happy or high functioning would let her off ex-husband off the hook. So she continues to do poorly, motivated by a desire to prove that she has been deeply wronged.”[1] As one stepmother observed of her husband’s ex, in the book Stepmonster: “It’s always the same. She’s the victim, and we’re the bad guys. We don’t believe it, and someday her own kid is not going to believe it either. So we’ll wait it out.”

If you really want to show him, put your broom down and free the winged monkeys of self-pity, bitterness, insecurity, and immaturity. Then grab the reins of your life and make the most of it. This is truly the best kind of revenge, and it’s the only kind that’s in the best interest of your children.

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[1] See Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, PhD