Depending on whom you ask, we either have Playmate/model/actress Shanna Moakler (ex-wife of Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker) or U.K. model Katie Price (ex-wife of Aussie singer Peter Andre) to thank for the recent trend in divorce celebrations. Both women threw big bashes, with Moakler partying in Vegas, natch, while Price opted for what the London Evening Standard called “a 12-hour bender in Ibiza.” But celebrities aren’t the only ones saying “goodbye” to matrimony and “hello” to a fresh start in a very public, very festive way. You too can throw yourself a divorce party.
Divorceinfo.com offers a step-by-step divorce party guide, including:
~The ceremonial burning of your marriage license-CHECK
~Divorce movies (Divorceinfo.com recommends War of the Roses, Le Divorce, First Wives Club, or Waiting to Exhale)-CHECK
~Divorce songs. I recommend “Not Gon’ Cry by Mary J. Blige from the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack. (”Wasted my years/a fool of a wife/I should have left your ass a long time ago” has to be the greatest lyric in the annals of divorce song lyrics.)–CHECK
And what divorce party would be complete without the cake? Looking for some divorce cake inspiration? Here are 31 super-subtle possibilities, including a graveyard cake with your wedding ring in casket, all set for burial. ‘Cause your marriage is dead…get it?? But my personal favorite has to be the one with the confectionary divorced dude getting what appears to be a blowjob from a confectionary blonde. In a confectionary hot tub, of course. Talk about getting the divorce party started right! Har, har, har.
But seriously, folks: While I didn’t have a divorce cake or a divorce party, I can relate to the thinking and emotions behind them. (Well, I can relate to the desire to move on and mark a new chapter in one’s life—not the blood splattered brides and grooms nor the embedded knives.) And to be sure, when parents can cope and heal from the aftermath of divorce, they are in a better position to help their children do the same. Divorce parties and cakes, with their broad humor, might just help some parents along in the healing process.
U.K. cakemaker Fay Millar explains, “Some people might consider it crass and insensitive while others may view it as a fitting end to a period in their lives—as well as a chance to have a good party. I like to introduce humor rather than something too sober or vindictive so I use lots of figurines interacting with each other. Divorce can be a horrible thing but I would like to think comical divorce cakes can help lighten the mood a little.”
But not everyone is laughing. Remarking on “Till Death Do Us Party” at The Daily Mail online, a commenter named “ap” notes:
No dignity. All these cakes show scenes of violence (mainly by women in the photos shown) - I assume that many of the cakes will be ordered by the same women who claim that they don’t bad-mouth their ex-husbands in front of the children. I take it that those children will get to see these cakes (if only accidentally-on purpose) and maybe even get a slice while mum is having a good natter about scary concepts such as “control” and “abuse” to their friends. The attitude that leads to buying such a cake in the first place does not stay hidden - what message does that give the children?
I share ap’s concern about children of divorce. Even if divorce spares children their parents’ fighting, the process and the fallout still take an emotional toll. As Carolyn Grona, an adult child of divorce and founder of the online community The Grown Up Child, shares:
“I understand my parent’s divorce. It doesn’t make me angry and I’ve never once in my whole life wished for them to reconcile. I do not believe that parents should remain in unhappy or conflictual marriages for the sake of their children…But does any of that mean my parents’ divorce didn’t hurt me? Of course not. It hurt me on a fundamental level. My parent’s divorce shattered my core senses of stability, family and love. I was no longer a kid simply worrying about kid things. Suddenly I was navigating immense changes to my family while realizing it would never look or feel the same again. From then on, I was always either missing my dad or missing my mom. My belief in unconditional love came to a screeching halt and I started to wonder what might negate their love for me too. And the fact that my parents never talked badly about one another and never involved me in anything inappropriate didn’t help me deal with any of those emotions.”
So divorce-party on, Mom and Dad, but kindly keep the festivities to yourself because your child is probably in no mood to celebrate.
What do you think of divorce cakes? Fun, tacky, or both? Did you have a divorce party? Tell us about it.
More on these topics:
adult children of divorce, Co-Parenting, divorce, divorce cakes, divorce parties
Talibah says:
First, let me say that I am loving your column. Yours is a refreshing voice in the conversation about single parents, divorce, co-parenting, etc. Keep it up, and keep keeping it 'real'! Second...Wow! Call me un-hip, because I really wasn't up on divorce cakes and parties until very recently. Like you, I get the desire to mark the closure of one chapter and the beginning of a new one in a celebratory way. I can even get the off-putting humor having used it a little myself in dealing with the death of my mother. Not always appropriate, but sometimes healing, nonetheless. We all grieve differently. And, I think Carolyn's quote is dead-on. So, the ever-present challenge for parents is to take care of themselves in ways that still centralize the well being of their children. My hope is that this trend moves more toward the celebration of new possibilities rather than the decimation of an ex. Maybe a cake with a mini copy of Debbie Ford's 'Spiritual Divorce' as a topper instead of a bloodied ex-husband? Not nearly as witty, but maybe a better model for celebration when kids are in the mix. Thanks for the edutaining post!
Kathryn says:
I think a divorce celebration is a fabulous idea, thanks for sharing.
I spent years and hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to divorce an abusive man. He made it very difficult (abusers don't want to let go of their doormat). I reminded myself every day of what I was trying to accomplish with words like Bravery, Courage, Freedom, and etc.
As for children, what a great lesson for them to see a parent free themselves from abuse. The state (of CT) makes you take this class if you're a parent getting a divorce about parenting & divorce; how to never say anything bad about your ex-spouse and etc. I think this is a formula that is applied to universally regardless of circumstances. It's politically correct hoo-ha. If the person you're divorcing is a jerk, then they're a jerk.
One loving parent is enough.
Deesha says:
Hi, Kathryn,
Too often, the formula you reference *is* applied universally regardless of circumstances. I was appalled to read a study that showed that many divorcing/separated women who had be abused felt guilty after receiving co-parenting training that ignored their reality--even after court officials had been told that they were to be exempt from this training. This is why on our site, CoParenting101.org, we often caveat that every situation is different and that much of what we discuss simply doesn't apply to circumstances involving abuse, mental illness, addiction, e.g.
Thanks for commenting!