How do you make it through the holidays? Editors Michele Clarke and Taylor Plimpton have an answer, in the form of a surprisingly enjoyable—and often very funny—anthology of holiday horror stories, appropriately titled The Dreaded Feast: Writers on Enduring the Holidays.
The anthology contains a truly all-star roster of contributors. Among them are literary heavyweights like Mark Twain and John Cheever, best-selling humorists like David Sedaris and Dave Berry, poet-laureates like Charles Simic and Billy Collins, as well as a few unexpected inclusions—chiefly Hunter S. Thompson and Charles Bukowski, whose appearances in a collection of holiday stories are akin to a pair of lascivious, drug-addled uncles dropping by and shout-slurring “Jingle Bells,” bottle of booze under one arm, dye-in-a-bottle floozy under the other. And yet, even their appearances are strangely appreciated—and, considering the inevitability of spectacular disaster that so often seems to accompany holiday get-togethers, somehow even appropriate.
Many familiar topics (or is it targets?) are tackled: Santa, elves, holiday parties, Santa, fruitcake, holiday shopping. And while a few of the pieces are somewhat predictable in subject matter and scope—do we really need another story about fruitcake and how nobody likes it?—more often than not, the stories anthologized are idiosyncratic, funny and compelling. Highlights include Jonathan Ames’s hilarious essay on his encounters with holiday halitosis, Jay McInerney’s beautifully melancholic and human story about disastrous family get-togethers and Lewis Lapham’s satirical retelling of the classic holiday story “A Christmas Carol,” in which the miserly Ebenezer T. Scrooge is imagined three generations later as an “imbecile philanthropist” visited on Christmas Eve by ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future—ghosts whose appearances are not dissimilar to such champions of conservative values as John D. Rockefeller, Rush Limbaugh and Roseanne Barr.
Perhaps the centerpiece of the anthology is George Plimpton’s 1988 essay “The Compleat Shopper,” published originally in a special advertising section in Fortune Magazine. In the essay, Plimpton relates being given $10,000 to shop for ten of the most famous, influential and/or powerful Americans from the period, including Donald Trump, Woody Allen, Reggie Jackson, Katherine Hepburn and former ABC News anchorman Ted Koppel, whose face Plimpton describes, pricelessly, as “slightly arch and disdainful.” As he considers gifts ranging from an enormous bust of Caesar (priced at $90,000— “a true budget-buster!” laments Plimpton) to a solar-ventilated gardening helmet, to a chinchilla jock strap, Plimpton’s mounting anxiety over what to get is not only entertaining, but relatable. At the end of the shopping excursion, Plimpton’s sense of accomplishment is married to one of intense relief, relief that the reader feels vicariously. It’s a sentiment one feels often while reading the anthology: “Glad it’s not me!”
Although more representation of female writers would have been welcome—the anthology includes only three pieces written by female writers, Chris Radant’s story “Home for the Holidays,” Alysia Gray Painter’s list on how to keep Christmas “in your heart all year long” and Fiona Maazel’s account of a Twister-related injury on New Year’s Eve—The Dreaded Feast is entertaining, engaging and funny, proving sometimes the best way to get through something is to witness someone else getting through it. If there’s anything better than laughter for curing the holiday blues, it’s commiseration.
I thought it would be fun to talk to the editors about the book and the holidays, in general. We corresponded over email and the editors answered together.
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TFT: How did the idea for the anthology come together? Were there any particular holiday horror stories (of your own, or others) that inspired you?
MICHELE CLARKE AND TAYLOR PLIMPTON: The idea was born out of one-too-many bad holidays. As far as particular holiday horror stories, well there was that one time, standing in the family garage, crying and screaming “Get me the hell out of here! Never again!”
TFT: What’s the worst holiday experience you’ve ever had?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Every holiday experience is the worst holiday experience.
TFT: What about the most uncomfortable?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Every holiday is equally uncomfortable, typified each year by the recurring awkwardness of attempting to converse with people you’re related to who are nonetheless total strangers…
TFT: A variety of common holiday horrors are discussed in the collection. What’s worse: bad eggnog, bad Santa, or bad breath from somebody at the party who keeps trying to talk to you?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Gotta go with Jonathan Ames and say bad breath… Santa and eggnog can be avoided…
TFT: This is one is addressed to Taylor: I couldn’t help but notice there’s a piece written by your father, George Plimpton. It’s a great piece, about receiving ten thousand dollars to shop for a handful of very famous, very powerful and/or very wealthy celebrities. His description of former ABC News anchorman Ted Koppel was particularly wonderful—”slightly arch and disdainful.” Did you ever worry, that as the son of a prominent writer, you might find yourself the topic of a similar humorous essay, under a similar microscope?
PLIMPTON: There is nothing humorous about me.
TFT: OK, some rapid-fire questions. Rudolph or Frosty?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Frosty, because he’s easier to melt. Though Rudolph does have a wonderfully punchable nose.
TFT: Elf or Santa?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Elf: easier to dropkick across the room.
TFT: Tofurkey or turducken?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: What the fuck is turducken?
[Editors note: The definition of turducken was sent as a follow-up; Michele Clarke's response is a follow-up to the follow-up.]
TFT: A turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. From Wikipedia: “A turducken is a dish consisting of a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken. The thoracic cavity of the chicken and the rest of the gaps are stuffed, sometimes with a highly seasoned breadcrumb mixture or sausage meat, although some versions have a different stuffing for each bird.”
CLARKE: OH MY GOD!!! A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken? WHY????
TFT: Some people, I suppose, enjoy a wealth of flavor. Gift-bag or wrapping paper?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Gift-bag, or whatever else involves as little effort and thought as possible…
TFT: I’ll ask it direct: why are the holidays so hard?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Because they’re supposed to be so easy and full of joy. Besides, when you lump together all the awful holiday music, the awkward family get-togethers, the horrendous gifts given you by random aunts (”No, really, I love it”), and all the rest of the capitalist-driven evils of the holidays, how could they be anything but?
TFT: Agree or disagree: writing about the holidays is like writing about sex.
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: Well, as the editors of this book, we didn’t actually write anything. But when we compare sex and the holidays, the difference becomes pretty clear: During the holidays, people make happy faces though they feel ugly inside; during sex, people make ugly faces though they feel happy inside.
TFT: Were there any pieces that were particularly difficult to obtain (i.e. stories about getting the stories)?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: No, quite the opposite. It turns out there’s a rich treasure-trove of material that underscores how awful the holidays are… All we had to do was pick and choose.
TFT: After compiling this collection, do you feel more equipped to deal with the holidays-or less?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: More equipped… We now know without a doubt that we are not alone in dreading this season of joy. We’re also aware that the secret is not to take it all so seriously; as the book proves, the best cure for the holiday blues is undoubtedly laughter…
TFT: Now that enduring the holidays has been tackled, what’s next for you both?
CLARKE AND PLIMPTON: With so much more to dread in the world, the opportunities to provide comic relief are many…
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