I arrived in D.C. the night before the tea party protest of September 12, or the 9/12 Protest as it has come to be called. My goal was simple: make the most ironic signs possible, and, in the process, inspire a bit of doubt. If I could get just a few people to second-guess the demagogues on Fox News, I reasoned, I’d consider the whole trip a success.
I genuinely thought that my painfully sarcastic protest signs might change some minds, but as I later learned, the process is much more complicated.
What I didn’t realize is that it’s hard to maintain your own sense of humor when you’re surrounded by fanatics calling your president a traitor.
About two hours into the whole ordeal, I snapped. It happened while I watched a low-rank CNN correspondent attempt to interview one of the protesters. He was surrounded by about forty bystanders who were chanting, “tell the truth,” — many of them holding signs espousing the importance of the constitution. Shouting down a member of the press while waving a document that protects his right to speech was more than I could take. I began shouting, “Freedom of speech! Freedom of the press!” in sync with their chant. After about five of my shouts, the chants subsided. All of the protesters turned to me as my eyes met the reporter’s. I’ll never forget the look on the reporter’s face. Even now I’m not sure if it meant “you poor bastard” or “thank God!”
In one act of frustration, I set off a domino effect that ruined the rest of my day. Every single Joe Sixpack who secretly harbors a desire to be Glenn Beck wanted a shot at me. I could sense the thirst for blood, not only from them, but also in myself. I wanted to inflict harm.
Eventually I met a woman I appropriately deemed Lady Death. She was wearing a grim reaper costume while lecturing me on the nature of political ideologies. According to Lady Death, there are only three political factions in the entire world: anarchists, fascists, and moderates. As if this wasn’t amazing enough, she then informed me that I was a fascist who wanted to control women’s bodies. I sensed that this was some amorphous attack on my support of health care reform and the Democrat’s supposed love for abortion. This went on for quite some time, and I think I bit off more than I could chew. I was living in a liberal’s apocalypse and the horde was slowly closing in.
Fearing what might happen, I pointed in a random direction and yelled “Nancy Pelosi!” Some of them were momentarily distracted, but I only escaped for good once America The Beautiful started playing over the loudspeakers, and everyone stopped to sing along — it turns out that no matter how patriotic you think you are, no one remembers the words past the third verse.
On my return flight from D.C. I played back all the videos I had captured and realized that I had become a mirror image of everything I dislike about the tea party protests. I had failed in my goal. Not one of the people I spoke to walked away the least bit unsure of their convictions. Instead, they walked away further convinced that liberals were rude and arrogant. I had only succeeded in furthering the divide.
More on these topics:
Stella says:
You're attempt was valiant but some people want to believe the noise in their head. The more you push facts or another opinions there way, it will only reinforce their stance. I have to deal with people like this daily. FOX News has become their gospel and the only media source that "tells it like it is". So, I have not reached one person because they don't want to be reached.
Nate Maggio says:
Way to go, dick! You made it even worse for us.
NANCY PELOSI!
Josh says:
Fox News tells so many lies it is not funny. They said that Obama's speech to school children was unprecedented and communist even though Reagan and Bush Sr. did the same thing. They said that the hate crimes bill protects pedos which was not true at all. All they do is misinformation and "fear and smear".
These teabaggers protest against taxes yet Obama gave a tax break to 95% of Americans in his stimulus package. These are the types that want the government out of their medicare. hahahahaha!
Amy Wallen says:
I LOVE your protest signs! I think you should re-think how this event went and keep trying. It is a long and hard task to change minds. Especially hard-headed ones. But I would hate to see anyone give up so easily. Isn't that what they want the liberals to do? Don't they expect it? They think we are lazy and don't want to work, just want the government to pay for everything like our healthcare.
I had no idea there were three verses to America the Beautiful. I'm not even sure I knew there were two. Is that the one that begins, "I pledge allegiance..."? No, no, I think it's the one that goes, "Our Father, who art in heaven..." Oh damn, it was always so early in the morning when I had to recite those in school. Nothing stuck. Damn lazy liberal brain.
