‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through my ex’s house
Only three creatures were stirring:
Me, my ex, and his new spouse

‘Tis the season to get funny looks from people when they ask how my daughters and I will be spending the holidays.  A few offered “poor you” sentiments upon learning that I didn’t spend Thanksgiving with my children because they were with their father this year.  But mostly I get the funny looks when I say that for the 5^th year in a row, my ex, Mike, and I will both spend Christmas with the girls, this year at his house.

Last year, Mike and his then-girlfriend/now-wife Sherry spent part of Christmas Eve at my house.  They were here when the girls went, grudgingly, to bed.  They were here when the girls awoke, ecstatically, on Christmas morning.  We later went to my ex’s parents’ house to exchange gifts.  After that, the girls and I spent the rest of the evening with some close friends.

Co-parents spend the holiday season with their children in various ways.  Some alternate years for each of the major holidays they celebrate.  (The girls will be with me for Thanksgiving next year.)  Some parents set an agreed upon pick up/drop off time, so that their children can spend the day with both parents, separately.  Others stick to their set custody calendar; their children spend the day or days of the holiday with whichever parent is normally scheduled to have them at that time.

Our children have been very clear that one of the many hard things about our divorce is the “either-or”, “mom-or-dad” nature of their existence.  “We’re either with you, or with daddy,” my 11-year-old has said in exasperation on more than one occasion.  To address this, my ex and I share dinner with the girls from time to time; we both attend school and extracurricular events, making a point to sit together when possible; and every summer since our separation, we have taken a family trip.  This summer, our family trip included our significant others-his wife and my fiancé.  Spending Christmas together is another way we give our girls the “both/and” time with us that they crave.

Obviously, what works for us may not work for other families.  After a break-up, parents (or the courts) make a plan for the holidays that is practical; realistic, given the dynamics between the parents; and, ideally, in the best interest of their children.

One criticism I’ve heard of parents sharing holidays or vacationing together with the kids post-break-up is that doing so confuses kids or gives them false hope for reconciliation.  Based on our on-going communication with our kids, this has not been the case for our family.  If anything, I think it’s important for the adults involved to both be clear about what these interactions mean (and don’t mean), and for them to make sure they aren’t harboring a false hope for reconciliation.  Again, co-parents should do what is practical and realistic given their circumstances.

Finally, in addition to the funny looks during the holidays, I get this not-so-funny question: “If you and your ex can get along so well-well enough to spend Christmas together-why not just stay married?”  Though this a very presumptuous question, I answer it because doing so affords me the opportunity to make a salient point about co-parenting: My ex and I are able to share Christmas and interact peacefully throughout the year precisely because we are no longer married to each other.  The capital-I Issues that led to our break-up no longer haunt our dealings with each other.  And this is why we are able to co-parent the way we do: our interactions are all about the kids now, not us.

…And let me exclaim
Before you leave this site
Happy Co-Parenting to all
And to all, a goodnight.

photo by Sara Alfred