As 2009 draws to a close, I’m just as susceptible to year-end Top 10 lists as the next pop culture junkie. I’m also fond of New Year’s Resolutions, so I’ve combined the two to bring you…

10 for 2010: Co-Parenting Resolutions for the New Year!

Drawing from the headlines of celebrity co-parenting “don’t’s”, the experiences of CoParenting101.org readers, and my own family’s journey, here’s a list of what to leave behind in ‘09 and ways to more effectively partner with your ex for your kids’ sake in 2010:

10. If I don’t have anything nice to say… What was up this year with celebrity co-parents??? First, back in August, actress Anne Heche, called her ex-husband a “lazy ass” on Letterman.  Heche shares custody of her son with this “lazy ass.” Then, actor Eddie Cibrian’s wife Brandi Glanville allegedly woke up their sleeping son with screams of “Daddy does not love you!” in the wake of their marriage ending amidst reports of Cibrian’s affair with his Lifetime* movie co-star Leeann Rimes.

Of this Co-parents Gone Wild behavior, my predecessor for this column said it best: “I understand bitter. I also understand the need to vent…But that’s what therapists and friends are for.”

As for those of us who aren’t on the B- and C-lists?  The same rules apply, of course. Have at it with all manner of ranting and bitching about your ex if you need to–out of earshot of the kids.  No kid wants to hear negative things said about her parent, especially from the mouth of her other parent. If there is a single co-parenting Golden Rule, it would have to be: Don’t bad-mouth your ex to or around your kids.

*As one my Tweeps on Twitter observed, “Apparently, Lifetime movie sets are hell on a marriage!” See also Spelling, Tori and McDermott, Dean

9. I will compartmentalize. This one’s for Brandi Glanville (allegedly).  Do everything in your power to keep your child’s relationship with your ex from being sullied by the muck of your unsuccessful relationship with your ex.  These are two separate relationships and should be treated as such.  Glanville may feel that Cibrian no longer loves her, but telling her son “Daddy does not love you” was way out of bounds, if true.

Remember that, in your child’s world, there are no sides-there are her parents, both of whom she should be free to love without fear, guilt, or pressure to be “loyal.”

8. I will love my children more than I might hate my ex. Don’t sacrifice your child’s well-being on the altar of your anger, hurt, and disappointment.

7. I will get help when I need it. So what do you do when you’re struggling with the demands of co-parenting with a difficult ex, or one you simply can’t stand the sight of, and your emotions threaten to take you under?  Reach out to friends and relatives who can support your desire for a peaceful and drama-free parenting partnership, i.e., not your sister who can’t stop saying, “I told you not to marry her in the first place.”  If need be, go beyond your immediate circle and seek out the services of a family counselor, mediator, divorce support group, or parenting coordinator.

6. I will make decisions about dating and remarriage that address my grown-up needs and my children’s best interests. Check out CoParenting101’s “Dating and Co-Parenting” resources, as well as step-dating resources from the Step and Blended Family Institute.

5. I will not use my child as a messenger between my ex and me. This one is self-explanatory.  See also #2 below.

4. I will take the long view and be a role model for my child via my co-parenting. WeParent.com founder Talibah Mbonisi offers this sage advice: “Parents, picture your children 30 years from now and ask yourself:  ‘What would I want my child to say about how I was with her other parent?  What lessons would I want my child to have learned through our co-parenting relationship?  How did I celebrate the part of him that is the other parent?’  By visioning like this, parents can create a powerful guidepost for navigating through the healing process.  It can serve as the inspiration they need when they feel they don’t have it within themselves.”

3. I will be as flexible as possible. Sometimes special occasions come up without any respect for your agreed-upon shared parenting schedule.  What do you do if Dad’s mother’s 60^th birthday bash is on Mom’s weekend?  Do you swap weekends, or does your child miss out on Grandma’s special day (assuming Mom isn’t invited, or doesn’t want to attend)?

On the other hand, sticking to the schedule might be for the best when parents continue to experience high levels of conflict and attempts at negotiation and compromise aren’t likely to end well.

2. I will communicate with my ex. And by communicate, I mean in person, by phone, via email, and/or via mediation, if need be.  Communication is key when parenting across two households, and children benefit when parents can share information about their development, needs, and activities. Look ahead at your calendar and be proactive. What special events, holidays, school breaks, potential schedule conflicts, travel plans, extra-curricular activities, unusual expenses, health and development issues, or other concerns need to be discussed?  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and all that.

In order to facilitate this communication, it may be necessary to do some repair work on your parenting partnership: extend an olive branch; ask for forgiveness, forgive; listen to your fellow co-parent’s concerns; share your own.  People often ask me how co-parents-who couldn’t sustain and get along in their prior intimate relationship-can possibly cooperate after a break-up.  My answer: The adults are no longer central to this new reality.  Take the focus off your unsuccessful intimate relationship, and place it where it belongs now: on your children.

1. Talk to your kids…and listen more than you talk. A post from Carolyn Grona, founder of the Grown Up Child, reminded me of the importance of checking in you’re your children, even when your co-parenting relationship, by all appearances, is going well.  In her post, Carolyn wrote: “Divorce in and of itself, emotionally hurts children.” Be open to hearing your kids’ true feelings about the break up, living between two households, and any recent developments (e.g., relocation, meeting Dad’s new girlfriend).

Be open even if what your child says is not what you want to hear, even if it means possibly re-evaluating your shared parenting arrangement or aspects of co-parenting partnership with your ex.  Ask open-ended questions, and give your children the time and freedom to answer honestly. Own up to any mistakes or oversights.  If an apology is warranted, give it. Affirm your right to make grown-up decisions that your child may or may not like, while also acknowledging your child’s right to her feelings about those decisions.

Like any resolution worth making, none of the above is necessarily easy.  But your kids are always worth the effort.

photo courtesy of optical illusion