Tricia says:
First of all, your signs were perfect for the intended task. Second, although it thwarted your purpose, shouting back at the chanters was the right thing to do. You did not accomplish what you set out to do, but you did learn a lot about yourself and your opposition, which could help to form a better strategy for narrowing the divide in future encounters. Nice work, Neil.
Nichole says:
Those signs are the best thing I've seen in a long time.
Susan R says:
Loved the signs! Loved your idea of going to this event, although I would have been scared to death in your shoes.
Ditto to what Stella says. These people are not only brainwashed, I believe they WANT to believe all the lies.
Enjoyed your writing. Look forward to reading more of your work.
Lynne says:
The harder the questions, and the more you push and are in their faces, the more they retreat firmly into the defensive stances and entrenched ideologies that make them feel comfortable. I like the spirit of adventure with which you entered this arena. The signs were great. I showed them to a few of my more liberal conservative friends. The "Jesus didn't heal the sick for free, Obama" sign really got them thinking. So maybe you accomplished more that you realized.
Lyn says:
Just the guts to do that deserves applause. I'm surprised you weren't caused physical harm at some point! Great writing as always, Neil.
Mari says:
Excellent article.
I am so very glad sometimes that we don't have this massive political divide in Australia between "Conservative" and "Liberal".
It's sad that in a country like America which espouses the virtues of freedom of speech and the like, that the only way the people in this protest could enforce their convictions was to shut out any and all contrasting opinions and try to squash people's free speech, protected by the constitution they all claim to love so much.
I just don't see why it has to be one way or the other. There are many great ideas on the conservative side of the political field, and there are excellent ideas and policies on the liberal. Why can't people just realize that swinging to the extremes in either direction is just pig headed... and it's annoying as fuck.
Also, your article is hilarious. Also, it get's people talking and that's the important thing. Your writing is always so good.
Congratulations on your first published article! You're gong to be awesome.
Megan says:
"Jesus didn't heal the sick for free." <--- Fucking brilliant.
Somehow people forget the basics: feed the hungry, shelter the cold, heal the sick - not for profit but because it's the humane thing to do.
I'm sorry you found your excursion disappointing. B-Rock is showing some serious balls trying to do the right thing and bridging the gap between decent, compassionate citizens and ignorant, crazy douchebags. Most don't have the mental or emotional patience to earnestly wade through all the crap and see such slow progress in return. Props to you for trying and getting involved, though! Take it as a learning experience. Sarcasm doesn't work on crazies (not that sarcasm usually has a high percentage of success).
Your blog is hilarious by the way. Hope to read more from you.
Dru says:
Sorry to hear you failed in your mission, but those signs are hilarious. I would have snapped too, probably a lot sooner.
I remember them talking about this on like The Rachel Maddow Show and being all really? I don't live in The U.S so I was all Seriously?
Politics here are crazy (collapsed economy. Yay. Okay we're getting better but IMF being annoying, awesome. Yes, I live in Iceland.) but not as crazy as they seem in America. Should probably be glad for that.
But nice article. Hope to see more from ya.
ZoniDuck says:
I find myself admiring your enormous brass balls, Mr. Lambert. Your graphic design skills are pretty stunning as well. But you completely stole my heart forever with, “Freedom of speech! Freedom of the press!”
I look forward to reading more from you in the future, sir.
Lindsey says:
Jesus didn't heal the sick for FREE, Obama.
Ohhh my god.
I don't even care that you claim this was a so-called failed attempt on your part; that sign alone is worth the whole ordeal.
I guess just keep your sense of humor about it all - cause even though what's going on right now is rage inducing, and Glenn Beck/his minions are literally the reincarnation of evil - at least you're trying. And writing about it in a public forum will inevitably inspire SOME sort of discourse.
Start from the middle. Even if the "joe sixpacks" aren't the ones immediately swayed, at least they're funny (scary that they have influence, really - but funny in an abstract sort of "laugh so you don't cry" kind of way). Also: it's probably the only time we're legitimately allowed to laugh at the borderline-retarded without being politically incorrect. So, grab that by the balls, man, and just don't give up on what you're trying to do...
Write more - I'd read, for sure.
Tracy says:
Brass ones, baby - you got 'em.
imyourmom says:
No failure on your part. Dissenting voices should be raised at every protest, can't allow people to believe theirs are the only opinions that matter, or that they represent all of us.
David P. Greenberg says:
My advice is get those signs printed into bumper stickers and T-shirts. You'll be a millionaire overnight!
NH says:
I would have been more scared to go into a sea of liberals... they are the ones doing the beatings and killings and violence.
MamaKath says:
As the mom of an intelligent, articulate, liberal, pagan 25 year old child I have to commend your idealism and integrity for someone of your age. It is my feeling that conservatives like their tiny little world because in it they are spoon-fed rhetoric and they don't have to use the brain they were blessed with. They like a tiny little Deity that created them to be robotic automatons walking lock-step to the likes of St. Beck to the holy city of Fox News. Those of us with the courage to find out what is beyond the horizon and seek a better answer trying to convince them to step out into this dirty, cracked-up old world, roll up their sleeves and shake the cobwebs from their mind have a tough road ahead of us and our workload is doubled because we really are looking for new ways to clean up the mess & learn to get along and we get side-tracked and bogged down by trying to get the mental sloths to follow.
So hold onto those ideals and hopes. You're skin is thick already and it will continue to thicken as time goes on. Keep fighting the good fight. There's some of us old-farts out here with you.
Nina says:
I bow at your feet for even attempting. I wouldn't have lasted two seconds. Yesterday I got into an argument with a woman I was attempting to rent a house from when she launched into anti-Obama Republican talking points. There simply is no talking to those who have drunk the Fox Cool-Aid.
Blank Frank says:
Great Job! Certainly an interesting adventure into the bowels of inanity.
I think the lack of spelling errors in the Obama sign was a dead give away.
Isnt there a SCOTUS ruling on shouting Pelosi in a crowded ClusterFox?
skylar says:
Obviously the fierce gene runs in your family. Power to you for being there, doing it and setting an example. Unfortunately recognizing and understanding sarcasm requires higher order thinking and willful ignorance is a brick wall.
Heather says:
"...it’s hard to maintain your own sense of humor when you’re surrounded by fanatics..."
How frustrating! Not only can you not control what's going on around you, but then your own emotions wreak havoc with your initial enthusiasm. I agree with others who've suggested that this wasn't a failure; it's a learning experience. It's also fodder for this piece of writing which brought a smile to my face and got me thinking. Bravo.
Gina says:
Nice use of unnecessary quotation marks on the "Social Justice" sign. There's actually a Flickr pool called "Quotation Mark" Abuse. I have a pic of a sign from a 2005 anti-war rally that reads: "Bush" Lied, Thousands Died, "Impeach" "Bush" & "Cheney." While I agree with the sentiment, the punctuation is lulzy.
Neil, you ventured where others dared not; better you than me.
Great article!
Yoshi says:
So I love the signs. And at first I also loved your realization that you had become the mirror image of everything you disliked about the tea party protestors. But now, being a fellow crank, I want to challenge it, and challenge you -- to keep on keeping on with the dubious acrostics, and the fancy pants lettering, etc.
Sure, yes. You were not likely to change the mind of the tea baggers. If someone is still willing to attend a public protest in support of an extreme conservative agenda, wearing hats with little tea bags stapled on them dangling in front of their face (in spite of months of media mockery and late-night laughter) then your sense of humor is unlikely to register with them.
But maybe changing the mind of the teabaggers is not the only goal? Maybe your signs made moderate conservatives viewing the whole spectacle pause and realize the collective absurdity. Maybe they helped someone who was having a hard time stomaching the hate that day to laugh it off and feel supported. There is the school that says ignore the Westboro Baptist Church. But there is another school that says play Diana Ross and shake your bootay at them. I prefer the dance.
But thanks for this. I will remember to point and yell "Nancy Pelosi" in time of need.